Re: Tributes to Nada (was Hallmark slogans)

[Guest guest]

ROFL- these are good! I will now have to try and think of my own song

too. I like this humor therapy. It is soooo up my ally. That's the

one thing dh notices when I get pulled back into nada's world too

much. I lose my sense of humor and now that I'm away, I find most of

hte humor I grew up with was rather mean spirited and sick. I

like 'normal' people's humor much better. I like these songs:) Keep

em coming.

Kerrie

> > >

> > > > Okay, so I've been offline a bit lately trying to process

> > everything

> > > > and dealing w/some deep introspecition between the two

suicides

> > and

> > > > then nada breaking yet another boundary (ooooh, big surprise

> > there,

> > > > aye?- dripping w/sarcasm).

> > > > So nada's live in fiance kills himself a week or so before my

> > second

> > > > son's first b-day and one could chaulk up her $100 check for

my

> > son's

> > > > b-day and the $50 giftcertificate she sent for my b-day up to

> > > > dissociation that the bp goes through. But that is not the

case

> > as

> > > > she'd have sent gifts which we told her not to do anymore

since

> > > > Christmas and told her if she understood our family values

she'd

> > know

> > > > we don't need for anything but prayers. Apparently praying

for us

> > is

> > > > too much to ask since she once again tried to send material

> > gifts,

> > > > which dh saw that one coming a mile away after my last

Christmas

> > > > conversation w/nada- 'watch, now b/c you didn't specify

checks or

> > > > cash, she'll be sending that.' and he was right and I

suspected

> > that

> > > > as well.

> > > > And so this weekend is Mother's Day and I'm not sending her a

> > card.

> > > > I've been on the fence about it and have prayed about it and

am

> > not

> > > > sending a card...first time ever. And I can just see her

working

> > it

> > > > up to the unsuspecting outsider and extended family 'feel

sorry

> > for

> > > > me. My fiance just killed himself and now my daughter doesn't

> > even

> > > > send me a card on Mother's Day'. I might have had she been

> > respectful

> > > > of my wishes for my son's and my b-day. Now I see that she's

> > always

> > > > the perpetual victim,which I knew anyway, but seeing it more

and

> > more

> > > > clearly the healthier I get. Never mind she totally pissed me

off

> > by

> > > > sending me the check and the giftcard- 'why who on earth

could

> > mad by

> > > > a simple little gesture like that but someone w/some serious

> > anger

> > > > problems.'- the little nada projection voice...sound familiar

> > anyone-

> > > > feel free to buzz in if you know the correct answer on this

> > > > weeks " Jeopardy " . And truly it is jeopardy I put myself in

when I

> > > > fall for these crazed kinds of conversations I have going on

in

> > my

> > > > head that every KO probably battles too.

> > > > I have been feeling and thinking about just how absolutely

pissed

> > off

> > > > I am at her for sending those checks and giftcards when I

asked

> > her

> > > > not to and how I just want to scratch her freaking eyeballs

out,

> > rip

> > > > off her head and piss down her throat- sorry if this is TMI

and a

> > bit

> > > > grotesque. Come on though- we grew up w/borderlines. Is there

> > such a

> > > > thing for a KO as too much grotesqueness? Our how freaking

> > childhoods

> > > > were grotesque! I'm being honest w/how I feel about her right

> > here,

> > > > right now. And I started thinking how absolutely much I hate

this

> > > > woman. I don't want to, but I struggle with it and struggle

to

> > > > overcome the hatred many days and especially lately.

> > > > I also was thinking of a post I read on another Christian non-

bp

> > > > support group and how one poster said that basically no

matter

> > who

> > > > you are, when you live w/a bp, you come to points where you

are

> > > > suicidal, homicidal and/or both. They evoke those emotions in

> > people

> > > > and that's what they do best. Too bad its not marketable,

huh?

> > Bottle

> > > > it up and sell it and make up for all their financial

screwups in

> > one

> > > > fell swoop.

