Acceptance

[Guest guest]

I'm on a DBT listserv and one of the most frequent questions I see are members asking for tips on Radical Acceptance. I struggled with DBT until I figured out how to make the skills work for me but this doesn't seem to be something that is taught or welcomed. ACT was a huge turning point in my therapy and part of the reason I was able to change the DBT skills to fit my situation. So, after another member asked about individual experiences with acceptance I thought I'd share with you part of my response to her. And, because I'm curious, to ask what acceptance means to each of you?

Thanks, Christi

My Email Response:

I've done a lot of work around acceptance. For me it's more of something that is in my mind now than an actual activity that I do and it's taken me a long time to figure it out. I could not have done it without the DBT skills first but I believe acceptance was the turning point in my therapy. My therapist is an ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) therapist and it's much different from the traditional therapy. You can find several books on Amazon by and others regarding it. The newest workbook that I really like is called Get Out Of Your Mind And Into Your Life. Anyway, here's my personal take on acceptance.

Most of you know that I suffer from extreme PTSD from severe physical and sexual abuse. I have nightmares almost nightly and body memories daily. When I was in this abusive relationship I pushed the pain away. When I was attempting to get out of the relationship and after I got out of the relationship I used self harm and other destructive behaviors to control the nightmares, body memories and emotions I was feeling. Everything in my life became about controling and avoiding everything. It was a vicious cycle.

Even while I was going through DBT I was still locked into why the skills weren't making my 'symptoms' go away. Why wasn't changing my behavior changing what my mind was giving me? Our minds do whatever the hell they want. Just because we do something doesn't mean our mind isn't going to tell us something else.

My first step was to notice the thought or thoughts my mind was giving me during a particular situation or body memory or whatever. Sometimes I could notice for a few seconds before I started avoiding again sometimes longer. I bounced back and forth with time depending where I was and what I was doing. I just practiced being mindful of my thoughts and tried not to judge my thoughts. If I judged my thoughts I thanked my mind for that and moved back to noticing the thought again. I was just curious.

Once I could notice my thoughts I added noticing my judgements around my thoughts. Again, I just practiced when I could for whatever time I could. I tried to pay particular attention to the thoughts and judgements I found myself running from and would discuss those more with my therapist. The more I practiced the less anxious I was. I realized my thoughts weren't going to kill me.

That was the key for me. My thoughts are just my thoughts. They aren't who I am. It's also been helpful for me in my relationships. Instead of trying to make the other person change their behavior I've learned to accept who they are. While I don't like having body memories and nightmares I had to learn to accept that they are part of me right now. Maybe even forever. It doesn't mean I like them or invite them into my life but they're there. So instead of fighting with them I've learned to sit with them until they pass. Because I've learned to accept them I'm in a place where I can do exposure therapy and hopeful I can rewire my brain to see the physical beatings and rapes as something that happened to me instead of something that is still happening to me.

Acceptance doesn't involve anything other than allowing what is to be. Just noticing and acknowledging it. Not trying to change it, alter it, interfere with it, avoid it, like it, dislike it, etc. To simply just let whatever it is be what it is. What if we could all just have the thoughts we have, good or bad, right or wrong, with or without judgement and not beat ourselves up for having them? Most people I know don't think it's possible and continue using control and avoidance to self destruct. I'd rather be the minority because I enjoy having a life worth living. Acceptance in my opinion has been an extremely freeing experience. Can you imagine anything better than that?