Need Help Setting boundaries with a Non BP Friend

[Guest guest]

Ok I have this friend who I only known about 6 months ago since I

have moved. We get along great as do our children and for the most

part I have been able to really set good boundaries… However she

continues to do something that makes me very uncomfortable and I

don't know how to tell her.

We live in a small town and small county where pretty much every

body is white. My husband and one other man are the only 2 men who

are " not white " on our street. So when we moved in one neighbor said

to me " well that guy over there is a Mexican maybe he and your

husband can be friends " I was very offended first because I don't

tell her husband to befriend a man because of the fact that he is

white and secondly she didn't even take the time to find out my

husband is a European citizen with Asian blood he is not even

Mexican. I haven't spoken to her since. So that is an example of how

the town is.

Ok so this is how my friend is. It just so happens that the Mexican

family on our street has a lot of money, more than anybody else.

They drive the best cars have the biggest house and the most toys

and they always have a ton of people over but don't really get to

know any of the neighbors. I could care less. I have lots of friends

on the street and if somebody doesn't want to talk I won't make

them, my friend on the other hand seems very bothered by this. She

talks about them all the time! And loud I am sure they can hear and

it makes me uncomfortable because I don't want any of the neighbors

to think I am a gossip because I don't like to talk about others

like that. She talks about their money how its all just an

inheritance she talks about the fact that they are Mexican and that

it doesn't bother her, But they way she says it seems like it does.

She talks about how they have people over all the time and says

thing like they must have 4 families living there. I am so

embarrassed!

So here is what I have tried… I have tried changing the subject, I

have tried walking away and I have tried shushing her. She doesn't

seem to get it. I think I have to flat out tell her but I don't

know how and I am scared. Any tips? I know this isn't a BP question

but it will really help me while I still am practicing my boundaries

and learning how to handle something like this. I really appreciate

the help. Thanks Lizzy

[Guest guest]

Hi Lizzy!!

Well...i'm probably going to give you the WORST advice, because i am so

horrible at confrontation....if i were you i would probably just avoid her

at all costs and stop being friends with her...which is the worst thing

possible...you can't live your life with your head buried in the sand. I

would say maybe get her a card or something...when my best girlfriend and i

would have issues we would send each other letters...that way we could say

what we felt and didn't have to worry about telling each other face to face.

Anyway...you are so good with words and conveying your thoughts, I think

you would do really well with maybe a card (and maybe a little trinket like

a little angel pin or something)...start off by telling her how much you

enjoy her company and value her friendship...then get to the subject of her

talking about others...maybe approach it in a way of " can you please do me

a favor and help me with this..... " and tie it up with " .....i really

appreciate you helping me with this...normally, I wouldn't feel comfortable

with someone enough to ask this of them...but our friendship is strong

enough, I know i can trust you to not be offended and help me deal with this

(This come from my approach in dealing with teenage daughters. I always

approach it in the mannerism that you I am doing something FOR them...not

doing something TO them)...make sure you end the card telling her how much

you enjoy being her friend and how much you value her being in your life.

Lastly...when you give it to her...you are going to have to give an oscar

deserving performance....don't give it to her like you are ashamed or

embarassed...let it be a bouncy, light-hearted thing...the tone in which it

is delivered will set the stage.

As far as some of the Mexican comments....I totally understand your offense.

..but try not to worry about too much...i don't think they were made to

offend you. Those comments come from ignorance I am sure....they probably

just don't know any better. (At least I'd like to think that is the case)

Kisses and Nibbles,

Bunny

-- Need Help Setting boundaries with a Non BP

Friend

Ok I have this friend who I only known about 6 months ago since I

have moved. We get along great as do our children and for the most

part I have been able to really set good boundaries… However she

continues to do something that makes me very uncomfortable and I

don't know how to tell her.

We live in a small town and small county where pretty much every

body is white. My husband and one other man are the only 2 men who

are " not white " on our street. So when we moved in one neighbor said

to me " well that guy over there is a Mexican maybe he and your

husband can be friends " I was very offended first because I don't

tell her husband to befriend a man because of the fact that he is

white and secondly she didn't even take the time to find out my

husband is a European citizen with Asian blood he is not even

Mexican. I haven't spoken to her since. So that is an example of how

the town is.

