Accepting Pain

[Guest guest]

I have had a bad time this last 6 weeks and I now know that much of

this is due to running away from pain.

I got a girlfriend about six weeks ago but I'm not sure about her as

I was really after her friend. And yet being with her and going out

and meeting her friends is really doing something for me – I can feel

new tentacles sprouting in my brain. I had some lovely days with her

last week when I was off work and we went to the seaside a number of

times. I came out of hell for a while and started to feel very

optimistic indeed, and I also noticed that when I looked in a mirror

I seemed to look 20 years younger and was quite attractive, and this

surprised me. My optimism became boundless and I now I know what it

is like to be free of depression – it's absolutely gorgeous. And I

felt that if this continued my brain would recover from PSSD.

One of my problems was that I stopped going to dancing through

laziness because I had a girlfriend – who, ironically, I met at

dancing - so I gave in to my exhaustion. Over the years I have found

that running away from pain greatly increases it and so I felt

despair in the end by staying in and I was just as tired next day

anyway.

I've been avoiding this very pretty girl at work because I think she

doesn't like me but she probably doesn't like me much because I avoid

her and she thinks I don't want to know her. Still, if she was

friendlier and I would have been OK with her. I think she is like

this with most people but because they are not messed up like me they

have got to know her and she now seems to quite like them, so I now

regret avoiding her as I wonder what's wrong with me and why I can't

get on with her like they do.

Today I decided speak to her and it was very painful for me because I

felt that I was a weirdo with nervous problems and that she despised

me. And I'm sure she does but who knows. Anyway, I was interested in

the nature of the pain and I found it was a lot more bearable than I

had imagined it would be even though it was excruciating. But what if

I do look really creepy to her because my pain is so obvious? Oh

well, who cares as I can be with pain like this as says

on P.130 of GOOYMAIYL and I need not be completely overwhelmed, or if

I am, I can accept this because the only way out is through.

But there was a surprise: being in contact with so much pain made me

feel human, caring, and considerate, not the monster that I fear I am

because I really hate it that I might have made someone feel so bad.

This made me realise that I was not horrible at all and so you can

see how going through the pain was a transformation for me. If she

really hates me then it says something about her, not me. And if I'm

so upset about this then I'm hardly the monster I think I am. Also, a

feeling of forgiveness and compassion for myself came over me

when I suffered. The thing is I know this has gone wrong

because I could not embrace it - the fear of the pain held me back

and so I now have more pain.

But what if I am just suffering from severe depression and when it

goes I will feel so different and so I needn't go through this? Well

that's true but my condition is chronic and by avoiding this pain

things have just got worse. I needn't experience too much of it, but

by only going in the office when she isn't there hasn't helped.

Feeling so much pain doesn't mean I'm a weirdo, just someone who is

mixed up at this point in my life.

Kavy