Waking up

[Guest guest]

You all make choosing your values sound so easy. It is not. I wish

I could just " wake up " to what I hold important " just because. " I

feel like I wake up to a big empty chasm called life and I face that

empty chasm with angst. And when I do move (pick a value and move

towards it) I feel like I need to justify my actions not only to

others but myself as well. I feel like I need to source and footnote

my every thought and action.

For some reason I feel like picking values is important. That it is

not something to be done lightly and thus requires me to think about

it and come up with some damn good reasons for acting on whatever I

choose. Is this where I am going wrong? How do you " just choose? "

Please realize that I am not really trying to argue with your

suggestions. I will try them. I just want to know how do you find

that place within yourself if you've kept it secret from even

yourself? I've hidden it so well for so long I wonder if I will ever

find it. And if I do find it how will I know?

I spend alot of my energy trying to fit in and seeking approval for

both my thoughts and my actions. How is it possible to just choose

for me alone? Choosing for myself almost seems selfish. Right now I

live my life for my kids. My life revolves around them. I am

already worried about what my life will be like when they leave home

in the not too distant future. Then I will be floating adrift in a

big expansive ocean with absolutely no direction.