Re: Re: writing for the first time --Kerrie, Trish, , and All

[Guest guest]

Kerrie, Trish, , and All,

When I joined this group I was stunned EVERY TIME I logged on and read the

stories. Crying, had to get up, walk around, kept muttering, “I don’t

believe it. I don’t believe it” that someone else has lived a life like

mine. So many of the same thoughts, feelings, concerns, fears, behaviors,

patterns, challenges, and successes are shared here. Sometimes I still

read a post and have to catch my breath while I say, “Wow.”

I continue to get experience, strength and hope from you and others who

are also fighting the good fight, not only in the battlefields of Oz, but

the confusing terrain of the mind, the ebb and flow of tidal waves of

emotion, the dark days and nights of the spirit, the aches and pains of

mis-wired physical processes, and the searing moments of the soul when all

is questioned and no answers are in sight. You are my heroes, newcomers

and long-timers alike. I salute you and myself for the efforts and

progress we KO’s make.

One Non-BP Recovering Man

--- Kerrie wrote:

> ,

> I'm glad you found this board and you actually have a very good

> therapist to suspect this is what is going on. So many refuse to even

> mention the term and so I went through years and years of therapy

> growing up w/o ever hearing of this mental illness. I was lead to

> believe it is all my fault and I was a defective daughter. Nada still

> tries to pull that one- that she doesn't need therapy as I'm the only

> one in her life that has issues w/her. Obviously w/her fiance's

> suicide last Tuesday, that is sooooo not the case, but I'm sure

> she'll find a way to blame me indirectly for that one too.

>

> In many ways its kind of good your nada has never apologized. Mine

> has several times and it makes it all the more confusing and yo-yoish

> the way in the past she would apolgize through a multitude of

> hystrionics and pull me back into the game thinking that she

> was 'safe' and truly sorry. She's not. She can't be. she's mentally

> ill and can not own her behavior until she own's her disease.

> Otherwise any apology is just a mask of more of her destructive

> behavior and mindgames. In many ways I kind of wish my nada was not

> sooo high functioning and good at holding a job as long as she has

> and acting normal w/so many people as it has made it all the more

> difficult for her to get treatment as well as for my reality of her

> insanity to get validated.

>

> This place is really awesome and a safe haven for me, well that and

> therapy but even in therapy which is only an hour is not as

> validating as this for the simple fact most of my therapists know

> about this from the outside looking in. Other KOs here know the

> inside and out and that's very affirmating.

>

> A couple of other good books to read are " Understanding the

> Borderline Mother " and " Surviving a Borderline Parent " . I've not read

> SBP yet, but UMB is awesome- that's the one that brought me to

> absolute tears when I thought no one else could see inside my shoes

> or understand the reality I had walked in my whole life. SWOE is

> awesome too, but UMB goes to the heart of the KO and doesn't deal as

> much w/spouses or friends and such like SWOE. Though SWOE is

> excellent for boundary issues.

>

> Best wishes to you.

> Kerrie

>

> >

> > I saw a therapist about 3 years ago who first told me

> > my mother had BPD. It's been only the past few weeks

> > though that I've actually started researching this. I

> > was prompted by some of my " nadas " latest rages at me.

> > (this last one she got a hold of my place of

> > employment and called about 20 people letting them all

> > know she's suing me for defamation of character. She

> > tells me things like she has cancer and parkinson's

> > and now when I call her doctors and find out she's

> > lying, I confront her on it but she says I'm spreading

> > lies about her.)

> >

> > I just finished reading SWOE. When I got to the last

> > page,I put the book down and cried. I never knew there

> > was a whole world of other people like me out in the

> > world. Section after section described my mother -

> > sadly, the more extreme case of BPD i fear.

> > I've also just signed up for this list serve a few

> > days ago. I've read countless of your emails

> > explaining problems with you weddings, obligation of

> > weekly phone calls, rages, problems with siblings

> > becays if this, absent fathers, the list goes on. My

> > heart goes out to all of you because it's all things

> > i've been through.

> >

> > I'm now 30 years old and just learning (the hard way)

> > about boundaries and putting down guilt for not being

> > the daughter my nada wants me to be- for not coming to

> > take care of her when she wants me to. The book helped

> > me give so much closure on abuse my brothers and I

> > suffered as children. I always thought we were just

> > bad kids.

> > this has been a very emotional few weeks for me-

> > grieving for the childhood I never had, the mother i

> > never had and now realizing I'll never have. Grieving

> > for the childhood my mother had that caused her to be

> > what she has become.

> > it's helping me try to forgive her though she neither

> > asks for it nor tries to change who she is.

> > it's helping me understand it's ok not to answer the

> > phone when she calls to scream at me, and it's mainly

> > helping me understand i can't change her, fix her, or

> > rescue her.

> >

> > My husband and I would like to start a family in the

> > near future, and for years i've been terrified of

> > becoming a mother- terrified that i'll beat my

> > children out of anger and try to control their every

> > move. Reading this book has helped me so much realize

> > that it's not me, it's her and her disorder and that I

> > have hope of not becoming like her. It's so vital for

> > me that I stop the cycle of madness and abuse. I want

> > desperately to change my family tree. With a loving

> > husband and God's guidance, I finally think I may be

> > able to do this.

> >

> > Thank you all for sharing your deepest pains and

> > thoughts. I never knew there was a world of people out

> > there who have gone through, and are going through

> > what I've felt so alone in enduring.

> >

> > I still have a lot to learn and a lot of questions and

> > more frustrations to get through but reading your

> > comments and how you're handling situations has helped

> > me.

> >

> > God bless you all!

> > -angela

> >

> >

> >

> > __________________________________________________

> >