RE: NTs going on and on.

[Guest guest]

Oh a,

What a beautiful description of what I and

so many Aspies have experienced.

As I’ve said before, the brief

comment or complaint is something I can cope with pretty well.   It doesn’t

confuse me and doesn’t frighten me.  But the person seemingly out of

control who keeps on going in an emotional or gushy state is literally

terrifying to me.   I guess I am most fearful of Chaos in this world, and the

person who emotes on and on is the most chaotic and frightening.

I guess like many Aspies, I associate emotion

that goes on and on, with danger.  This person does not contain his or her

emotions and they could conceiveably just go anywhere and cause any sort of

trouble.   Uncontained emotional talk just isn’t intellectually safe; and

if on top of it all, one has the tendency never to truly trust any other

person, then panic can ensue.

As you say, it is literally exhausting to

listen to the emotional tones just proceeding on and on.   Pretty quickly, I

literally lose track of the meaning and the message, and am just aware of the

incessant voice.  I feel that it is crucial that I keep listening then, just in

case something of huge importance is told – some ‘bottom line’

as it were.  And so each sentence appears like a totally new thought that I

have to consider.  I lose the recollection of just about all that was said

earlier as each sentence replaces the one that went before.  I go into overload

and am eventually at screaming point as I want nothing more desperately than

that the incessant voice stops.   The immediate message I got in the first

couple of sentences gets to be lost.

I have an analogy for this experience

which is like this.   It resembles a situation where one is under a total

obligation to keep close watch on a mechanical Dial which has a big RED section

in the upper part, indicating the gravest danger.  I am losing track of the

message and the meaning as I’ve said because the crucial thing is to

watch the needle as it approaches and wavers high on the DANGER section.   If I

miss any of this, then disaster may strike.   So really then, I’m doing

nothing much more than monitoring the emotional expressions of the other person

both in face/body language and as well in their words.    It is just too too

dangerous if I miss any of the behaviour of the other party.

Because I am confused and scrambled, I am

battling to make any sensible response.  To avoid the danger of responding

hastily and maybe with hysteria or panic, I watch and listen on and on.  My

face goes blank, as I cant really afford to show what I’m really feeling.

 (also of course, I cant safely interrupt my listening in order to respond

prematurely.) This brings up the complaints that I’m not really

responding to the pleas or the expression of feelings.  As well, I want to make

sure that any thing I do say will be sensible and non-dangerous.

I might fall back on one or two stock

phrases or pat comments in an attempt to diffuse the situation, but these are

inadequate and usually seen through as not coming spontaneously from the

heart.   So with a sinking heart, I realize that when it is all settling down,

I will be proven inadequate and will have totally failed in my duty to interact

and to be helpful.

Not being empathic, all I can call on is

Sympathy; and as I constantly recognize, this contribution is significantly inadequate. 

Just reflecting the expressions of the emotional other, and falling into a

similar sort of depression or misery, generally offers nothing.   Not having

good or effective ‘boundaries’, I cant shield myself from the

emotions the other is going through and I am eventually flattened and may feel

paralysed and shaky for up to 24 hours.  Not at all healthy or useful.

As you say a, one gets worn out by

the other person’s complaints, and there is literally nothing left to

give.  The listening alone has been an adjustment or a concession that is about

the most I can possibly offer.    And heaven knows I’d have given the

earth to have someone just LISTEN to what I have to say or complain about at

times.   Somehow no-one ever appears prepared to pay me the compliment of

listening carefully and non-judgmentally in return.

Again thanks a, your comments are

very well put and sadly just so true to life for me and doubtless for many

Aspies.

Ron.

 Subject: RE:

Our Interrelationships

Oh wait – you said something in here that I wanted to

touch on as well – you mentioned that it shuts you down to where you

can’t do anything – for me (and my AS husband) – when we get

overstimulated, we have to go into a room or an area where the stimulation is

absent because I get when I call “brain lightning storms” where I

just freak out. I liken it to turning off the lights in an unfamiliar

room – I can’t see and my brain just shuts off. My therapist

says it’s a fight or flight response for aspies. I think the

major problem that many NT’s face is that after the first time we have

someone become emotional to us on a topic, I think “okay, she said what

she needs to say, so it’s over.” If they continue to go on

and on about something, I make the logic based decision – is this

something I can fix? If yes, offer solution. If no, then why is

this person still going on and on. It’s not that I don’t want

to give emotional comfort, it’s just that I’m physically exhausted

by the toll that listening to their seemingly unending “venting”

has caused. Like I tell my sister – “you’ve worn me out

with your complaining, so I have nothing left to give you… but I

listened.” And I think that is where some NT’s need to come

to an understanding. We can either listen to the venting/complaining/whining/unloading

and not have anything left to give, or have someone say “I need you to

hug me” or whatever they need and leave the narrative behind.

