Values and incompatible needs

[Guest guest]

I value being honest and caring. And i often think that i do act

honest and caring, my behavior appears to be that way in the moment.

But if i look closer i

find out that, underneath, just below conscious, i often have a secret

plan with a nonvalued

purpose, playing a game, which shows in the long run. Example, Being

helpful, to prove me right and/or to look good and/or put other down.

Or i do caring behavior like give hugs, and discover that im doing it

as a cover for the pleasure of touching a body.

I find it hard to reveal my games and agendas, if i find them out, it

is when i have already played them and maybe fulfilled a nonvalued

purpose. And even if i find out the hidden need that is out of line

with my values, i have a problem to resist acting it out. Do

you have any tips on this issue?

[Guest guest]

My primary reaction to this is, if you're really moving effectively

toward what you honestly value at these times, nothing else matters.

Our minds will come up with all kinds of "reasons" as to why

we're doing what we're doing, but remember that these reasons are just

talk. You can move toward your value with or without reasons--and you

can move toward your value even when your mind is telling you that

you're doing it 'for the wrong reasons'. They're tricky little things,

aren't they? If you notice yourself buying into thoughts like "I'm

such a good person because I'm being being so caring now" at such

times, notice these thoughts for what they are. I'd encourage you to

peridodically try using some defusion strategies with such thoughts at

these times, and to orient yourself back toward your relevant value,

for the following reason: If you buy into a thought like this when

you're being caring, it may well be more likely that you later buy into

thoughts like "I'm a bad person because I don't care about this person

right now." What you are is human being moving toward what is most

important and meaningful to you, and bringing your mind along for the

ride.

Best,

JT

actandaccept wrote:

I value being honest and caring. And i often think that i do act

honest and caring, my behavior appears to be that way in the moment.

But if i look closer i

find out that, underneath, just below conscious, i often have a secret

plan with a nonvalued

purpose, playing a game, which shows in the long run. Example, Being

helpful, to prove me right and/or to look good and/or put other down.

Or i do caring behavior like give hugs, and discover that im doing it

as a cover for the pleasure of touching a body.

I find it hard to reveal my games and agendas, if i find them out, it

is when i have already played them and maybe fulfilled a nonvalued

purpose. And even if i find out the hidden need that is out of line

with my values, i have a problem to resist acting it out. Do

you have any tips on this issue?

[Guest guest]

Minds will always torment with issues of

genuineness.

Q: Would you be honest and caring even if/when

it meant letting go of looking good and being right?

If yes, then how does honesty and caring get invalidated when it

supposedly looks good?

J T's idea is a good one: defusion and a refocusing

on walking the walk

- S

C.

Foundation Professor

Department of Psychology /298

University of Nevada

Reno, NV 89557-0062

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From: ACT_for_the_Public [mailto:ACT_for_the_Public ] On Behalf Of actandacceptSent: Tuesday, January 31, 2006 1:11 PMTo: ACT_for_the_Public Subject: Values and incompatible needs

I value being honest and caring. And i often think that i do act honest and caring, my behavior appears to be that way in the moment. But if i look closer i find out that, underneath, just below conscious, i often have a secret plan with a nonvalued purpose, playing a game, which shows in the long run. Example, Being helpful, to prove me right and/or to look good and/or put other down. Or i do caring behavior like give hugs, and discover that im doing it as a cover for the pleasure of touching a body. I find it hard to reveal my games and agendas, if i find them out, it is when i have already played them and maybe fulfilled a nonvalued purpose. And even if i find out the hidden need that is out of line with my values, i have a problem to resist acting it out. Do you have any tips on this issue?