Re: Knowing what you should be doing but not doing it!

[Guest guest]

Good Morning Simone,

I don't know the answer to your questions. I struggle with that

myself. Even in the discussion of escapist thoughts I find myself

protesting-- yes but sometimes escaping is a way to take care of

yourself-- so I don't know if that is my mind trying to protect my own

escaping behavior or if it is compassion for the little person who is

still so easily overwhelmed.

I come from a background of anxiety, though I haven't been anywhere

near panic for years. My question to you: What happens if you decide

to take a risk (admittedly a huge one so give yourself a break on

that)and your very worse fears are realized. You get to the ice

skating arena and you lose it... what then? You are there with the

kids and your friend. You are shaking, hyperventilating, can't

concentrate on any sort of conversation, antsy or maybe you are crying

and can't get off the floor... think of the very scariest thing that

can happen to you in a panic attack... and then what? What happens next?

I know from my own experience that I was much more afraid of other

people's reaction to my panic than fearful of how dreadful panic

feels. And you will get a reaction. Some people will be uncomfortable,

some people will be afraid of you and for you, some people will want

to reach out and help you, others will have nothing but compassion for

you. Your friend might be confused (unless she knows it might happen)

the kids embarrassed. But where are you in all this? The Simone crying

on the floor worrying about what other people might think of her. The

Simone who decided to risk it, the Simone who showed up in all her

humanity, the Simone who is a gift, panic and all. Is it worth hiding

that Simone because people might look at her, might see her and be

uncomfortable by her?

I truly believe every time each of us decides to risk it and we are

willing to show up, " flaws " and all, we create a little more space in

this world for others to show up to.

Whatever decision you make will be ok. If your value is connecting

with this friend, there are other ways to do that, if your value is

going out even when you feel you need to stay home there are other

ways to do that too. Please remember to be with yourself kindly. This

decision making is a vital part of the process, no matter what the

final outcome, and it is worth being present for.

--Janelle

>

>

> Hi,

>

> Nearly a year of working with ACT has brought its benefits - but I

> still fall into those traps that Randy was talking about - and I

> still avoid like hell.

> I have done my values - but hesitate to place an action on certain

> values because then I am committed and the possibility of failure and

> depression loom. For instance, my friend has asked me to go ice

> skating with our kids - but my mind immediately comes up with all

> sorts of images and thoughts of me panicking - (its not the ice

> skating, its the venue, a big Hugh castle with big Hugh grounds) this

> is the sort of place that triggers my agoraphobia. And I don't want

> to look a fool in front of my friend so I avoid instead. Now, I KNOW,

> I should go, and defuse and expand and all those other things - but I

> just don't want to trigger those feelings. I am willing up to a point

> and then SLAM, the doors of my mind shut down and I say no... and

> then I feel depressed and a failure. I value my friend and spending

> time with her only I like to do it somewhere I feel comfortable. I

> know this is wrong, I know, I should go forward regardless and take

> all my feeling and thoughts with me but I still have not managed to

> deal with the overwhelming feelings of panic that rise within me. The

> feelings of intense vulnerability and all the associated physical

> feelings. So my question to the group is, is it good enough to tell

> myself thats its Ok - I can still value the friendship I have by

> seeing my friend somewhere I feel comfortable, or am I selling myself

> short? And if I am selling myself short, how can I stop from beating

> myself up about it?

>

> Simone

>

[Guest guest]

> So my question to the group is, is it good enough to tell

> myself thats its Ok - I can still value the friendship I have by

> seeing my friend somewhere I feel comfortable, or am I selling

> myself short? And if I am selling myself short, how can I stop

> from beating myself up about it?

Hi Simone,

Is it OK if I open my big mouth one more time today? I think the

short answer to your very good question is this: in the end no one

knows what to do but you. You own your life even when you don't want

to.

But if you want my opinion, there is no must ... and there is no

should, except in the form of thoughts.

If it is useful to hang onto 'must' and 'should' and 'wrong' and

similar thoughts, hang onto them. If it's not useful, work on

letting them go (but not getting rid of them). Not because they are

bad thoughts or wrong thoughts, but only because they do not serve

you.

If you need help with letting go (but not getting rid of), reread

the workbook chapters on defusing & mindfulness. Do the very

beginning exercises over again. There are several different ones,

and as you know they each offer different ways to defuse. It doesn't

have to be meditation or nothing. For example there is an exercise

about imagining your mind as a chessboard. Get out a real chessboard

or something similar and act it out. I did it last week with a little

basket and a handful of pocket change.

Your mind may tell you you're an idiot for doing this, that you

should be beyond it. Start there. Each thought as it arrives will

insists it's really right. Each thought is a chance to practice.

As for thoughts of panic: You needn't be afraid of committing to a

value as long as you keep the distinction straight between values &

goals. A value might be living an independent, loving, engaged life.

Skating at a big Hugh Castle isn't a value. It might at some point

be a goal, a big jump after you practice smaller jumps. Having done

the small jumps successfully, can you find an intermediate jump to

do?

Is all this worth it? You won't be wrong if you decide it's not, nor

will you be right if you decide it is. You own your life.