Ok so this is how my friend is. It just so happens that the Mexican

family on our street has a lot of money, more than anybody else.

They drive the best cars have the biggest house and the most toys

and they always have a ton of people over but don't really get to

know any of the neighbors. I could care less. I have lots of friends

on the street and if somebody doesn't want to talk I won't make

them, my friend on the other hand seems very bothered by this. She

talks about them all the time! And loud I am sure they can hear and

it makes me uncomfortable because I don't want any of the neighbors

to think I am a gossip because I don't like to talk about others

like that. She talks about their money how its all just an

inheritance she talks about the fact that they are Mexican and that

it doesn't bother her, But they way she says it seems like it does.

She talks about how they have people over all the time and says

thing like they must have 4 families living there. I am so

embarrassed!

So here is what I have tried… I have tried changing the subject, I

have tried walking away and I have tried shushing her. She doesn't

seem to get it. I think I have to flat out tell her but I don't

know how and I am scared. Any tips? I know this isn't a BP question

but it will really help me while I still am practicing my boundaries

and learning how to handle something like this. I really appreciate

the help. Thanks Lizzy

[Guest guest]

Hi Lizzy,

These kinds of situations are good learning experiences for us KOs

in figuring out how to set appropriate boundaries. I'm certainly

still learning how to do this myself, and it's always hard to try

things outside of our comfort zone. I find it hard to initiate a

direct conflict, so I try to find other, less confrontational ways

to come to a resolution. Two things came to mind when I read your

post.

First, if she keeps bringing up the topic of that Mexican family,

maybe you could ask her why she's so concerned about them? You don't

have to be confrontational about it, but you could frame it more of

a concern that she seems so interested in what they're doing. I

don't know what kind of friendship you have with her, but this could

open up a conversation with her about it, and that could resolve the

issue all on its own. During the discussion you could trade

perspectives, and it might even deepen your relationship. Or, maybe

the conversation will reveal that she has prejudices, and at that

point you can decide if you want to continue the friendship, or how

to handle it at that point.

The second idea is, maybe you can find a way to work a casual

conversation in about your husband's background, and how it bothers

you when other people make snap judgements based on ethnicity or

culture. If she's paying attention, she should get the hint.

If you try to talk to her about it and she ignores you, then you get

to decide how to handle it at that point. What I'm learning about

most relationships is that they're very rarely black and white, and

they're always changing. Some friendships get deeper, and some fade

away. You get to decide which ones you want to invest in.

Good Luck!

>

> Ok I have this friend who I only known about 6 months ago since I

> have moved. We get along great as do our children and for the most

> part I have been able to really set good boundaries… However she

> continues to do something that makes me very uncomfortable and I

> don't know how to tell her.

>

> We live in a small town and small county where pretty much every

> body is white. My husband and one other man are the only 2 men who

> are " not white " on our street. So when we moved in one neighbor

said

> to me " well that guy over there is a Mexican maybe he and your

> husband can be friends " I was very offended first because I don't

> tell her husband to befriend a man because of the fact that he is

> white and secondly she didn't even take the time to find out my

> husband is a European citizen with Asian blood he is not even

> Mexican. I haven't spoken to her since. So that is an example of

how

> the town is.

>

> Ok so this is how my friend is. It just so happens that the

Mexican

> family on our street has a lot of money, more than anybody else.

> They drive the best cars have the biggest house and the most toys

> and they always have a ton of people over but don't really get to

> know any of the neighbors. I could care less. I have lots of

friends

> on the street and if somebody doesn't want to talk I won't make

> them, my friend on the other hand seems very bothered by this. She

> talks about them all the time! And loud I am sure they can hear

and

> it makes me uncomfortable because I don't want any of the

neighbors

> to think I am a gossip because I don't like to talk about others

> like that. She talks about their money how its all just an

> inheritance she talks about the fact that they are Mexican and

that

> it doesn't bother her, But they way she says it seems like it

does.

> She talks about how they have people over all the time and says

> thing like they must have 4 families living there. I am so

> embarrassed!

