A word of encouragement to those with AS who want to meet someone....

[Guest guest]

Hi Sandy,

When I read your email, my first thought was that you are doing

something that I have done many times over, which is to project your

experiences and feelings with one person on to someone else. I also

see a lot of bitterness and resentment in you right now - something I

am also guilty of. This is what people sometimes succumb to when they

feel trapped. You need counselling to help you get yourself un trapped.

Your hubby sounds a lot like my former NT boyfriend of half a

lifetime ago. He had SO many good things going for him (and he was

HOT, LOL! - he kind of looked like Clooney.) But due to his

own insecurity, he never felt that I was proud of him, or that he

could ever completely trust me. I had - and still have - a very

strong personality, and so do you. This is not a bad thing at all,

but unfortunately it is a bad mix with a partner who is insecure.

One of my underlying failings is that I was (and still am, to some

degree) an enabler and a " fixer. " So I ignored my sweetie's

insecurity, because everything else about him seemed so dang good -

not the least of which was his great looks - and maybe at the time I

was feeling a bit like this is my last chance to land someone like

this. I was 24.

I hoped that I could " make " the problems go away, not realizing of

course I can't " make " his problems go away any more than he can

" make " my problems go away. I would soon start to feel that he was

" making " me depressed and therefore I was showing a side of myself

that wasn't me, BECAUSE of him. Now we know, if we are truthful with

ourselves, that this is the language of enablers, and on the flip

side of that, if one were prone to controlling or violence, that is

also the language of an abuser. NO one MAKES anyone else do anything,

unless it is by extreme coercion (threats, weapons, violence.)

Anything else is voluntary, and usually because it is the path of

least resistance. Had I been knowledgeable (hindsight is a wonderful

thing) I might have seen that though we cared for each other a lot,

we BOTH had a lot of work to do in our own lives which would preclude

ever having a relationship together.

There are many, many ways things can go wrong but one common factor

is that it always takes two - no matter how badly one side might be

" losing " at the moment. One thing that we haven't heard too much is

what you feel you role may be here - it all seems like him (again,

I've been there, it definitely takes one to know one!) but anyway I

do see a lot parallels with your relationship with your husband and

mine with my former NT boyfriend. Right now unless both of you gives

a little - or a lot - this is marriage is doomed. Sorry for my bluntness.

There is are many, many differences between Nick and . The

biggest difference is that your hubby isn't dx'd, so at this point no

one knows for certain this is even the issue, or if it's something

else (eg. depression) but at any rate, I gather that whatever the

issues are in your marriage, they have gone largely unexplored by

your spouse. He's not really interesting in knowing.

, on the other hand, has sought out, and has received, and has

embraced a diagnosis of AS. After the initial shock, he quickly

adopted a positive attitude and embarked on a journey of learning.

That isn't the only difference. is very self aware and he is

not a bitter person, and he's taking full ownership here, and he's

very willing to learn how to make things better, and put that into action.

I understand generalization, bitterness, projection. I've done all

that and during different periods in my life, and I still fall prey

to it. My mother always used to say that " bitterness does more harm

to the vessel it is stored than on the object it is poured. " You are

moving through the stages of grief. Right now I see you fighting back

from depression, and that's a good sign. Now you need to find the old

" you " again. And don't stop believing that people can change - if

they want to.

take care!!!

- Helen

At 08:23 AM 5/5/2008, you wrote:

>Not to burst your bubble . Good for you. I hope you follow

>your advice. If I showed you the 1000 emails I got from my husband

>throughout our 2 year courtship, you would not have found anyone

> " more committed " , more willing to put in 100 or 150%. They were the

>dearest sweetest letters. Maybe I should go back and try to find one.

>

>Words of caution. Print off your letter and hang it on the

>refrigerator. If you enter into that relationship, read it every

>day and make sure you are going to continue to give that 100% and

>make sure you understand what that 100% means to the other

>person. Make sure that your up front relationship is not a special

>interest that fades with time.

>

>I am just saying that I think we should all learn our limitations

>and not think we can make promises we can't keep. I'm beginning to

>learn my own. I know for example that love does not always conquer

>all, that my perserverence doesn't always win out, that my " great

>communication " skills are sorely lacking in an NT/AS

>relationship, that my perceptions to the actions of others have

>often been wrong in this relationship. I've learned that I cannot

>fix all things no matter how badly I want to. I do think if we

>understand our limitations we may be able to at least attempt to

>keep those promises. And you seem aware of yours, and it is good to

>be enthusiastic, but just be careful especially of the feelings of

>someone else.

>

>Sandy

>

> A word of encouragement to those

>with AS who want to meet someone....

>

>A word of encouragement to those who have AS who seek another

>person. Take heart. When I was diagnosed officially with AS last

>year, little did I even think, feel, or consider that a night like

>last night would have happened with Hayley on a first date. I

>encourage anyone who has AS to be proactive in getting help. Educate

>yourself (read books, read what is going on in here and in other

>Aspie groups, go to AS type conferences and workshops). Get

>professional help (get counseling/therapy with someone who

>specializes with AS or ask around where you might be able to find a

>specialist with AS).

>

>Meet others who have AS, or as someone suggested to me - get involved

>with groups in your area which cater to your interests (where it will

>be easier to get to know people). Invest in your life and in your

>future. We create our own realities. Live in the present (and

>appreciate living and being in each present moment), take a hold of

>the future, and run with it. Doing nothing but complaining to

>everyone about how your life with AS is going because of having

>a " woe is me " attitude will only have your life spinning in the mud.

>

>Do know this, however. If you want to meet someone really nice for

>you (this applies to both people who are NT or AS), do a lot

>of " inner work " in your life. For me, that involved falling in love

>with myself and accepting and loving myself for whom I am. Not just

>because I was diagnosed with AS, but my whole self. Then, to realize

>how much of a special person I am, and the attributes that make me

>special.

>

>Be emotionally ready for a relationship. Before meeting Hayley last

>night, the person I met a few weeks ago told me the day after meeting

>her, " It's not you. It's me. " I didn't know how to take that, until

>I read that meant " not being emotionally ready for a relationship " .

>Hayley told me she wanted to meet someone who was " ready made " . She

>explained further that she didn't want to be around someone who

>wasn't ready to give themselves 100% to a relationship. I could not

>have agreed any less.

>

>It's easy for anyone with AS or anything else to want meet someone

>very nice. You must think that way even if it hasn't happened yet.

>Use mental imagery and visualization to picture yourself like the

>event is unfolding. Believe in it. Then, act on it, and do the work

>needed to make it happen. Unless something turns out to be a

>miracle, preparing one's self is involved. It's amazing to see what

>happens when things unfold. Be proactive, but allow things to happen

>in their own time.

>

>