Re: Crazy Making

May 10, 2006

Stuff like this is at least a good part of the reason that I'm

considering ending my relationship with my mother, even though I feel

terrible because I know she will be very sad and lonely.

May 10, 2006

The crazy making with my nada was continuous for the six months she stayed over

my home. As sad as it is to have no more contact with her, God knows I don't

have anymore energy left for her, I feel zapped, drained. Now I have to

re-build my self all ever again. Stopped exercizing, gained 10 pounds, lost

touched with some friends and hobbies. It almost destroyed my relationship with

my boyfriend of three years. Its been 2 weeks since she went back to Europe

and my depression is on going. Not easy to get rid of the 'fleas " she's left me

with.

MJ

Neva wrote:

Stuff like this is at least a good part of the reason that I'm

considering ending my relationship with my mother, even though I feel

terrible because I know she will be very sad and lonely.

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From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and

the SWOE Workbook.

May 10, 2006

If you are around the negativity too much it will affect your feelings about

yourself and will affect all other relationships, especially your children, and

you may even become ill.

You say you are sick of it. It is at this point that you have a few choices.

If you don't confront her, she will take it that you agree with her and will up

or continue the remarks. If you do confront it, as having had it, she will

split you black and tell everyone you are mean to her. SWOE wants you to

explore where she is coming from.

What I'm doing is to try to learn. Because I don't think abandonment is the

central issue at this late date, but having power is. In order to circumvent

it. I try to look not at the moment she is making the remarks, but to where she

is going with this. I try to learn all I can about it so that I will not repeat

these manipulations with my family. I don't answer her, I don't confront her, I

laugh a lot and change the subject and then stay the h____ away from her.

Sometimes nada is so good at her remarks though that half an hour after I've

hung up the phone it hits me, in the words of my brother, " She got me again " .

She has spent a great deal of time on those particular ones. If I told her I

would not hear of any gossip about someone, the next time she calls on the phone

the first thing she says after hello is " Well your problem is that you need to

be wearing shorts that go to here and your dishwater hair down to there like (my

friend's mother) does. " I can hang up immediately but she has already shot two

birds with one stone.

The following was a learning experience though I do think I only learned to be

nauseous. A cousin's wife left him, a couple months later he had a girlfriend.

nada insisted his wife left him because she caught him in an affair. Two

neighbors, separately, said no, he wasn't not that kind of man, she was not that

kind of woman, neither one would have entered an affair, they met at a party two

months after wife left. nada called, said his wife left because of other woman.

On three different occasions I reminded her of what credible neighbors had said

and that this was not a fair thing to do doing to her nephew. She became

enraged. The next phone call she had been to my aunt, the boy's mother, and

said they told her he had been running with this woman. Later in the

conversation she said my aunt was down sick. When I asked why she said, " Oh,

having to put up with the boy's running around. " Next my older brother called

me and announced in no uncertain terms that this boy had been running around

before his wife left. I said I did not believe he would do that and she had

left several times before so who could blame him. (Ethics out the window,

there.) nada was like a dog with a bone at turning this around to her

perception. It's possible she was right but she could have been wrong too. If

I had let it go she probably wouldn't have gone so far as to carry this to the

aunt. On the other hand, if I let it go, she will assume I agree with her and

tell others that I said he was running around. It's lose, lose, lose. It's

laugh, change the subject and stay the h___ away.

Crazy Making

Well, nada revealed to me this week that her last P before she broke away told

her that she needed to make new friends and stop sabatoging her relationships.

Duh. I mean, good for her! (ha)

My new question is this: emotional boundaries vs physical boundaries. Or

perhaps I should say verbal boundaries? I seem to be able to work on the

boundaries with nada that involve things like not answering the phone, but how

do I handle all of the inapprpriate comments or things that are hurtful without

constantly saying " that was rude " or " I disagree " ?? Do I just ignore them?