>

> So here is what I have tried… I have tried changing the subject, I

> have tried walking away and I have tried shushing her. She doesn't

> seem to get it. I think I have to flat out tell her but I don't

> know how and I am scared. Any tips? I know this isn't a BP

question

> but it will really help me while I still am practicing my

boundaries

> and learning how to handle something like this. I really

appreciate

> the help. Thanks Lizzy

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Bunny, I think that card sounds like a great idea. I really

just felt like I was at a block in the road and wasn't sure what to

do. But I really like your approach with the whole idea of

saying " can you help me… I would normally not be comfortable…. I

value the friendship. " Those are all great ideas and it's truly how

I feel. I will be able to give it to her with a light heart because

it's the only block in the relationship and it's not a huge one but

I want to get it under control before it becomes huge.

I know the Mexican comments we just made out of ignorance because

this is such a white county. It was mostly annoying, I have had more

hurtful things said to me since we are a mixed family this wasn't

one of those I just thought what a fool. And people like that are

not the kinds I wish to spend the majority of my time with, along

with gossips ;-) lol Well thanks again for the help. Also I enjoy

your honesty. Love, Lizzy

>

> Hi Lizzy!!

>

> Well...i'm probably going to give you the WORST advice, because i

am so

> horrible at confrontation....if i were you i would probably just

avoid her

> at all costs and stop being friends with her...which is the worst

thing

> possible...you can't live your life with your head buried in the

sand. I

> would say maybe get her a card or something...when my best

girlfriend and i

> would have issues we would send each other letters...that way we

could say

> what we felt and didn't have to worry about telling each other

face to face.

> Anyway...you are so good with words and conveying your thoughts,

I think

> you would do really well with maybe a card (and maybe a little

trinket like

> a little angel pin or something)...start off by telling her how

much you

> enjoy her company and value her friendship...then get to the

subject of her

> talking about others...maybe approach it in a way of " can you

please do me

> a favor and help me with this..... " and tie it up with " .....i

really

> appreciate you helping me with this...normally, I wouldn't feel

comfortable

> with someone enough to ask this of them...but our friendship is

strong

> enough, I know i can trust you to not be offended and help me deal

with this

> (This come from my approach in dealing with teenage daughters. I

always

> approach it in the mannerism that you I am doing something FOR

them...not

> doing something TO them)...make sure you end the card telling her

how much

> you enjoy being her friend and how much you value her being in

your life.

> Lastly...when you give it to her...you are going to have to give

an oscar

> deserving performance....don't give it to her like you are ashamed

or

> embarassed...let it be a bouncy, light-hearted thing...the tone in

which it

> is delivered will set the stage.

>

> As far as some of the Mexican comments....I totally understand

your offense.

> .but try not to worry about too much...i don't think they were

made to

> offend you. Those comments come from ignorance I am sure....they

probably

> just don't know any better. (At least I'd like to think that is

the case)

>

>

> Kisses and Nibbles,

> Bunny

>

>

> -- Need Help Setting boundaries with a

Non BP

> Friend

>

> Ok I have this friend who I only known about 6 months ago since I

> have moved. We get along great as do our children and for the most

> part I have been able to really set good boundaries… However she

> continues to do something that makes me very uncomfortable and I

> don't know how to tell her.

>

> We live in a small town and small county where pretty much every

> body is white. My husband and one other man are the only 2 men who

> are " not white " on our street. So when we moved in one neighbor

said

> to me " well that guy over there is a Mexican maybe he and your

> husband can be friends " I was very offended first because I don't

> tell her husband to befriend a man because of the fact that he is

> white and secondly she didn't even take the time to find out my

> husband is a European citizen with Asian blood he is not even

> Mexican. I haven't spoken to her since. So that is an example of

how

> the town is.

>

> Ok so this is how my friend is. It just so happens that the

Mexican

> family on our street has a lot of money, more than anybody else.

> They drive the best cars have the biggest house and the most toys

> and they always have a ton of people over but don't really get to

> know any of the neighbors. I could care less. I have lots of

friends

> on the street and if somebody doesn't want to talk I won't make

> them, my friend on the other hand seems very bothered by this. She

> talks about them all the time! And loud I am sure they can hear

and

> it makes me uncomfortable because I don't want any of the

neighbors

> to think I am a gossip because I don't like to talk about others

> like that. She talks about their money how its all just an

> inheritance she talks about the fact that they are Mexican and

that

> it doesn't bother her, But they way she says it seems like it

does.

