Re: No contact in over a year/Father dying...

[Guest guest]

Thank you, " proflaf1 " , for the ideas... My Father is not in a hospice or

nursing home, yet. My nada, who has been quite violent to my Father also, is

his ONLY caregiver. You ask how this is possible? I live 3000 miles from

them(gee, I wonder why?!?), but 2 of the children(yes, yours truely, too)called

Adult Protective Services because of our concern for him. Well, they went out

to the house and interviewed them, but Dad, as always, would not say ONE

NEGATIVE WORD about my mother, or of the past abuse-we children witnessed a lot

of it... The MSW said he could tell my nada was mentally ill within 5 min. of

arriving, but since my Father would not tell about the abuse, there wasn't

anything he could do! So, my Father is continuing to live this " hell " . I get

soooo angered that she has gotten away with soooo much. She has called the

police out on my Father many times on " trumped-up offenses " . The ONLY recourse

I've been able to have is to NOT contact her and tell her NOT to

contact me. But, it does nothing to help with the anger I feel towards her. I

have had to deal with PTSD from the beatings(thought she was going to kill me

many times). I can even get angry about the anger!! I want to let it go, but

this situation with my ill Father makes this very difficult...

You can tell I'm new to this site. I have another question(I've had these

questions, but have never had other nonBPs to ask these things of). I have a

situation that has developed since I'm now older(50 yrs. old). As I was growing

up, MANY people would tell my nada that " she looks JUST like you!! " (refering to

me, unfortunately). I hated this. I wanted NOTHING to do with her, let alone

LOOK like her. Well, guess what...I now catch myself in the mirror

sometimes(when I look up, etc.) and I SEE MY MOTHER STARING BACK AT ME! It

scares the heck out of me when this happens and puts me right back into the ugly

past and I begin to shake... Has anyone else had this experience? If so, do

you have any suggestions that might help?

[Guest guest]

Sometimes I see myself looking a little like nada, but most times it

is my son that looks a lot like nada. In these situations I try to

remember that cnce a long, long time ago nada use to be a little girl

w/a clean slate, a blank piece of paper where her life's history had

yet to be written. I think I try to love that little girl before she

got soooooo screwed up into a nada and I nurture that part of me and

my child and see that I am different and he is different and that the

future is different. Love IS different than hate and I chose to love

that part of me that even looks like nada b/c in the end, I think if

she had been loved as a child or even took the time now to look in

the mirror and get honest and love herself, then things would be

vastly different. Love is never something people fall into like a

hole. Its a choice and I chose it and especially in those moments

where I want to split me and nada into the all bad catagory and

reject that part of me or the part of her that was once filled w/a

hopeful potential future.

Hope this helps when you look in the mirror.

Kerrie

>

> Thank you, " proflaf1 " , for the ideas... My Father is not in a

hospice or nursing home, yet. My nada, who has been quite violent to

my Father also, is his ONLY caregiver. You ask how this is

possible? I live 3000 miles from them(gee, I wonder why?!?), but 2

of the children(yes, yours truely, too)called Adult Protective

Services because of our concern for him. Well, they went out to the

house and interviewed them, but Dad, as always, would not say ONE

NEGATIVE WORD about my mother, or of the past abuse-we children

witnessed a lot of it... The MSW said he could tell my nada was

mentally ill within 5 min. of arriving, but since my Father would not

tell about the abuse, there wasn't anything he could do! So, my

Father is continuing to live this " hell " . I get soooo angered that

she has gotten away with soooo much. She has called the police out

on my Father many times on " trumped-up offenses " . The ONLY recourse

I've been able to have is to NOT contact her and tell her NOT to

> contact me. But, it does nothing to help with the anger I feel

towards her. I have had to deal with PTSD from the beatings(thought

she was going to kill me many times). I can even get angry about the

anger!! I want to let it go, but this situation with my ill Father

makes this very difficult...

