See or not to see???

[Guest guest]

Hi There,

First, I want to apologize for making a short story longer than it

might has to be, but this is my first time of writing this down.

I started going to couples therapy with my husband, to deal with

issues of intimacy and making more time for eachother (--> 1 child

and a new business). In our therapy session my realtionship with my

mother came up. Well, after a couple of sessions the therapist

suggested that I read a book titled " I hate you, dont leave me " .

For two weeks I read and was more and more puzzled. Some of the

things apllied, but smost did not at all. When we went back to see

the therapist, I told him that I am mayb totally out of touch with

reality, but I did not get anything out of this book. Well, it

turned out that he suggested it to me in regards to my childhood and

that I misunderstood him that it wasnt intended to be about me, but

about my mother. I started to cry out of relieve and validation for

all my experiences with my mother. But the book that took me over

the " Edge " and I still havent picked it up again is " Surviving a

Borderline Parent " . I felt like a HUGE burden has been lifted from

me, that I wasnt crazy, that I was a child and not the parent to my

mother, that I deserve being loved, that I dont have to feel guilty

for something I havent done, that I deserve being treated with

respect and not being bad-mouthed to family members as well as

complete strangers, that my feelings are valid, and that I can let

go. And here is the problem...

I still get wrapped up in her craziness when we talk on the phone.

I live in the US and my mother lives in Germany. Yet, (I almost

wrote - she still controls me) ... I still allow her to manipulate

and make me angry from thousand's of miles away.

How can I make it stop???????

And now I have a 3 year old daughter... I want my daughter to have a

relationship with her grandmother. My mother can be so much fun and

has so many awesome life lessons to offer. Yet when I am around her

visiting her or she visiting me, it never fails, we get going. She

says the most hurtful things about my dad and my grandmother (her

mom). How my dad kicked her in the stomch when she was pregnant

with me etc. I, of course, try to put some logic beyond it and

explain to her that I am her child and that these statements do

nothing positive for my life, but just burden me and that it isnt

necessary for me to know these things.

She only started to talk bad about my dad and others, when I got to

be an adult and started to actually make an effort to have a

relationship with my dad. I did not see him after my mother left

him when I was 5 1/2 years old until I was 12 years old. And even

than I saw him only 3 times until I was 27 years old. I decided to

call him and initiate a relationship when I was 27 years old and we

have been growing closer and closer. My daughter loves my dad and

we visit him once a year in Europe. I started developing a

wonderful relationship with him as well. Of course my mother is

outraged and cant stand not being put on the pedestal for all the

things she did raising me by herself. Bla Bla Bla...

I guess I dont want my daughter to go through the same things I went

through and not know her grandmother, like I did not know my dad.

And the self-doubt comes in, that my mother never was even diagnosed

with BPD. But my stomach just turns and I feel like crying,

powerless, defeated and tired of having to think that I need go to

see my mother,(in order for my daughter to see and know her).

I remember how I imagined when I was 12 years old, that my mother

would die and I would have to send out announcements to everyone

that she was dead. And how I did not feel sad about her death or

remorseful to think this things. I even put into my diary that I

believed my mother need to be in a mental hospital. Of course she

found the diary (she doesnt know what the word " Boundries " is even

today) and made fun of it. She thought it was hilarious that I

wrote that. For me on the other hand, it confirmed that she was

insane. I am glad I can laugh now at this. The rest of my

childhood I vaguely remember. My grandmother tell me stories about

how this and that happened, but I dont remember it.

Okay, one more thing and I am asking my questions, that I hope

someone can help me gain some insight into.

WOW, I again wanted to protect her and write that she was never

physically abusive to me, only mentally. But that is not true....

She hit me a lot and at the same time said that she couldnt have

done all the things she did without me (like rasing me and starting

a new life in a new country...she left my dad with me and moved from

Hungary that was still Communist to West Germany), that she loved me

more than Life itself.

I am sorry I am making this so long.....

So here are my questions:

1) Should I see my mother with my daughter? I am planning on going

to Europe this summer and my mother knows that I will visit my

family in Hungary. The last time I talked to her and told her that

I would discuss it with my husband and see if I can do it time-wise

and financially (to visit both countries). I havent seen my mother

for 1 1/2 years.

2)Is it fair to my daughter for me to cut the tighs with my mother

and my daughter not to know her grandmother?

3) Based on my therapist suggestion, I did not call my mother - for

2 1/2 months and I felt great. Slowly I started wondering why she

hasnt called me (afterall she loves me so much) and I was wondering

how she is doing. So I called her, and she didnt even mentioned

it...it was like we spoke yesterday. Is it okay to just stop

calling my mother or should I tell her that I am not going to call

her from now on?

4) Does anyone know of a support group in Texas?

Thank You,

[Guest guest]

yes, I know of a support group in Texas, but Texas is huge, so you can email

me I guess, and let me know what city you are close to? I don't know how

else to tell you of a support group or if it is even close to you to get to.

Theresa

>

> Hi There,

> First, I want to apologize for making a short story longer than it

> might has to be, but this is my first time of writing this down.

