Feeling Safe

[Guest guest]

Hi Everyone,

I wrote in my other post about feeling safe, and I guess safe is when

depression goes. I have just developed Alopecia areata, an autoimmune

disease, and my hair is falling out so I don't feel very safe at the

moment. It is usually stress related so I hope I can recover. At its

worse my eyebrows will fall out too, I will then be very ugly, I'm

sure.

I remember about twelve years ago in my old flat (apartment) I was

clearing out a cupboard in my bathroom and putting shelves in it.

After that I started filling it with some overflow from the kitchen

cupboards it started to look very familiar. I had sauce bottles, jam,

and salad cream, etc, all sitting there on the shelves. When I had

finished I looked at it and all of sudden I had a flashback in time

to when I was a young boy and we had a larder. I was really there and

I felt very safe and happy - it was so cosy, nice, and friendly. I

was just gobsmacked by what I was seeing and experiencing, it was

surreal and beautifully unnerving.

I had forgotten this feeling, that the world could be so safe and

benign, that it could be really friendly, sunny, happy, just simply

gorgeous and full of promise. Suddenly there were hills and valleys

filled with sun, lovely aunties and grandmas in their sweet houses

with lovely cakes, apple pies, pots of tea, and tables covered in

old fashioned red cheque tablecloths. Uncles sat there in their

living rooms with their mugs of tea reading a paper. The sun shone

down onto the brick walls with that never ending orange glow. I could

smell it, touch it, and feel it. I had friends then that I really

bonded with – blood brothers - and hopes about having lovely

girlfriends in the future- even at six years old. At school me and my

mates all loved Belinda Evens. The trains went by in the distance

rolling over the hills going clickerty clack taking people to far

away exotic places and I dreamt of going there too one day, when I

was older. I was in love with it all.

This feeling of safety lasted about fifteen minutes and I never got

it back again, but it's nice to know that the world can be like that.

I'm looking forward to being there again one day, even if I have no

hair. I think it is worth fighting for.

Kavy