Re: The Opposite Sex.

[Guest guest]

Hi Robyn,

I can undertand how you feel. It is quite daunting to start dating

again.

I don't think that getting a book is a bad idea, it might give you a

few tips.

My advice, for what it's worth, is to try and use ACT by allowing

yourself to be nervous and unsure and still meet men.

You don't have to approach it with the intention of entering another

serious relationship, just meet this guy and have some fun.

Feel the way you do (and will) during the 'date' but give it a shot.

I think it's a good opportunity to put the ACT principles into use.

It's totally understandable that you feel the way you do but the only

way through this is to do it!!

Good luck.

Birgit

>

> I know this is sort of off topic but I just don't know who to ask

about this stuff. I met someone on line. We have been talking and I

have just come through a divorce from an abusive person. I was

married over 20 years even though I did have a lot of men friends

over those years. My husband knew about it. And I had some

attraction to one of them and wanted to leave my marriage. But

didn't. I should have left the abusive marriage a long time ago.

>

> Anyway, I am feeling like an emotional idiot. I don't know how to

deal with men now. I don't know how to get back into dating,

especially with my issues. This person I met seems really nice. He

completely understands anxiety disorders but I don't know how to act

or feel or anything. Does anyone know how to learn to get back into

the world. My mind is saying alot of stuff. The one thing I have

learned through all this pain is to take things slow. I don't ever

see myself married again. Because it will take me years to trust

someone that much.

>

> Of course my thinking mind wants to get a book on it. I don't know

what to do. Especially, when someone is attracted to me and I don't

know how I feel. I feel like I know nothing. I love chick flicks

and that is not a good place to get my information on dating again.

LOL

>

> Any help in this area is appreciated. I know it is off the ACT

topic. But maybe not.

>

> Robyn

>

[Guest guest]

Well I had a somewhat similar experience maybe sharing it will help

you in some small way. In the summer of 1999 I was a 29 year old

virgin who had never really been out on a date before. I was a regular

poster on a newsgroup about social phobia where mostly I posted about

how miserable I was and how I wish I had the nerve to commit suicide.

I received an e-mail one day from a nice lady who was lurking in the

newsgroup who wanted to know some things about SP and thought I was

the only one in the group who was both thoughtful and intellectual

about it. We soon discovered we shared a love of subversive, dryly

funny e-mails filled with veiled innuendo and we spent the whole

summer e-mailing and IM'ing each other every day. After a few months

it was obvious she cared a great deal for me and was scared of the

level my depression was playing in my life. It was obvious I cared for

but was too scared to admit it. For some reason I trusted her so much

that I told her a horrible secret about myself that I thought would

drive her away especially when I didn't hear from her for a few days.

A few nights later I was sitting at my lonely graveyard security job

and in walked a young woman made an incredible toughing silent gesture

that only I would recognize. She had driven 500 miles to see me

because she thought we needed to be together. A few very stormy years

passed where we broke up about 6 times, confronted things about each

other we both wanted to hide, and had a lot of cries and even more

laughs. Until we finally got it all out and realized we wanted to be

together. Our nine year long distance relationship ended in August

when I made my own 500 mile trek to be with her all the time.

I don't know if I can really put that story in the context of ACT, but

I guess the most important thing was our willingness to be ourselves

with each other even though there were and still are a lot of things

we didn't like about ourselves. We accepted the baggage we brought

because that was the only way we could get what we both wanted, to be

together. Getting there was often extremely painful, but that was

unavoidable. I had to learn how to be a boyfriend from scratch at age

29. There was no way to avoid it. I think the trick is to be who you

truly are and recognize when someone is willing to wade through some

of the rough outer patches of yourself to get to what is beautiful inside.

Good luck

> > >

> > > I know this is sort of off topic but I just don't know who to ask

> > about this stuff. I met someone on line. We have been talking and I

> > have just come through a divorce from an abusive person. I was

> > married over 20 years even though I did have a lot of men friends

> > over those years. My husband knew about it. And I had some

> > attraction to one of them and wanted to leave my marriage. But

> > didn't. I should have left the abusive marriage a long time ago.

> > >

> > > Anyway, I am feeling like an emotional idiot. I don't know how to

> > deal with men now. I don't know how to get back into dating,

> > especially with my issues. This person I met seems really nice. He

> > completely understands anxiety disorders but I don't know how to act

> > or feel or anything. Does anyone know how to learn to get back into

> > the world. My mind is saying alot of stuff. The one thing I have

> > learned through all this pain is to take things slow. I don't ever

> > see myself married again. Because it will take me years to trust

> > someone that much.

> > >

> > > Of course my thinking mind wants to get a book on it. I don't know

> > what to do. Especially, when someone is attracted to me and I don't

> > know how I feel. I feel like I know nothing. I love chick flicks

> > and that is not a good place to get my information on dating again.

