Interaction with Nada leaves me hopeless.

July 5, 2006

It's becoming increasingly difficult to stay connected to the good

things in my life. The interaction with Nada, though limited, leaves

me with a death wish...for me or her. I'd prefer if she checked out.

The escape fantasy is a persistent theme for me over the years.

I've been making progress with Walking on Eggshells. Last night I

read the part about how my development as an individual was probably

inhibited by having a BPD mom. I saw my childhood in every line.

I'm 42 and I feel like my life is over before I've had a chance to

even grow up. My dysfunction has had negative consequences in my

career and a divorce. I've had to rely on my parents for support

during the transition. I work hard, but I don't have the success I

need to be independant of them. I have a special needs child that

they send to a special school and he gets therapy...stuff like that.

I just want to be free.

Even if they didn't give me a penny, her calls would still leave me

like a deer in headlights. Like today. My parent's are leaving for

Germany so my Dad can be considered for a special cancer surgery.

It's his last hope. I was supposed to see him on the fourth, but she

began the morning with a series of phone calls insulting me so I

didn't take my son over to their house.

I left my dad two phone messages, nice ones, and an email. No reply.

Phone calls continued today. " ...I know you don't have the guts to

pick up the phone... " says my kind Nada.

Why do her words, the words of someone I know is unwell, cut my soul

into pieces. Why do I care so much?

I want to go far away. Today, I will do my best to take care of

myself and my son. I will not hurt myself or anyone else in the

process. Please tell me that this will get better.

Recommended Posts