They are often very passive agressive, truly make no sense, and are meant to

inflame (perhaps unintentionally?). Here are some examples of one liners from

nada:

" I love my granddaughter more than my own kids. "

" Your daughter doesnt cry with her father because she knows it isnt worth

it. "

" Do you like your new hair cut? ...me either. "

" I agree it is a good thing you arent putting her in daycare. I wouldnt

allow it. "

and the list truly could go on from just the last three conversations.

When we visit or when I talk to her I truly just tell myself now 'It is a

visit to the Mental Hospital. Smile and nod. " (I got that from someone else on

here...)

But I am sick of her comments. Just get over it and ignore? Each one could

potentially be a battle...ok now I am rambling...

BUtifulGrace

---------------------------------

Blab-away for as little as 1¢/min. Make PC-to-Phone Calls using Yahoo!

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May 10, 2006

Grace, I know what you mean and I HATE when my nada makes remarks like

that. My brothers and dad don't know about BPD and haven't been to

therapy, but can ALL recognize that kind of behavior in my nada and

they all hate it too. I don't know if I learned my coping technique

from my therapist or from stop walking on eggshells, but it works for

me(with my nada AND with my high school students--double bonus)

My nada and my teenagers are prone to making snooty, snippy remarks

and then DENYING that they meant anything by it or stating I

misunderstood/am too sensitive whatever. I make a point of waiting

until we are alone or at least going near my nada and talking in a

quiet voice if others are present and saying, " When you said _____, it

sounded like you were_______(insulting me, insinuating something,

making fun of me.) I would appreciate it if you'd avoid making

comments like that in the future. " If she denies having that intent,

or thinks I'm too sensitive, I just say, " well, I'm glad that wasn't

what you meant; I guess we can agree that that wouldn't be a nice

thing to say. " If she rages at me, my policy is to leave. Also, if

she keeps doing a thing after I told her I didn't like it, I feel like

I'm justified in ending the conversation or leaving--and I do,

consistently.

It works out well, because if she denies it, it means she recognizes

that it was a bad thing to say and has been called on it. If she flips

out, then I have an out. Doing this repeatedly has lead to her

lessening her comments. And really the important realization for me

is that I don't need validation from her or agreement from her. I just

would like to warn her that the consequences of her behavior are me

not being around her. When she knows that in advance, it is usually a

deterrant.

Trish

>

> Well, nada revealed to me this week that her last P before she broke

away told her that she needed to make new friends and stop sabatoging

her relationships. Duh. I mean, good for her! (ha)

>

> My new question is this: emotional boundaries vs physical

boundaries. Or perhaps I should say verbal boundaries? I seem to be

able to work on the boundaries with nada that involve things like not

answering the phone, but how do I handle all of the inapprpriate

comments or things that are hurtful without constantly saying " that

was rude " or " I disagree " ?? Do I just ignore them? They are often

very passive agressive, truly make no sense, and are meant to inflame

(perhaps unintentionally?). Here are some examples of one liners from

nada:

>

> " I love my granddaughter more than my own kids. "

> " Your daughter doesnt cry with her father because she knows it

isnt worth it. "

> " Do you like your new hair cut? ...me either. "

> " I agree it is a good thing you arent putting her in daycare. I

wouldnt allow it. "

> and the list truly could go on from just the last three conversations.

>

> When we visit or when I talk to her I truly just tell myself now

'It is a visit to the Mental Hospital. Smile and nod. " (I got that

from someone else on here...)

> But I am sick of her comments. Just get over it and ignore? Each

one could potentially be a battle...ok now I am rambling...

> BUtifulGrace

>

> ---------------------------------

> Blab-away for as little as 1¢/min. Make PC-to-Phone Calls using

Yahoo! Messenger with Voice.

>

May 10, 2006

Trish, that is a wonderful post, especially the second paragraph. I would like

to be able to talk to nada in that manner but I think I am far too rough now. I

would like to ask you a question which you do not have to answer. How far does

she go when she rages?