Re: Using self-help books with BPD parents-Marjorie

[Guest guest]

Thanks Marjorie for the eloquent way that you described how it feels to

finally realize that our BP parent wants only superficial contact with us. My

nada uses me to satisfy her need for crisis, all about her.

Only when some other family member is the center of attention (sicker than

she is) does nada contact me at all; on the pretense of 'helping me get over

my mental illness', lol. Years go by, then out of the blue she calls or comes

by so she can tell the rest of the FOO how badly I treated her.

I too am vigilant about maintaining my boundaries; never caught alone with

her at family funerals, just about the only time I run into her; keep my

doors locked when I am home alone ... even after all these years she is so

unpredictable that I fear her barging into my life/home. Hugs, Carol

In a message dated 7/6/2006 1:02:52 AM Eastern Daylight Time,

ahimsa@... writes:

Charlie wrote:

> Instead I have invented my own technique. I know what triggers

> her, and I just don't do it.

Yep, step one is avoid triggers. Of course, at times they are

random but I can avoid the obvious ones.

> When she tries to violate my boundaries, I

> ignore it--instead I just leave the house, saying I have work

> to do. I defend myself from her with ACTIONS, not words.

Same here! I don't explain why I'm hanging up, I just hang up. In

the rare cases when we see each other (about once every 1-2 years)

I don't try to explain why I'm leaving, or why we can't drive in

the same car, etc. I just keep to my set of rules/boundaries.

> This means we talk about almost nothing, and barely communicate.

> But it works for me.

The same approach works for me. It works so well that my mother

rarely even tries to test my boundaries any more. On the phone if

she ever starts to veer in the " wrong " direction then I change the

subject. If that doesn't work, I hang up. So, 99% of the time she

doesn't try any more.

> I don't want to make a judgment call on the techniques in the

> books; perhaps they work for some, especially for chosen

> relationships.

I think that must be it. Or perhaps some people with BPD might

have some other motivation to maintain the relationship and

so they would work harder at communication. But in my own case

it appears that my mother is satisfied with superficial contact

only, nothing more.

> But I do want to say that, if any of you out there have a gut

> instinct that it won't work for *your* nada, I would trust it!

Thanks for the reinforcement! I did finally accept that it wasn't

going to work for me no matter what I tried. Sometimes, no matter

how well you say it (or write it), the BPD parent just can't hear

anything you say.

At least I do have the satisfaction that I know how hard I tried

to forge some kind of connection with her, to get past the " mask "

to something real. Otherwise I might wonder, " If only I had tried

at little harder.... " Instead I'm thinking, " I should have given

up a little sooner! "

Hugs,

Marjorie