A new way to do the skills. Noticing yourself Noticing.

[Guest guest]

HI Louise,

In a way it might be a bit easier because at least I know that my biological

mohter is

messed up and the whole reason for cutting contact was so I could hear myself

and not

her. I don't have to listen to a thing she has to say except in my own mind. I

have

paid a price though. My daughter has seen this and sometimes I think she will

do the

same to me, only because that is what she saw. She has no idea that the whole

reason I

did this was that I was so determined that the same was not going to happen to

my kids.

The cycle was going to stop with me. And I was going to do whatever it took to

do that.

The person who lost in the deal was me, but I did what I said I was going to do

and

sometimes that is what I have to live with. I think my son understands this.

Thats kids.

It is far more confusing to still be in the situation. ANd very confusing when

you love

your parent. And, I commend you for being so caring. But in a way you are

losing in

this deal. So, because your parent has these issues she can't, not that she

probably

doesn't want to, be the parent she wants to be. So, you have to look out for

yourself.

Maybe, you can stand up for yourself while still assuring her. We fall into

our old

habits and triggers so easily and those are what needs to be looked at. It is

almost

automatic. Or maybe in your own mind, think this is her not me. And deal with

it

within yourself. I do know how hard this is. Just because it is hard though

doesn't

mean it can't be done. This is all my very humble opinion from my experience.

You know another thing this week is, to apply the ACT skill of watching your

thoughts

like a train of thoughts going by from a distance. I have found myself having

to

visualize myself picking the thoughts I need watch from a distance and

physically, in a

visual way, putting them on the train. For example, my last therapist

comepletly messed

me up and when I find something that she said that was wrong, it isn't enough

for me to

see it on a train I have to say to myself, this goes on the train. I just

realized

recently that her thoughts belong on the train. This has helped me. For some

reason I

was having some difficulties and this technique helped in that respect.

Have you ever had a candy necklace? When the necklace is all together it is one

necklace. But you can pull the necklace apart, it is a bunch of pieces of

candy. You

cannot eat the pieces of candy when they are fused into a candy necklace and you

can't

even see that they are pieces until you pull it apart. Then you can see that

some of the

pieces belong on the train and some can stay on the necklace. That is what

diffusion is

like, in my humble view. You pull it apart and then you have these pieces you

can deal

with separately. This is a phrase I use alot. I 'candy necklace; my issues.

And here is another example, The candy necklace thing was something I came up

with while

talking to last therapist. So, what happens when I think of the candy necklace?

I think

well, maybe it was me and not my therapist. Maybe I am was wrong and she was

right.

Because she was present when " I " came up with this. Then I have to candy

necklace that.

First I had to remember that the necklace technique was something I came up with

not her.

And just because she did have a few things that were okay, doesn't mean I don't

have a

complaint over the really, really messed up things she did. I have to 'candy

necklace'

the person that I talked about the " candy necklace' technique with. Now that's

diffusion

at it's core. And it could be and is really confusing.

I think you can put thoughts from your mother on the train. I haven't read that

part of

the book recently but it was like a train I think, and you can distance

yourself from

your moms issues in a compassionate way. And hopefully, that will aleive your

guilt. It

may not but that has to be accepted. It won't always work the way you want but

the good

news it will sometimes or maybe most times. Accept that in a positive way.

You are

doing this for you and your mom didn't do this because of anything you did. It

may feel

like it. Your mom is doing this because of herself and she doens't get it but

that

doesn't mean she doens't love you and because of this you and her issues can be

divided

without her involvement. And you can love her without hurting yourself.

Believe me you can do it without her involvement. You can forgive without an

apology. I

have done it. You have to in most cases because what are the chance that the

person who

has these issues is going to suddenly figure this out and apologize? Nearly,

zero. It

takes years of effort to get to that sort of place.

I am being really honest and giving of my specific examples from my own life.

This too

can hurt me but it is just who I am. I can't hide myself. I have tried.

Peace,

Robyn

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