The List Is Representative of Our Relationships

[Guest guest]

I came to the list back around November 2007. Whoever said, when NT's find this list they're usually in a state of crisis and terror when they arrive, were spot on. I know I saw the word "support" for ~both~ NT's and AS and thought, "fabulous, this list is for everyone and it's all about support."I still think the list is for everyone. As with everything, nothing is all good or all bad. One handicap is that the AS here have been here for perhaps too long in that they have a very short fuse when it comes to dealing with NT's. NT's who are treated in the blunt and egocentric manner they are treated at home, spiral out of control in an instant. In some ways, under certain circumstances the list ends up serving as a room of mirrors, rather than a pathway with direction. It is just as difficult for an NT to unplug their emotions as it is for an AS to listen to emotion. NT's are just as suspicious and uncomfortable with those who strive to shut down emotion or eliminate it, as AS are suspicious and uncomfortable with those who endeavor to default to their natural'ness of expression through emotion.When all is said and done, the end result usually looks and feels just like the marriage/relationship problems many of us are trying to navigate. They are seemingly resolved here with no further clarification than: "this is the way it is, back off, shut it down and get it in your head that what you want isn't ever what you are going to get."These words, while primarily true, are the equivalent of cutting the very heart from an NT. It further relegates them to almost instantaneous acceptance of an ideology that takes many months, perhaps years of therapy. (The longevity of the therapy is usually connected to the phrase "first do no harm" so the person has a "curve" of acceptance rather than being slammed on the head with a boulder.) Unfortunately the advice itself demands that the NT shut down their emotions in the span of perhaps a half dozen posts. Written words on a subject of epic proportion in their lives, condensed into the form of "internet letters." These cantankerous exchanges represent more than questions and answers, even though the posts are generally ordered in that manner. These written forms of communication on the list represent the probable demise of marriages of some duration, with or without complication of children, other health issues, finances, family stigma and many other things too numerous to list.This really isn't' about a sterile Q & A about NT's and those with Asperger's. It is about great fear and anxiety relative to major issues between people who came together under one premise in the beginning of their relationship and ended up in a whole other universe as the relationship progressed. There is inherent emotional danger in an expectation that any one person on the list (AS or NT) demonstrate a full psychological understanding of the myriad issues involved here. More importantly, in chastisement for expressing NT natural'ness, the veterans here (who should know better) end up applying pseudo solutions for extraordinarily complicated problems just to dispose of the emotion they find so uncomfortable. Sadly, NT's feel the entire process. The joy of discovering their partner way back when......the excitement and hope NT's have on their wedding day.....a great desire to be very intimately connected with a life partner......and the inner security of growing old with that person and walking into the sunset of life with them. NT's feel the sorrow of the loss of varying degrees of that partnership over the span of the relationship and generally cannot shut off the emotional devastation of being denied, not through direct fault of their own or their partner, but through a neurological blockade neither the NT nor the AS can alter in any significant way, in many cases.On this list we learn that AS can't shut off what is natural to them as well. When we ask that AS "work harder" we learn that we are asking them to discard the comfort zone they have developed in order to navigate the world with the neurological card they were dealt. Likewise, when AS ask that NT "shut up" so they don't have to deal with the very things they are incapable of dealing with, they are, asking NT's to discard their natural response to the very world many AS cannot access and therefore do not understand.The symbiosis of the union of AS and NT in marriage has not been fleshed out here to my knowledge. There was a reason two disparate individuals came together in the first place. Some may say AS is attracted to NT because they provide all the social skills and mores necessary for AS to either emulate or perhaps even enjoy to some degree. Some may say NT is attracted to AS because they bring a sense of order and grounding to a relationship in the form of structured rituals and a sense of loyalty relatively uncommon in NT males. It is in this area, I believe the most progress can be made if any progress is to be pursued at all. (But hey, that's where I am now in all of this.)The final frontier may be just as simple as....."What you know about your AS partner might be modified if your partner is able to modify, but don't have high expectations............and what you know about your NT partner may be modified if they are able but don't have high expectations."The list may very well be a confirmation of what cannot be done, more than a treatise on what can be done.Perhaps, .......what I have written can be of value to you, or others who are waiting for the "solutions." There was a time I asked the very same question you asked below. The AS women on the list seem much more communicative about building bridges. They spend a great deal of time talking about how they used to view certain areas of social behavior and how they have a better understanding as they go along. They too speak of certain NT explosions being difficult for them, but the delivery seems much softer and kinder. The AS women have also not projected a *know-it-all* posture, claimed to be an *authority* nor do I think any of them have categorized anyone's posts as *right* or *wrong*. Regards,Anita 55 NT > > <<So, is Gushing any type of communication said with> emotion. Gee, if it is, I would soon become a poor> communicator. And all of this talk of men and women> and men thinking logically. I am a CPA. I have a> degree in Business and Math. I was second in my class> in college, and first in high school. Bolony (sp)> that women don't think logically. Ridiculous. My> emotions and logic are intertwined.>>> > I've been hoping this conversation would turn into a> discussion of communication between AS and NT. In> AS/NT partnerships. Is it not a given that both> partners will have to change or adapt for two> individuals to have a successful union? > > Maybe I'm missing something obvious, but in many> recent posts, the AS will say the NT has to understand> that the AS may be blunt, overwhelmed by emotion,> rigid about routines etc. and NT needs to adapt or> shut up. And if the NT can't accept that then the NT> is a martyr (and should shut up). > > What I can't remember reading is an example of an AS> trying to learn from or adapt his or her NT partner's> preferences or emotive communication style. Does it> ever happen? Does the lack of reciprocity and empathy> make this impossible? Anyone care to share?> > > > > ____________________________________________________________________________________> Be a better friend, newshound, and > know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now. http://mobile.yahoo.com/;_ylt=Ahu06i62sR8HDtDypao8Wcj9tAcJ>