> > LOL

> > >

> > > Any help in this area is appreciated. I know it is off the ACT

> > topic. But maybe not.

> > >

> > > Robyn

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

what a great story, thanks for sharing!!!

> > > >

> > > > I know this is sort of off topic but I just don't know who to

ask

> > > about this stuff. I met someone on line. We have been talking

and I

> > > have just come through a divorce from an abusive person. I was

> > > married over 20 years even though I did have a lot of men

friends

> > > over those years. My husband knew about it. And I had some

> > > attraction to one of them and wanted to leave my marriage. But

> > > didn't. I should have left the abusive marriage a long time

ago.

> > > >

> > > > Anyway, I am feeling like an emotional idiot. I don't know

how to

> > > deal with men now. I don't know how to get back into dating,

> > > especially with my issues. This person I met seems really

nice. He

> > > completely understands anxiety disorders but I don't know how

to act

> > > or feel or anything. Does anyone know how to learn to get back

into

> > > the world. My mind is saying alot of stuff. The one thing I

have

> > > learned through all this pain is to take things slow. I don't

ever

> > > see myself married again. Because it will take me years to

trust

> > > someone that much.

> > > >

> > > > Of course my thinking mind wants to get a book on it. I

don't know

> > > what to do. Especially, when someone is attracted to me and I

don't

> > > know how I feel. I feel like I know nothing. I love chick

flicks

> > > and that is not a good place to get my information on dating

again.

> > > LOL

> > > >

> > > > Any help in this area is appreciated. I know it is off the

ACT

> > > topic. But maybe not.

> > > >

> > > > Robyn

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

That is a great story!!

My fears about intimacy have gotten so bad, that I totally avoid

relationships as I think " i can't handle my own emotions how can i

expect someone else to put up with my mood swings, panic attacks

etc. "

But with ACT, i am slowly learning self-acceptance, and that i don't

need to wait untill i feel good or 100% to move towards my values.

However, having been isolated in the relationship dept for years

now, i think i am lacking in interpersonal skills. Like Robyn, i

dont know how to deal with dating etc

I am not sure where or how i can go about meeting people, but i do

know that i want to take that step.

Maybe the internet is a start!.... im inspired by your story!!

> > > >

> > > > I know this is sort of off topic but I just don't know who

to ask

> > > about this stuff. I met someone on line. We have been

talking and I

> > > have just come through a divorce from an abusive person. I

was

> > > married over 20 years even though I did have a lot of men

friends

> > > over those years. My husband knew about it. And I had some

> > > attraction to one of them and wanted to leave my marriage.

But

> > > didn't. I should have left the abusive marriage a long time

ago.

> > > >

> > > > Anyway, I am feeling like an emotional idiot. I don't know

how to

> > > deal with men now. I don't know how to get back into dating,

> > > especially with my issues. This person I met seems really

nice. He

> > > completely understands anxiety disorders but I don't know how

to act

> > > or feel or anything. Does anyone know how to learn to get

back into

> > > the world. My mind is saying alot of stuff. The one thing I

have

> > > learned through all this pain is to take things slow. I don't

ever

> > > see myself married again. Because it will take me years to

trust

> > > someone that much.

> > > >

> > > > Of course my thinking mind wants to get a book on it. I

don't know

> > > what to do. Especially, when someone is attracted to me and

I don't

> > > know how I feel. I feel like I know nothing. I love chick

flicks

> > > and that is not a good place to get my information on dating

again.

> > > LOL

> > > >

> > > > Any help in this area is appreciated. I know it is off the

ACT

> > > topic. But maybe not.

> > > >

> > > > Robyn

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

If your up to it try dancing i.e, ballrooom, jive, rock amd roll,

etc. Meeting people is easy, much better than a dating club. If your

shy like me when you first go it can be terrifying. Doing everthing

wrong with two left feet I just persevered and after a month or so I

didn't look so stupid.

I had become pretty isolated and so the next difficult stage was

being with people again. In my isolation I had the untested view that

I was special in some way and it it took some getting used to that

most people didn't think so. I chased lots of girls and was rejected

by most of them. Gaining your confidence is hard work and comes

slowly, but there is no other way but getting in there - you have to

face the music.

Kavy

> > > > >

> > > > > I know this is sort of off topic but I just don't know who

> to ask

> > > > about this stuff. I met someone on line. We have been

> talking and I

> > > > have just come through a divorce from an abusive person. I

> was

> > > > married over 20 years even though I did have a lot of men

> friends

> > > > over those years. My husband knew about it. And I had some

> > > > attraction to one of them and wanted to leave my marriage.

> But

> > > > didn't. I should have left the abusive marriage a long time

> ago.