> > > > In high school when I lived w/nada and was the all-bad child,

I

> > > > totally wanted to kill her, fantasized about it greatly and

> > numerous

> > > > times- the ways I would do it, how I could do it, how to do

it

> > and

> > > > not get caught, etc, etc. Also little wonder I had a

fasination

> > > > w/serial killer biographies (now that I've done some

research,

> > seems

> > > > that more than a few of them had BP moms- is that truly a

> > newsflash

> > > > for anyone here? hardly- or at least I would hope not)- use

to

> > scare

> > > > me more than inspire me, but now I see why I wanted to really

get

> > > > inside the criminal mind. I was raised by one and probably

was

> > one in

> > > > many ways back then, but never stepped too far over into the

> > > > darkside. Even in my best laid plans of how to knock off

nada,

> > the

> > > > one thing that would stop me was 'what if I get caught'

and 'will

> > I

> > > > become an even crazier person than I am now if I do kill

her?' I

> > > > didn't have the answers to either of those questions and the

> > future

> > > > was still a blank page to be written on. In the end, I

decided I

> > > > hated the woman enough that I was unwilling to serve jail

time

> > for

> > > > her. Obviously her X-fiance did not hate her enough since he

did

> > do

> > > > the ultimate act of killing himself- bought too much into her

> > reality

> > > > and her anger and I think did love her in his own warped

sicko

> > way.

> > > > But no, nada was not worth the jail time. That's what I'm

> > remembering

> > > > in my life today- why didn't I kill her and how in the world

did

> > I

> > > > not when I lived w/her and even now that I am rarely in her

life

> > I

> > > > still have days I just absolutely loath her presence on the

> > planet

> > > > (haven't had any fantasies whatsoever about killing her since

I

> > lived

> > > > w/her in high school- so fear not my friends. I'm just

expressing

> > my

> > > > anger and rage at the recent situation and recalling some

> > memories

> > > > from my younger age).

> > > > And that got me thinking of a speech Malcolm X gave. He was

> > talking

> > > > about his time in jail and the audience he was addressing

started

> > > > laughing b/c so many could relate to being in jail w/the

whole

> > civil

> > > > rights violations and abuses. And he said " Don't laugh. You

still

> > in

> > > > jail. " He was right and I think I know what he meant as he

became

> > a

> > > > very spiritual person in jail- taught himself how to read and

> > write

> > > > in jail and find true freedom- not an externality but

something

> > > > inside. And I thought, 'I too am still in jail. I still have

> > anger

> > > > towards her. I still open her cards. Listen to other stories

> > about

> > > > her from my aunt. Etc. I still let her get under my skin.'

And I

> > > > realized while I always fantasized about getting out of her

house

> > one

> > > > day, I have yet to fully break my bonds of living in her

mental

> > jail

> > > > of hell. I let her push my buttons. I let her continue in my

life

> > > > like she is actually someone worthy of opening letters over.

Like

> > she

> > > > were indeed my mother. She's not. Never has been. She gave

birth

> > to

> > > > me. Big woop.

> > > > I am also realizing its a bit like the end of the movie 'War

> > Games'

> > > > w/ a young Broderick and the freakazoid computer-

'the

> > only

> > > > way to win the game is to not play.'

> > > > I look at the pictures of my kids over the past two months

and

> > they

> > > > are by far some of the unhappiest pictures I've ever seen of

my

> > two

> > > > year old. he's known and sensed something's wrong w/me and

just

> > > > hasn't been himself b/c I haven't been myself.

> > > > And so I've decided- 'the only way to win is to not play the

> > game.'

> > > > Everytime a nada thought comes up, I kick the old lady to the

> > curb.

> > > > I'm not going to spend my life in jail like she always has. I

> > love my

> > > > kids more than she ever loved us. She loved her anger and

that's

> > it.

> > > > So I'm not sure how much more I will be on here. I want to

try

> > and

> > > > really plug into my family of today and deal w/the past in

> > piecemeal

> > > > as it comes up and set myself free. Make sense?

> > > >

> > > > Anyway, I just wanted to explain what's been on my plate

lately.

> > I

> > > > think of you guys often and will continue to pop in and lurk

a

> > lot,

> > > > but I've got two screaming babies right now and better run.

> > > >

> > > > Best wishes.

> > > > Kerrie

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > > __________________________________________________

> > >

[Guest guest]

Not to sound naive - but humor me - I'm new to all of this...

It's just helpful to know that I'm not the only one who doesn't

appreciate the sarcastic, cutting, laugh-at-the-guy-who's down sense

of humor I was raised with. I HATE it! I hate anything who pokes

fun at someone else or their misery.

Keep the " hallmark's coming " I've printed and posted some of them

around my computer!

