Having a tough morning...

[Guest guest]

Having a tough morning. Christmas came and went. My SO and my sister

worked hard to make it a happy time for me. Overall they were

successful since most of my weekend was happy with them. But I'm

still so sad. I had a migraine almost the whole weekend. Just

wouldn't go away. Thankfully it's gone now. I was so tired too. I

went to bed at 9 PM last night. But at 3 AM I was awake for the day.

I'm tired, but can't sleep now. My tears this AM won't stop. I fell

asleep for a bit and dreamt of my mom in that damn hospital that did

her in. That hospital that gave her the Risperidol. The dream was of

the day we went to visit her and found her all by herself on the

hallway couch. She couldn't go into her bedroom for privacy b/c of

the construction that was going on during the whole time she was

there. She was too scared of the other residents to go into the

common room. And that was the day we found the cut on her hand -- the

cut she received when assaulted by another resident -- the same cut

that when she told us and we talked to the nurses, they denied it,

and we didn't believe her at first. When she was talking the truth. I

finished reading that Mitch Albom's book " For One More Day " .

If I had one more day with my mumsie -- I would apologize (again) for

sending her to that hospital. I would ask forgiveness from her that I

didn't choose to listen to my gut and not leave her there. That was

the one thing I'll never be able to forgive myself for. I sensed it

was a bad move, but instead of listening to my gut, I chose to listen

to my surroundings and the doctors. Don't waste your breath -- I know

what you'll say b/c you've said it to me before -- but I can never

get it through my hard head that it wasn't my fault. Maybe if I heard

from my mom that she forgives me I'll stop feeling the guilt.

What else would I do if I had one more day? I would give her a BIG

hug and kiss. And tell her " I love you more than you love me. " (That

was a little ritual we would do back & forth.) I KNOW she's in a

better place now. I KNOW she's out of pain. I KNOW she's dancing

again. But I miss her so much. So much that it hurts. I feel like I'm

lost. I have my SO. I have my sister and her family. I sort of have

my brother and his wife (only via phone since he's mostly incognito

in our lives.) But my life up until the point of my mom's death was

very close and connected to my parents. We were a threesome. I was

an " oopsie daisy " - my folks had me when mom was 38 and dad was 42.

We were a team from my very beginning. From age 12 it was just the

three of us living together. Now with them both gone now, I feel like

a floater. No real ties anywhere.

Most days I'm OK. But the grief comes in waves. And I'm just having a

hard time right now. I'm so tired I want to go to bed -- but I would

feel worse if I did so, since I'm to be awake for the day in a 1/2

hour anyway. Thanks again for listening. I hope you don't mind my

venting.

I do have a couple of things happening next month. My parents started

a tradition years ago with our old church group - having an Epiphany

Celebration in their home. Once my mother had moved into a smaller

place the tradition continued at the church. They're having it again

on 1/7 and it will be in honor of my mom. The priest is requesting

that my sister & I read from some of my mother's writings (don't know

exactly what he means by this -- not sure what writings he's

referring to) so we'll do this. And I decided to have a 5-7 minute

mini-movie made about my mom - using all those photos I had burned,

home movies (we only have a few of those), etc. I'm using this

company: http://www.hindsightmedia.net/

I've already talked to the owner (he did a project for my previous

job and donated to the auction) - and we'll start this project in mid-

January. I want to show mom's legacy in that mini-movie. I could have

people interviewed for it too -- but not sure I'll go that route. I

think this mini-movie could be therapeutic for me. And in the end

have it burned for mom's siblings and my siblings.

Thanks again everybody...

; loving daughter of Maureen of Boston, MA; dx'd with LBD in

2/2006; fell victim to rapid decline from Risperidone; Was successful

on Celexa, Exelon, ALA & B1; Mom became my Guardian Angel on Sept.

30th, 2006.

Visit the LBDCaregivers board on the web:

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/LBDcaregivers/

[Guest guest]

Dear ,

I wish I could do something to take away your grief. I can tell from all I

have read of your posts about you and your mom that she was remarkable and you

had a very close relationship. I know this is so painful for you. I just wanted

you to know that I am thinking of you.

Hugs