> She talks about how they have people over all the time and says

> thing like they must have 4 families living there. I am so

> embarrassed!

>

> So here is what I have tried… I have tried changing the subject, I

> have tried walking away and I have tried shushing her. She doesn't

> seem to get it. I think I have to flat out tell her but I don't

> know how and I am scared. Any tips? I know this isn't a BP

question

> but it will really help me while I still am practicing my

boundaries

> and learning how to handle something like this. I really

appreciate

> the help. Thanks Lizzy

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Sherby, Sorry if I sent this twice. Thanks for writing back,

those are very valid points in fact things I myself was wondering. I

specifically was wondering what is her beef with the fact that they

are " Mexican " ? And if she does have a problem with them or another

race then maybe it's not worth pursuing a deeper relationship with

her. I like to walk with her about every day and drink a coffee with

her about every day and we both have 2 boys that are the same ages

and are now best friends since we moved. But I still have that radar

up I can't completely let my guard down for some reason I think it

is some off the cuff comments she has made that remind me of nada.

Also my mom is racist but pretends to be accepting. Maybe I am

picking up on that. Well anyway I don't want to ever start a fight

with her because we are neighbors and for the sake of the kids and

my sanity so I think I will do the card thing like Bunny suggested

and also dig deeper to see if I can pick up on any comments she is

making about race. My husband to told me to be careful to.

I would like to ask her " why do you care so much about what they

do? " I did say some thing similar once when she was going on about

the pool ATV and swing set and I said " why do you care what they

have? " Her reply was " well they never use it, if I had it I would

use it " I said " I guess I don't care, it's their money " . That was

the end of that conversation. But I am pretty sure it's more than

that. I just can't imagine being friends with somebody who spends

every day in envy and gossip It doesn't seem like a fun life. I can

maintain the minimum amount of relationship if necessary, that is if

she won't stop but first I am going to see if she will stop. I think

this could be a good test of character. Thanks for taking time to

help me. Love, Lizzy

> >

> > Ok I have this friend who I only known about 6 months ago since

I

> > have moved. We get along great as do our children and for the

most

> > part I have been able to really set good boundaries… However she

> > continues to do something that makes me very uncomfortable and I

> > don't know how to tell her.

> >

> > We live in a small town and small county where pretty much every

> > body is white. My husband and one other man are the only 2 men

who

> > are " not white " on our street. So when we moved in one neighbor

> said

> > to me " well that guy over there is a Mexican maybe he and your

> > husband can be friends " I was very offended first because I

don't

> > tell her husband to befriend a man because of the fact that he

is

> > white and secondly she didn't even take the time to find out my

> > husband is a European citizen with Asian blood he is not even

> > Mexican. I haven't spoken to her since. So that is an example of

> how

> > the town is.

> >

> > Ok so this is how my friend is. It just so happens that the

> Mexican

> > family on our street has a lot of money, more than anybody else.

> > They drive the best cars have the biggest house and the most

toys

> > and they always have a ton of people over but don't really get

to

> > know any of the neighbors. I could care less. I have lots of

> friends

> > on the street and if somebody doesn't want to talk I won't make

> > them, my friend on the other hand seems very bothered by this.

She

> > talks about them all the time! And loud I am sure they can hear

> and

> > it makes me uncomfortable because I don't want any of the

> neighbors

> > to think I am a gossip because I don't like to talk about others

> > like that. She talks about their money how its all just an

> > inheritance she talks about the fact that they are Mexican and

> that

> > it doesn't bother her, But they way she says it seems like it

> does.

> > She talks about how they have people over all the time and says

> > thing like they must have 4 families living there. I am so

> > embarrassed!

> >

> > So here is what I have tried… I have tried changing the subject,

I

> > have tried walking away and I have tried shushing her. She

doesn't

> > seem to get it. I think I have to flat out tell her but I don't

> > know how and I am scared. Any tips? I know this isn't a BP

> question

> > but it will really help me while I still am practicing my

> boundaries

> > and learning how to handle something like this. I really

> appreciate

> > the help. Thanks Lizzy

> >

>