Fw: do all AS men show anger

[Guest guest]

Kathy

I've just discovered this about my husband too. And, I have been feeling the anger and resentment for years until just recently. Just discovered it in April and he has read a few books and believes it too. Now I am more depressed than angry. I know that some of how he acted was unintentional. But it seems there is no place to get a good diagnosis in St Louis MO. I've talked to one of the supposed gurus here and he is reluctant to try to give a diagnosis for fear of a label. And, everything I read says, get the diagnosis and then get very good help. The regular counseling system has not worked for us at all. It is invisible to the counselors. You probably have the Cassandra syndrome which I know I have. Look it up. My stomache hurts most of the time. I think that is processing depression. I try to stay upbeat as much as possible. My job helps. I work with a

lot of characters. We do a lot of laughing and teasing at work. I can say anything I want and know these people really care about me and I can't offend them. Here, I have to walk on eggshells. I can't tease him at all (and unfortunately I am a huge kidder). He takes any kind of teasing as criticism.

I love him very much, but I know this is all wearing my body down. I don't want to give up. Yet, now that he knows he has AS, he seems to think I am the one who needs to understand and change. The books say that with a diagnosis, and with a willingness by both partners, both partners can change. Our communication is friendly when there is no possible room for confrontation or disagreement. He has very little abilty to understand my point of view. And he doesn't seem to care that my body is failing because of this. He seems to discount the Cassandra syndrome.

I explained it to my own counselor. I am educating him on this whole situation. I told him that my coping mechanisms were to ....walk (I'm a letter carrier so I walk up and down steps everyday, carrying a lot of weight..probably 6 to 8 miles a day), read, eat, drink and smoke. And I didn't use to smoke until 3 years ago (a year into our marriage after he started..prior to that I had quit for 24 years). The counselor told me to keep up the walking and reading. He said my drinking since I try to limit it to one or two a nite was fine and maybe even beneficial. He told me to go out more with friends and find things I enjoy. I'm going to start rollerblading again, and hope to go on a horseback riding trip or a ski trip. I need to go do fun things. I love Nick, but he doesn't seem to like to do these type of things. His think is eating out, fishing and golf. Or museums and stuff

like that which I like a bit, but then get bored. We both like things like the zoo, estate sales etc.

Katrin Bently says that when you get angry it gives you energy. I think exercize does the same thing. But, if you do so much of it, it becomes exhausting.

I keep wondering about the future. If we don't find a better way to be able to communicate, I think this will kill me...slowly...fatigues your immunal system...insomnia, etc.

If we could learn to communicate...If he could try to and actually see another persons (my) perspective it would helps so much. It seems so strange to have such an intelligent person not be able to do that. That is what really floors me. It makes sense to me, that the lack of empathy can be a genetic trait, but it doesn't make any sense to me that an intelligent person cannot see maybe 4 or 5 perspectives of a situation, like I can. If the system is able to allow him to be able to do this, we will have a chance at communication.

He told me he didn't have to understand my perspective, he just had to agree. I told him that that was dismissing me. That was discounting me. Because yes indeed I have valid perspectives on all issues, just as he might. But, just to agree is just shutting me up. It is discounting and dismissive and it doesn't work for me.

Both of our IQ's are high, and I am a proud individual too, and this it the part that irks me the most. Sometimes I can't make myself even approach a subject of conversation, because I know it will be disagreed with or discounted, and Boy am I not used to that in life.

So, I know where you are. And this whole board does.

I hope it gets better for all of us.

I'm just not sure where to get the professional help we need right now. And, even if we get it, I guess there are no guarantees. I will continue to remain hopeful, and try to tell my body to stop acting up.

Sandy

do all AS men show anger>>> I think my husband has asperger's. The counselor we saw was> reluctant to make a diagnosis but seemed to indicate he thoughtthat> it was a very good possibility. One thing I don't see is anger> and/or verbal abuse. Sometimes I think I wouldn't be angry eitherif> I insisted on and always got my own way. Any comments? Perhaps he> doesn't have it...He does have lack of eye contact, lack ofempathy,> and responds in rather bizarre fashion to serious relationship> discussions, i.e. my discontent. He has a very consuming interest> in sports but maybe not unlike some NT men. I'm not sure.

To me the> most compelling symptoms are the lack of eye contact, randomcomments> in social situations that leave everyone with a puzzled look ontheir> face. He doesn't seem to have a filter on his mouth. What he> thinks, he says. He doesn't seem to know when not to say something.> I can't share something with him and expect that he will know tokeep> it to himself. He's not adverse to social situations though, assome> things I've read indicate. Maybe I'm way off base. But, I've been> married before and know that his response is definitely not typical> of other men I've experienced. Most men know that you tell yourwife> good night and give her a kiss before you go to bed. You don't just> disappear. I'm rambling and I don't really know how this groupthing> works. I guess I'll just see what

happens...>