> You can tell I'm new to this site. I have another question(I've

had these questions, but have never had other nonBPs to ask these

things of). I have a situation that has developed since I'm now older

(50 yrs. old). As I was growing up, MANY people would tell my nada

that " she looks JUST like you!! " (refering to me, unfortunately). I

hated this. I wanted NOTHING to do with her, let alone LOOK like

her. Well, guess what...I now catch myself in the mirror sometimes

(when I look up, etc.) and I SEE MY MOTHER STARING BACK AT ME! It

scares the heck out of me when this happens and puts me right back

into the ugly past and I begin to shake... Has anyone else had this

experience? If so, do you have any suggestions that might help?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Weary, I am sorry for your difficult situation. Your nada sounds

very hard to handle and, based on your other posts, you father

doesn't seem to be cooperating with your attempts to help either. I

can understand wanting to live far away--I have also lived far away

since I was 18.

I have known my nada to be similar to yours--insisting on being

there if I'm with my dad and frequently turning the conversation to

crap(although she usually abuses him, not me).

One thing that has helped me put this in perspective is to remind

myself that my dad is not a totally innocent victim in this, that

his willingness to allow my nada to behave the way she does has only

encouraged her to keep going and lead her to think she can do

whatever she wants whenever she wants.

That said, I can understand why you would want to say " goodbye " and

tell your dad you love him. Even if she's on speakerphone and is

yelling you could still say that. You won't be able to have a long

conversation, but you can repeat the same simple message over and

over--it would probably get through. Sometimes when my nada is

raging and I have something I have to say, that's what I try. She

gets even madder, but I get my 2 cents in and the correct parties

hear them.

It sucks to be reduced to that as an alternative, but sometimes it's

all you have.

Trish

>

> Hi,

> This is my first post... I have a difficult situation that maybe

> some of you can give me some ideas??

> My Nada is 75 yrs. old and my " dishrag " Dad is 79. He has

Alzheimers

> and who knows how much time left? My nada was very violent-to me

her

> oldest daughter-of five children. While growing up, I did the

> cooking, cleaning, and babysitting of younger siblings while she

had

> multiple affairs(as we found out later). I am 50 yrs. old now and

as

> my " profile " states, weary of the past... There is brain damage

to

> my medulla oblingata and I have had such a bad time with

depression

> that is resistant to meds, that I am currently undergoing a series

of

> ECT- shock treatment...I can't believe I'm at this stage. I left

> home at 18 yrs. to get away from my nada's violence, and joined

the

> USAF. After 4 years in the service, I went and got my degree in

> teaching. Eleven years of teaching later, I contracted Multiple

> Sclerosis and Fibromyalgia(it has been speculated that the stress

is

> probably responsible). I have a situation wherebI have not

contacted

> my parents in over a year because the abuse on the phone is

extreme.

> I don't know how much time my Father has left and I need to speak

> with him and tell him I love him. But my nada will not let me

talk

> to him alone(none of the 5 kids can) , but uses the speaker phone

and

> she controls the conversation which turns into yelling--any

ideas?

> If my Father dies and I have not spoken to him, I know I will

regret

> it.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Trish,

Thank you for the response. Yes, I finally came to the full realization that

my Father suspected there was " something going on " --his words, not mine--but, he

NEVER DID ANYTHING about his suspicions!! So, yes, my Father doesn't come out

of this " clean " even though I wanted to see him as the innocent. I have been

angry FINALLY about his part in this for about two years, making it easier to

not contact either of my parents. But, because of him showing the only love or

interest of the two of them,(no matter how little, it was there...)I want to let

him know that I love him, before he dies. I know I will see him in heaven-not

very sure about nada-but I have a need to say good-by on this side of heaven.

Once he is gone, the only contact I plan on having with my nada is to make sure

she is in a nursing home when she needs it. I do not plan on visiting her.

This may sound cold, but I cannot let her have the last cruel word--I prefer to

have NO word...