>

> I started going to couples therapy with my husband, to deal with

> issues of intimacy and making more time for eachother (--> 1 child

> and a new business). In our therapy session my realtionship with my

> mother came up. Well, after a couple of sessions the therapist

> suggested that I read a book titled " I hate you, dont leave me " .

> For two weeks I read and was more and more puzzled. Some of the

> things apllied, but smost did not at all. When we went back to see

> the therapist, I told him that I am mayb totally out of touch with

> reality, but I did not get anything out of this book. Well, it

> turned out that he suggested it to me in regards to my childhood and

> that I misunderstood him that it wasnt intended to be about me, but

> about my mother. I started to cry out of relieve and validation for

> all my experiences with my mother. But the book that took me over

> the " Edge " and I still havent picked it up again is " Surviving a

> Borderline Parent " . I felt like a HUGE burden has been lifted from

> me, that I wasnt crazy, that I was a child and not the parent to my

> mother, that I deserve being loved, that I dont have to feel guilty

> for something I havent done, that I deserve being treated with

> respect and not being bad-mouthed to family members as well as

> complete strangers, that my feelings are valid, and that I can let

> go. And here is the problem...

>

> I still get wrapped up in her craziness when we talk on the phone.

> I live in the US and my mother lives in Germany. Yet, (I almost

> wrote - she still controls me) ... I still allow her to manipulate

> and make me angry from thousand's of miles away.

> How can I make it stop???????

>

> And now I have a 3 year old daughter... I want my daughter to have a

> relationship with her grandmother. My mother can be so much fun and

> has so many awesome life lessons to offer. Yet when I am around her

> visiting her or she visiting me, it never fails, we get going. She

> says the most hurtful things about my dad and my grandmother (her

> mom). How my dad kicked her in the stomch when she was pregnant

> with me etc. I, of course, try to put some logic beyond it and

> explain to her that I am her child and that these statements do

> nothing positive for my life, but just burden me and that it isnt

> necessary for me to know these things.

>

> She only started to talk bad about my dad and others, when I got to

> be an adult and started to actually make an effort to have a

> relationship with my dad. I did not see him after my mother left

> him when I was 5 1/2 years old until I was 12 years old. And even

> than I saw him only 3 times until I was 27 years old. I decided to

> call him and initiate a relationship when I was 27 years old and we

> have been growing closer and closer. My daughter loves my dad and

> we visit him once a year in Europe. I started developing a

> wonderful relationship with him as well. Of course my mother is

> outraged and cant stand not being put on the pedestal for all the

> things she did raising me by herself. Bla Bla Bla...

>

> I guess I dont want my daughter to go through the same things I went

> through and not know her grandmother, like I did not know my dad.

> And the self-doubt comes in, that my mother never was even diagnosed

> with BPD. But my stomach just turns and I feel like crying,

> powerless, defeated and tired of having to think that I need go to

> see my mother,(in order for my daughter to see and know her).

>

> I remember how I imagined when I was 12 years old, that my mother

> would die and I would have to send out announcements to everyone

> that she was dead. And how I did not feel sad about her death or

> remorseful to think this things. I even put into my diary that I

> believed my mother need to be in a mental hospital. Of course she

> found the diary (she doesnt know what the word " Boundries " is even

> today) and made fun of it. She thought it was hilarious that I

> wrote that. For me on the other hand, it confirmed that she was

> insane. I am glad I can laugh now at this. The rest of my

> childhood I vaguely remember. My grandmother tell me stories about

> how this and that happened, but I dont remember it.

>

> Okay, one more thing and I am asking my questions, that I hope

> someone can help me gain some insight into.

> WOW, I again wanted to protect her and write that she was never

> physically abusive to me, only mentally. But that is not true....

> She hit me a lot and at the same time said that she couldnt have

> done all the things she did without me (like rasing me and starting

> a new life in a new country...she left my dad with me and moved from

> Hungary that was still Communist to West Germany), that she loved me

> more than Life itself.

>

> I am sorry I am making this so long.....

>

> So here are my questions:

> 1) Should I see my mother with my daughter? I am planning on going

> to Europe this summer and my mother knows that I will visit my

> family in Hungary. The last time I talked to her and told her that

> I would discuss it with my husband and see if I can do it time-wise

> and financially (to visit both countries). I havent seen my mother

> for 1 1/2 years.

>

> 2)Is it fair to my daughter for me to cut the tighs with my mother

> and my daughter not to know her grandmother?

>

>

> 3) Based on my therapist suggestion, I did not call my mother - for

> 2 1/2 months and I felt great. Slowly I started wondering why she

> hasnt called me (afterall she loves me so much) and I was wondering

> how she is doing. So I called her, and she didnt even mentioned

> it...it was like we spoke yesterday. Is it okay to just stop

> calling my mother or should I tell her that I am not going to call

> her from now on?

>

> 4) Does anyone know of a support group in Texas?

>

> Thank You,

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

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>

> To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL

> () for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the Borderline

> Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can

> find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

>

> From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE

> and the SWOE Workbook.

>