~AC~

> > > >

> > > > > Okay, so I've been offline a bit lately trying to process

> > > everything

> > > > > and dealing w/some deep introspecition between the two

> suicides

> > > and

> > > > > then nada breaking yet another boundary (ooooh, big

surprise

> > > there,

> > > > > aye?- dripping w/sarcasm).

> > > > > So nada's live in fiance kills himself a week or so before

my

> > > second

> > > > > son's first b-day and one could chaulk up her $100 check

for

> my

> > > son's

> > > > > b-day and the $50 giftcertificate she sent for my b-day up

to

> > > > > dissociation that the bp goes through. But that is not the

> case

> > > as

> > > > > she'd have sent gifts which we told her not to do anymore

> since

> > > > > Christmas and told her if she understood our family values

> she'd

> > > know

> > > > > we don't need for anything but prayers. Apparently praying

> for us

> > > is

> > > > > too much to ask since she once again tried to send

material

> > > gifts,

> > > > > which dh saw that one coming a mile away after my last

> Christmas

> > > > > conversation w/nada- 'watch, now b/c you didn't specify

> checks or

> > > > > cash, she'll be sending that.' and he was right and I

> suspected

> > > that

> > > > > as well.

> > > > > And so this weekend is Mother's Day and I'm not sending

her a

> > > card.

> > > > > I've been on the fence about it and have prayed about it

and

> am

> > > not

> > > > > sending a card...first time ever. And I can just see her

> working

> > > it

> > > > > up to the unsuspecting outsider and extended family 'feel

> sorry

> > > for

> > > > > me. My fiance just killed himself and now my daughter

doesn't

> > > even

> > > > > send me a card on Mother's Day'. I might have had she been

> > > respectful

> > > > > of my wishes for my son's and my b-day. Now I see that

she's

> > > always

> > > > > the perpetual victim,which I knew anyway, but seeing it

more

> and

> > > more

> > > > > clearly the healthier I get. Never mind she totally pissed

me

> off

> > > by

> > > > > sending me the check and the giftcard- 'why who on earth

> could

> > > mad by

> > > > > a simple little gesture like that but someone w/some

serious

> > > anger

> > > > > problems.'- the little nada projection voice...sound

familiar

> > > anyone-

> > > > > feel free to buzz in if you know the correct answer on

this

> > > > > weeks " Jeopardy " . And truly it is jeopardy I put myself in

> when I

> > > > > fall for these crazed kinds of conversations I have going

on

> in

> > > my

> > > > > head that every KO probably battles too.

> > > > > I have been feeling and thinking about just how absolutely

> pissed

> > > off

> > > > > I am at her for sending those checks and giftcards when I

> asked

> > > her

> > > > > not to and how I just want to scratch her freaking

eyeballs

> out,

> > > rip

> > > > > off her head and piss down her throat- sorry if this is

TMI

> and a

> > > bit

> > > > > grotesque. Come on though- we grew up w/borderlines. Is

there

> > > such a

> > > > > thing for a KO as too much grotesqueness? Our how freaking

> > > childhoods

> > > > > were grotesque! I'm being honest w/how I feel about her

right

> > > here,

> > > > > right now. And I started thinking how absolutely much I

hate

> this

> > > > > woman. I don't want to, but I struggle with it and

struggle

> to

> > > > > overcome the hatred many days and especially lately.

> > > > > I also was thinking of a post I read on another Christian

non-

> bp

> > > > > support group and how one poster said that basically no

> matter

> > > who

> > > > > you are, when you live w/a bp, you come to points where

you

> are

> > > > > suicidal, homicidal and/or both. They evoke those emotions

in

> > > people

> > > > > and that's what they do best. Too bad its not marketable,

> huh?

> > > Bottle

> > > > > it up and sell it and make up for all their financial

> screwups in

> > > one

> > > > > fell swoop.