[Guest guest]

>

>I think the issue for me at this time is that I am getting better at

>recognising thoughts as thoughts and defusing, but I am rubbish at

>allowing phyical sensations just to be. I think it is this that I need

>to focus on. I just find the whole panic thing overwhelming. It says in

>the Russ book that if you find it overwhelming to practice

>accepting one small thing at a time

Hi Simone,

I am just wondering if going ice skating at (? leeds castle?) is too

big a leap, you could set yourself a goal which is just outside your

comfort zone bubble but does challenge you a little. Maybe arrange to

meet your friend somewhere new for a coffee or whatever. Then (and

this is the difficult bit!) you would have to be willing to feel all

of the pain and anxiety that just having said you would do whatever

this is brings to you. To feel it fully even for a very short time.

Perhaps once you have made a commitment, you could lie in bed and

imagine going - and let yourself feel whatever you feel (I am sure

your brain will conjure up an anxiety inducing scenario! mine sure does!)

I havnt worked through the exercises in russ harris book yet, for some

reason I just found it too hard to do more than read both that and the

leave your mind behind book.

happy new year

good luck

j

[Guest guest]

>

> When I try to do too much it brings up more anxiety and negativity

than I am comfortable with - but then I guess being comfortable isn't

the issue is it?

>

> Simone

Hi Simone,

I was wondering whether you are able to try getting in touch with your

'inner yoga teacher' to help you?

I am sure that in your classes there are times when your students say

those small but dreaded two words 'I cant'? I expect there may even be

postures which when you are planning the class, you know are probable

fear inducers!

So although you might well empathise, that doesnt get people any

further forward in the valued direction of doing yoga. I am guessing

that you try some words of encouragement, perhaps 'have a little go'

maybe using props or yourself to help and support. Start small with a

modified posture.

If you shut your eyes, can you see yourself in your yoga teachers

outfit? Get in touch with that aspect of yourself? Can she help you

with some of your 'roadblock thoughts' (the ones that make you stop or

turn round and go home in leave your mind behind)? Maybe she can help

you with the thought about being comfortable in your bubble, that

that often leads to your world getting smaller and smaller, and on

occasions less able to be as fully active with your children as you

would like. Perhaps you have a couple of defusion exercises that work

particularly well for you that she could remind you of.

If this does help at all, remember that this part of yourself is there

with you all the time! YOu have her with you wherever you go.

good luck

j

[Guest guest]

> Also I think I need to development a lot more mindfulness generally!

>Its the knee jerk automatic reactions that I have to work on, this

>turning away from my own experience, turning away from the anxiety. I

>have failed to embrace it fully which I know that I need to do in

order >to move forward.

> I am really interested in the mind/body link in all this and with me

>it is thought=extreme panic reaction=run! x

Hi Simone,

I am still struggling with this knowing what I should be doing but not

quite doing it! HOwever, yesterday when I wanted to go straight home

to bed, I discovered that it was entirely possible to think that, and

yet still keep on walking and carry on through the woods instead of

getting the bus straight home! I confess I did cut the walk short and

come home not long after that rather than have a long extended stroll

as planned, but listening and not obeying straight away is a small step.

Bearing in mind that its a fine line between avoidance and using

techniques that help to calm you down, remembering there is the

possibility that its not always possible to find a choice when

extremely distressed, you might find this useful

http://www.heartmath.org/free-services/quick-coherence-technique.htm

I cant do it, because although i find steps one and two kindof helpful

I get to 3 and I just cannot for the life of me think of or remember a

time when I felt good! So I have given up on it.

good luck!

j

[Guest guest]

>

> You can describe the process that scoops out the space for that new

way to be

> but you cannot give a verbal rule that will BE that process ...

because the point of the process is to move the logical mind over into

the passenger seat.

> Giving a verbal rule that will BE that process puts the mind back

into the driver seat.

> About the closest you can get to a verbal rule that will BE that

process is a paradoxical

> one - thus all those goofy Zen books eg " the key to enlightenment is

this: do not believe this "

> (sounds of bombs exploding as the mind implodes and the writers of

such books laugh hysterically)

So then would a workable verbal rule be " don't buy verbal rules? "

[Guest guest]

>

> Thank you for your great post - that helps a lot.

When I first read Steve's reply I thought aha of course that makes

perfect sense, but as soon as I thought that it suddenly didnt make

sense any more at all!

I had something very small that went wrong in december, and boy! what

my mind did with that. It cascaded it and snowballed it out into all

sorts of other areas of my life where it didnt strictly belong. Part

of me tried to be interested in that, notice it and could see the

connections. Part of me just wanted to do my normal experiental

avoidance techniques and habits even though I know they dont work.

The other morning when I was indulging in lying in bed - which is one

of my favourite avoidance places to hide (though I try and have an ACT

book next to my bed and read a page or two), I was thinking about my

progress and lack of it with ACT work.

It seems a bit like the tide coming in. Watching, youre not sure at

first whether the tide is coming in or out. There is a biggish wave,

and it seems you can see the water making progress up the beach but

the water drags back again pretty quickly, and then there are just

smaller waves lapping and it looks like the tide might be going out

after all. Maybe I dont need to worry about whether the tide is going

out or coming in at all, if I can just be where I am experiencing it all

J