Speaking for myself, I can’t do both. I get a headache with

some of it, and I get a toothache with much of it. I think a lot has to

do with the tamber of the voice, and so that’s why online discussions

don’t tend to wear me out as much because I can’t hear the elevated

pitch when someone is getting overly emotional.

                                                        -:¦:- (¯`'•.¸(¯`a Kathleen Simpson´¯)¸.•'´¯)-:¦:-

[Guest guest]

Thank you Ron, and I liked your analogy – that’s

spot on.  The going blank point is when many NT’s feel we’ve

stopped listening, and the truth is, my little brain is working overtime trying

to catch up and get the context of what is being said despite all the mud

around.  I liken it to finding a diamond in the mud – what they have to

say is usually quite important, but the delivery muddies it up to where I have

to swim through mud to find the diamond.   Once I think I’ve found it, I

have to take the time to clean it up and make sure it’s really what I

think before I yell “eureka!”   When I’m bombarded

emotionally, I too have to work really hard to respond to the intent of the

message given, not the delivery.  The intent is usually precious, I just have

to clear the mud off my goggles!

Thanks Ron!

a

-:¦:-

(¯`'•.¸(¯`a Kathleen Simpson´¯)¸.•'´¯)-:¦:-

From:

aspires-relationships

[mailto:aspires-relationships ] On Behalf Of Ron H.

Sent: Friday, April 25, 2008 5:18 AM

To: aspires-relationships

Subject: RE: NTs going on and on.

Oh a,

What a

beautiful description of what I and so many Aspies have experienced.

As

I’ve said before, the brief comment or complaint is something I can cope

with pretty well. It doesn’t confuse me and doesn’t

frighten me. But the person seemingly out of control who keeps on going

in an emotional or gushy state is literally terrifying to me. I

guess I am most fearful of Chaos in this world, and the person who emotes on

and on is the most chaotic and frightening.

I guess

like many Aspies, I associate emotion that goes on and on, with danger.

This person does not contain his or her emotions and they could conceiveably

just go anywhere and cause any sort of trouble. Uncontained

emotional talk just isn’t intellectually safe; and if on top of it all,

one has the tendency never to truly trust any other person, then panic can

ensue.

As you

say, it is literally exhausting to listen to the emotional tones just

proceeding on and on. Pretty quickly, I literally lose track of the

meaning and the message, and am just aware of the incessant voice. I feel

that it is crucial that I keep listening then, just in case something of huge

importance is told – some ‘bottom line’ as it were. And

so each sentence appears like a totally new thought that I have to

consider. I lose the recollection of just about all that was said earlier

as each sentence replaces the one that went before. I go into overload

and am eventually at screaming point as I want nothing more desperately than

that the incessant voice stops. The immediate message I got in the

first couple of sentences gets to be lost.

I have an

analogy for this experience which is like this. It resembles a

situation where one is under a total obligation to keep close watch on a

mechanical Dial which has a big RED section in the upper part, indicating the

gravest danger. I am losing track of the message and the meaning as

I’ve said because the crucial thing is to watch the needle as it

approaches and wavers high on the DANGER section. If I miss any of

this, then disaster may strike. So really then, I’m doing

nothing much more than monitoring the emotional expressions of the other person

both in face/body language and as well in their words. It is

just too too dangerous if I miss any of the behaviour of the other party.

Because I

am confused and scrambled, I am battling to make any sensible response.

To avoid the danger of responding hastily and maybe with hysteria or panic, I

watch and listen on and on. My face goes blank, as I cant really afford

to show what I’m really feeling. (also of course, I cant safely

interrupt my listening in order to respond prematurely.) This brings up the

complaints that I’m not really responding to the pleas or the expression

of feelings. As well, I want to make sure that any thing I do say will be

sensible and non-dangerous.

I might

fall back on one or two stock phrases or pat comments in an attempt to diffuse

the situation, but these are inadequate and usually seen through as not coming

spontaneously from the heart. So with a sinking heart, I realize

that when it is all settling down, I will be proven inadequate and will have

totally failed in my duty to interact and to be helpful.

Not being

empathic, all I can call on is Sympathy; and as I constantly recognize, this

contribution is significantly inadequate. Just reflecting the expressions

of the emotional other, and falling into a similar sort of depression or

misery, generally offers nothing. Not having good or effective

‘boundaries’, I cant shield myself from the emotions the other is

going through and I am eventually flattened and may feel paralysed and shaky

for up to 24 hours. Not at all healthy or useful.

As you say

a, one gets worn out by the other person’s complaints, and there is

literally nothing left to give. The listening alone has been an

adjustment or a concession that is about the most I can possibly

offer. And heaven knows I’d have given the earth to

have someone just LISTEN to what I have to say or complain about at

times. Somehow no-one ever appears prepared to pay me the

compliment of listening carefully and non-judgmentally in return.

Again

thanks a, your comments are very well put and sadly just so true to life

for me and doubtless for many Aspies.

Ron.