On the Road to Surgery

[Guest guest]

Feeling blue and worried today. Thank Goddess I have LDN to help me cope emotionally.

Making lists. What to do, what to bring, what to buy, what to explain to those who will be in my space helping.... ay yi yi....

I went to two teaspons of LDN last night. This past couple of days I haven't felt the same energy boost I felt since starting. Will probably go to full dose tonight unless some symptoms appear. This will be my eighth dose. The headaches have gone away. I've had some irritation in my intestines but not sure what that's about. I checked with my healer about magnesium but it turns out I'm already getting it in the herbs I've been brewing daily as well as foods I've been eating. These are:

Herbs:

Nettles

Red Raspberry

Sage

Chickweed

Foods:

parsley

leafy greens

squash

bananas

garlic

sesame seeds, oil

So maybe it's not about magnesium. She thinks my symptoms are due to stress and suggested I take a B vitamin product called Stress M from Country Life. Don't know if I can digest it though, as it's a hard pill. I don't think she realizes I had the numb toe before the cancer crisis. Not sure when the lung rattle started. So hard to get a word in edgewise with these busy people. sigh. Everyone keeps forgetting I can't do a lot of pills.

Seems like so much of this journey is about human relations and getting support. It's so much easier to be a giver, to be there for others. So much harder to get the specifics I need from others, to trust that they will come through without harming me in some way. It works better with folks at a distance who send me love and energy and prayers from afar. But it's the ones close up that cause me worry. Things have to be done in a certain way or my life can be endangered. Telling them the specifics is hard when they are feeling criticised, reprimanded, controlled, unappreciated. Of course that is not my intention at all and I am supremely grateful for their help and caring. Getting one's needs met in this world sure is a tricky business. I guess this is one of my life issues and may be related to my illnesses. Over the years I've learned to go it alone and with Goddess for the most part. It's so much easier and spares me and others the anxiety, the alienation. Naturally there is way much more stuff that needs to be done than one person can handle alone. So of course now it has all piled up around me. Before surgery I must do a lot of plowing, much of it that no one can help me with. Approaching death and life-threatening illness brings this challenge to the forefront... one's self-made world is pried open and peeled like an orange for all to see...one needs to depend, trust, rely on others... to tell them what works without hurting their feelings or making them feel invalidated. One friend of mine accuses me of being "negative" when I share my worries about all this with her. It hurts to hear this. How can she know all the intricate reasons behind my concerns? She is in a different universe. Amazing sometimes how we humans keep loving each other across so many gaps. Maybe if I had found a way to resolve all this years ago I wouldn't have cancer today. Who knows.

Sharing all this because maybe it will be of use to others struggling with similar issues.

Thanks for listening.

Love,

Shekhinah

In a message dated 1/5/06 12:21:13 PM Pacific Standard Time, nathan@... writes:

Shekhinah,Sorry Dr. Bihari was not more helpful, though it is significant that your doctor will work with you on LDN. I am glad to read that you have been in contact with Bruce G. If only through the LDN board. He is an amazing person.I hope things work out well for you. It is good to hear many of your family and friends will be nearby for support. Kennard1319 N. Buccaneer DrSalt Lake City, UT 84116h: 801-951-1392c: 801-815-8044www.nathankennard.com

Magic is afoot, a heart and a handAnd Goddess is alive in the land!Shekhinah Mountainwater, Radical Muse, Faery Bard, Tarot Priestess, a foremother of the Womanspirit Movement, Author of Ariadne's Thread.My website Moonspell: http://shekhinah.net/Join our women's online Goddess community: Moonspells My blog: http://journals.aol.com/shekhinahmoon/SoSheStirs/ Online Womanspirit classes:moonspellstudycircleMagical Marketplace and Giveaway Faire:moonspellfaire If you have received this email as part of a bulk mailing and would prefer not to be on my list, please let me know and I will honor your wishes. Not on my list and want to be? Email me at shekhinahmoon@...