> > > > > In high school when I lived w/nada and was the all-bad

child,

> I

> > > > > totally wanted to kill her, fantasized about it greatly

and

> > > numerous

> > > > > times- the ways I would do it, how I could do it, how to

do

> it

> > > and

> > > > > not get caught, etc, etc. Also little wonder I had a

> fasination

> > > > > w/serial killer biographies (now that I've done some

> research,

> > > seems

> > > > > that more than a few of them had BP moms- is that truly a

> > > newsflash

> > > > > for anyone here? hardly- or at least I would hope not)-

use

> to

> > > scare

> > > > > me more than inspire me, but now I see why I wanted to

really

> get

> > > > > inside the criminal mind. I was raised by one and probably

> was

> > > one in

> > > > > many ways back then, but never stepped too far over into

the

> > > > > darkside. Even in my best laid plans of how to knock off

> nada,

> > > the

> > > > > one thing that would stop me was 'what if I get caught'

> and 'will

> > > I

> > > > > become an even crazier person than I am now if I do kill

> her?' I

> > > > > didn't have the answers to either of those questions and

the

> > > future

> > > > > was still a blank page to be written on. In the end, I

> decided I

> > > > > hated the woman enough that I was unwilling to serve jail

> time

> > > for

> > > > > her. Obviously her X-fiance did not hate her enough since

he

> did

> > > do

> > > > > the ultimate act of killing himself- bought too much into

her

> > > reality

> > > > > and her anger and I think did love her in his own warped

> sicko

> > > way.

> > > > > But no, nada was not worth the jail time. That's what I'm

> > > remembering

> > > > > in my life today- why didn't I kill her and how in the

world

> did

> > > I

> > > > > not when I lived w/her and even now that I am rarely in

her

> life

> > > I

> > > > > still have days I just absolutely loath her presence on

the

> > > planet

> > > > > (haven't had any fantasies whatsoever about killing her

since

> I

> > > lived

> > > > > w/her in high school- so fear not my friends. I'm just

> expressing

> > > my

> > > > > anger and rage at the recent situation and recalling some

> > > memories

> > > > > from my younger age).

> > > > > And that got me thinking of a speech Malcolm X gave. He

was

> > > talking

> > > > > about his time in jail and the audience he was addressing

> started

> > > > > laughing b/c so many could relate to being in jail w/the

> whole

> > > civil

> > > > > rights violations and abuses. And he said " Don't laugh.

You

> still

> > > in

> > > > > jail. " He was right and I think I know what he meant as he

> became

> > > a

> > > > > very spiritual person in jail- taught himself how to read

and

> > > write

> > > > > in jail and find true freedom- not an externality but

> something

> > > > > inside. And I thought, 'I too am still in jail. I still

have

> > > anger

> > > > > towards her. I still open her cards. Listen to other

stories

> > > about

> > > > > her from my aunt. Etc. I still let her get under my skin.'

> And I

> > > > > realized while I always fantasized about getting out of

her

> house

> > > one

> > > > > day, I have yet to fully break my bonds of living in her

> mental

> > > jail

> > > > > of hell. I let her push my buttons. I let her continue in

my

> life

> > > > > like she is actually someone worthy of opening letters

over.

> Like

> > > she

> > > > > were indeed my mother. She's not. Never has been. She gave

> birth

> > > to

> > > > > me. Big woop.

> > > > > I am also realizing its a bit like the end of the

movie 'War

> > > Games'

> > > > > w/ a young Broderick and the freakazoid computer-

> 'the

> > > only

> > > > > way to win the game is to not play.'

> > > > > I look at the pictures of my kids over the past two months

> and

> > > they

> > > > > are by far some of the unhappiest pictures I've ever seen

of

> my

> > > two

> > > > > year old. he's known and sensed something's wrong w/me and

> just

> > > > > hasn't been himself b/c I haven't been myself.

> > > > > And so I've decided- 'the only way to win is to not play

the

> > > game.'

> > > > > Everytime a nada thought comes up, I kick the old lady to

the

> > > curb.

> > > > > I'm not going to spend my life in jail like she always

has. I

> > > love my

> > > > > kids more than she ever loved us. She loved her anger and

> that's

> > > it.

> > > > > So I'm not sure how much more I will be on here. I want to

> try

> > > and

> > > > > really plug into my family of today and deal w/the past in

> > > piecemeal

> > > > > as it comes up and set myself free. Make sense?

> > > > >

> > > > > Anyway, I just wanted to explain what's been on my plate

> lately.

> > > I

> > > > > think of you guys often and will continue to pop in and

lurk

> a

> > > lot,

> > > > > but I've got two screaming babies right now and better run.

> > > > >

> > > > > Best wishes.

> > > > > Kerrie

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > __________________________________________________

> > > >