Thoughts vs. Emotions and Belief in acceptance versus real experience - for JoeeD and Context78, and the rest of us, too.

[Guest guest]

Many of the recent posts go right to the meaning of 'accepting' and 'valuing',and 'committed action'.

I find 'acceptance' to be a very squishy term: it means many different things in different circumstances. And, if one compares some different examples to each other, it's possible to see in those differences what 'acceptance' is NOT...

In the category of 'things that one accepts' you can find the following:

situations I cannot control

the love of another

loss of a friend or family member

an award or prize

being fired from a job

a challenge from a competitor

a diagnosis of an illness

a pay-raise

It may seem silly to think about whether or not to 'accept a pay-raise' - most people will do it without thinking - but what if you are stuck in a job you hate, and that pay-raise makes it harder for you to quit? Suddenly, we're talking about 'values' and whether or not to act in a ways that is consistent with one's values.

So it would seem that the differences aren't really about 'resignation' or 'surrender' either, as in "I guess I have to accept it, because when I don't, it just makes matters worse;" but has more to do with the result, or further action that 'accepting' might require - which is where accepting connects to both 'values' and 'committed action'.

The same holds true for 'being fired from a job' - if it's a job you hate, it's a lot easier to connect with your values, and act accordingly - but if it was a job you were good at, and all of your good friends and relationships are connected with it, too, and the reason for your 'being fired' was in some way undeserved or unjust; your values might move you to accept the challenge of getting your job back...

Years ago, Marlon Brando famously rejected his "Best Actor" in order to make a political statement. Some people shrugged it off as being a 'stunt' or 'that crazy Brando' or whatever - To me, those reactions say more about the person having the reaction than about Marlon Brando.

What I get from what he did was that he valued taking his most visible opportunity - and the greatest award his chosen profession has to offer - to make a statement on behalf of other people, who might never have that kind of visibilty. So, some people might call it 'rejecting an award' - I suggest that he was accepting an opportunity to do something with that award that most people wouldn't - valuing,and committed action.

So, for me, accepting painful thoughts and feelings makes no sense at all - if doing so isn't connected to my own personal values, and having a way to act upon them. I try to keep moving, especially when my mind tells me not to.

This is what 'acceptance' means to me - Accepting the challenge of having painful thoughts and feelings, even physical pain, and still getting up in the morning and finding out what my life is going to be about, today - sometimes, those turn out to be the most fun, enjoyable days I have, and sometimes, they suck, monumentally. But either way, I got to 'choose' moving in a valuing way.

Others in the ACT community have pointed out in various ways that 'suffering can be a great teacher' - which sounds condescending, insensitive, and plain stupid when I'm in the middle of my suffering - and yet I notice again and again that it really is a powerful 'teacher'. But if the lesson learned is "Never get too close to another human being because they might leave me, or die" or "Don't take risks, because you might fail, and that would be terrible" then you might be in the wrong classroom.

Pain is a great teacher, though, in another way - is has the ability to show us what is important to us.

If I wake up feeling massively anxious and/or depressed, my first thought might be, "shoot, I've got to get up and go to work." ACT suggests that we 'thank our mind for that particular thought' and get up anyway - but that still misses a really important point: what are you going to do when you get your lazy, sick, miserable, depressed, anxious ass up out of bed (besides thanking my mind for those thoughts, too)?

Usually, I find a way to make a point of 'getting out of bed' meaningful, for me and the people i care about - even if they never notice or want to give me an . Committed, valued action is another way of talking about 'courage' - doing something because it's the right thing to do, whether anyone notices it or agrees with it, or whatever.

My headstone is NOT going to say, "He Stayed in Bed."

Anyway - this is pretty much what i've been getting from this stuff.