Re: Fear and willingness/ Publicly disclosing, declaring commitments

[Guest guest]

I have just a couple of cautionary footnotes I'd like to add with

regard to disclosing with others and the importance of leaning to live

inside the ambiguity. (Thanks for another great post, Steve).

When doing the follow-up dialog after trying new behavior:

I'd add be prepared for all outcomes and just watch without judgment

what comes up around all that.. For example, even though you make it

clear to a friend that you don't want reassurance, you may find you

are still looking for it, may look for some sign that they understand

or hope they " get you " . Yet they may truly not understand--not

everyone talks this way, after all. ly, some of my friends don't

want to hear this much detail. It's not that they don't care, it's

just not their cup of tea, or they may have enough on their plate to

deal with. So just be ready for that. And disclosing this much to

others may propel them to do something to comfort despite our telling

them we don't need this. So be prepared for that possibility too, and

as Steve said, just watch the ebb and flow compassionately.

Steve was just tossing out one example and it's clear he didn't mean

" Do it just like this " , but I think with these exposure exercises it's

important in general to remember that you have lots of choices as to

what to say to others--including the choice of saying very little, or

nothing at all. And then simply watch your mind and notice what comes

up around that. Sometimes it can actually be more helpful and more of

a stretch to keep the explanation to bare minimum, to sit in silence

with the ambiguity in all it's glory, allow the fear of: " Oh no, what

are they thinking?! " to arise--especially if you tend to over-explain

yourself to others, or if you find you often look for reassurance.

Watch the mind as it looks for reassurance, watch the urge to convince

the other (that you are doing something legitimate, something good,

right).....watch it all, holding lightly...

Actually, a while back Steve made brief mention of the importance of

remembering your larger goal when we disclose with others, and I

thought it a very helpful warning-- 'outing ourselves' is not enough.

He said something to the effect: 'It can't be: " You make me accept

myself " . This work has to start within by choice--a leap of faith.

Then from that place (of self-fidelity), the verbalizing helps makes

it real.'

Remembering this helps tremendously. It's otherwise just too easy to

get derailed and the confessing/declaring of commitments can take on a

life of it's own. It can be a sneaky way to avoid all over again. I've

seen this happen too often--especially in certain settings/cultures

like self-help/ self-awareness meetings where self-disclosing and

'telling on yourself' is coveted, coached and becomes sort of the

fashionable thing to do.

Anyway, I guess I'm just saying honor your own experience in terms of

what is working for you, where you are with this work. Play around

with different scenarios, remain curious and open and keep noticing

what comes up for you.

Hope that helps some.

Joanne

>

> Usually stuff like this is very old.

>

> The word embarrass is an avoidance word.

> It orignally meant an obstacle, or blockage;

> and it came from a metaphor (en - to put;

> and bar -- from barre which was, well, literally a bar).

>

> So it is not surprising you say " then I totally

> shut down, can't say anything, and get very embarrassed. "

> You could say that sentence this way " and then I hit an emotional

and cognitive bar,

> I stop, and I feel what it feels like to stop when you hit an

> emotional and cognitive bar. "

>

> The key is not to get over or through the bar.

> The key is to get with it; to inhale it; to carry it

> with you as you move ahead.

>

> Why? Because emotions and cognitions

> are not physical bars -- they are psychological bars.

> And psychological bars are strengthened by struggle

> and avoidance, not weakened. For that reason,

> psychological bars cannot be defeated --

> they have to be eaten, taken in, inhaled, transformed.

>

> My suggestions

>

> Do some " tin can monster " work (and things like it)

> to unpack " I'm being judged " more. Go back to the little

> kid that felt that. Go into your body. etc. Learn. Be genuinely curious.

> You are already seeing the fruits of that in the work you are doing

> (it is in your message)

>

> By the way, reassurance that you are NOT being judged is not

> helpful -- from others or you. You don't have to conclude that you

> are being judged either ... what is needed is living inside the

ambiguity

> and then just letting your mind scream about how it needs to know

one way

> or the other.

>

> Try to find safe opportunities to out yourself.

> That too you are already doing (in this message).

> More is good.

>

> e.g., tell a friend something you would not usually say.

> Then follow it with:

>

> ... I usually don't say things like that,

> because I'm afraid of being judged and then I hide and get small.

I've found the more I'm

> controlled by that process, the less I can actually be myself with

you or with

> other people I care about. I'm working on putting myself out there

and just

> watch my fearful, judgment-phobic mind run in circles.

> I'm not asking you to rescue me or reassure me ... I just

> want you to know that has been a barrier for me that I'm

> going to let go of it.

>

> Then spend some time really watching the ebb and flow of

> fear, self-judgement, " embarrassment " and hold that with self-compassion

> and mindfulness

>

> Sorry if I sound like a big know it all advise giver ...

> too late (or early) for my jet lagged head to

> smooth that part out

>

> Good luck

>

> - S

>

> Steve

>

>

> ________________________________

>

> From: ACT_for_the_Public on behalf of marcelasbip

> Sent: Fri 1/18/2008 9:40 AM

> To: ACT_for_the_Public

> Subject: Fear and willingness

>

>

>

> You both have brought up some interesting points. After reading

> your replies I realize that maybe the fear doesn't lie in the thought

> itself but rather in the behavioral sequence that follows it. And

> actually as I'm writing this I'm realizing it's the whole cycle of

> thoughts-bevavior-thoughts about behavior that I fear. The thought

> I'm having is " I am being judged or criticized. " I then totally shut

> down, can't say anything, and get very embarrassed. Then I get

> embarrassed because I am embarrassed and then I start thinking I'm

> being judged because of my behavior and on and on and on.....

> I've been practicing and doing the mindfulness exercises and

> feel like I've got it handled in practice (ie at home, by myself.)

> It's when I interact with anyone in any way (in person, on the phone,

> or even posting something online!) that this cycle starts. I can't

> even talk to or be in the room with the psycologist I'm going to

> without still feeling totally embarrassed (and I've been going to him

> for almost a year!)

> I would like to move towards more real world practice but because

> of the nature of this particular thought I feel totally stuck and

> afraid to move forward. Even posting this is huge step for me. I

> got no sleep after my first post because I was totally having the

> thoughts that I was being judged (by people I don't even know and

> will probably never meet!) Posting this is in fact practice for me.

> I'm mortified at the thought of this! Thank You mind!!!!!

>