> > > > >

> > > > > Anyway, I am feeling like an emotional idiot. I don't

know

> how to

> > > > deal with men now. I don't know how to get back into

dating,

> > > > especially with my issues. This person I met seems really

> nice. He

> > > > completely understands anxiety disorders but I don't know how

> to act

> > > > or feel or anything. Does anyone know how to learn to get

> back into

> > > > the world. My mind is saying alot of stuff. The one thing I

> have

> > > > learned through all this pain is to take things slow. I

don't

> ever

> > > > see myself married again. Because it will take me years to

> trust

> > > > someone that much.

> > > > >

> > > > > Of course my thinking mind wants to get a book on it. I

> don't know

> > > > what to do. Especially, when someone is attracted to me and

> I don't

> > > > know how I feel. I feel like I know nothing. I love chick

> flicks

> > > > and that is not a good place to get my information on dating

> again.

> > > > LOL

> > > > >

> > > > > Any help in this area is appreciated. I know it is off the

> ACT

> > > > topic. But maybe not.

> > > > >

> > > > > Robyn

> > > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

LOL! Well there were probably 3 women out there who valued a man

with his nose between his legs

So there is hope for us all

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I know this is sort of off topic but I just don't know

who

> > to ask

> > > > > about this stuff. I met someone on line. We have been

> > talking and I

> > > > > have just come through a divorce from an abusive person. I

> > was

> > > > > married over 20 years even though I did have a lot of men

> > friends

> > > > > over those years. My husband knew about it. And I had some

> > > > > attraction to one of them and wanted to leave my marriage.

> > But

> > > > > didn't. I should have left the abusive marriage a long

time

> > ago.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Anyway, I am feeling like an emotional idiot. I don't

> know

> > how to

> > > > > deal with men now. I don't know how to get back into

> dating,

> > > > > especially with my issues. This person I met seems really

> > nice. He

> > > > > completely understands anxiety disorders but I don't know

how

> > to act

> > > > > or feel or anything. Does anyone know how to learn to get

> > back into

> > > > > the world. My mind is saying alot of stuff. The one thing

I

> > have

> > > > > learned through all this pain is to take things slow. I

> don't

> > ever

> > > > > see myself married again. Because it will take me years to

> > trust

> > > > > someone that much.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Of course my thinking mind wants to get a book on it. I

> > don't know

> > > > > what to do. Especially, when someone is attracted to me

and

> > I don't

> > > > > know how I feel. I feel like I know nothing. I love chick

> > flicks

> > > > > and that is not a good place to get my information on

dating

> > again.

> > > > > LOL

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Any help in this area is appreciated. I know it is off

the

> > ACT

> > > > > topic. But maybe not.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Robyn

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

It did and does take a lot of work to be intimate. A lot of work,

pain, and crying. It makes me wonder if it is all worth it. Then I

imagine what the last nine years of my life would have been like if I

had just thrown in the towel and said it was too much for me to

handle. Believe me it is worth it. There are a lot of nice guys out

there. It is just sometimes were a little shy. Look for the quiet ones

and you'll never go back.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > I know this is sort of off topic but I just don't know who

> > > to ask

> > > > > > about this stuff. I met someone on line. We have been

> > > talking and I

> > > > > > have just come through a divorce from an abusive person. I

> > > was

> > > > > > married over 20 years even though I did have a lot of men

> > > friends

> > > > > > over those years. My husband knew about it. And I had some

> > > > > > attraction to one of them and wanted to leave my marriage.

> > > But

> > > > > > didn't. I should have left the abusive marriage a long time

> > > ago.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > Anyway, I am feeling like an emotional idiot. I don't

> > know

> > > how to

> > > > > > deal with men now. I don't know how to get back into

> > dating,

> > > > > > especially with my issues. This person I met seems really

> > > nice. He

> > > > > > completely understands anxiety disorders but I don't know how

> > > to act

> > > > > > or feel or anything. Does anyone know how to learn to get

> > > back into

> > > > > > the world. My mind is saying alot of stuff. The one thing I

> > > have

> > > > > > learned through all this pain is to take things slow. I

> > don't

> > > ever

> > > > > > see myself married again. Because it will take me years to

> > > trust

> > > > > > someone that much.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > Of course my thinking mind wants to get a book on it. I

> > > don't know

> > > > > > what to do. Especially, when someone is attracted to me and

> > > I don't

> > > > > > know how I feel. I feel like I know nothing. I love chick

> > > flicks

> > > > > > and that is not a good place to get my information on dating

> > > again.

> > > > > > LOL

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > Any help in this area is appreciated. I know it is off the

> > > ACT

> > > > > > topic. But maybe not.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > Robyn

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

>

> I have only one word in regards to relations with the opposite sex. 

RUN!

>

> Bill (Bill Stickers)

> Van Nuys, California

With your tail between you legs,if you nose what I mean?, Stickers?

Still laughing!

Louise