Having Kids

[Guest guest]

Hi all, I know we are not supposed to post a lot of stuff like this to the

list, but this was so funny and applies to most of us, so I thought I'd

send you all a good laugh. It took some stress off my shoulders to read it

and have a good laugh. Enjoy!

Subject: Thinking of having kids??

Thought this was worth a chuckle for any one who has, wants or spends

any degree of time with children.

Thinking of having kids?

LESSON 1

Go to the supermarket.

Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.

Go home.

Pick up the paper.

Read it for the last time.

LESSON 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who

already are parents and berate them about their...

1. Methods of discipline.

2. Lack of patience.

3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.

4. Allowing their children to run wild.

Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping

habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it.

It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the

answers.

LESSON 3

To discover how the nights will feel...

1. Walk around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet

bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to

static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.

2. At 10PM, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to

sleep.

3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the

bag until 1AM.

4. Set the alarm for 3 AM.

5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink.

6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.

7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs in the dark until 4AM.

9. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.

Look cheerful.

LESSON 4

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.

2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there

all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.

4. Then rub them on the clean walls.

5. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

LESSON 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1 Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms

hang out.

Time allowed for this--all morning.

LESSON 6

1. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint,

turn it into an alligator.

2. Now take the tube from a roll of toilet paper. Using only Scotch

tape and a piece of foil, turn it into an attractive Christmas candle.

3. Last take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty packet of

Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

LESSON 7

Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. And don't think that you

can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars

don't look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove

compartment.

Leave it there.

2. Get a dime. Stick it in the cassette player.

3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into

the back seat.

4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

There. Perfect.

LESSON 8

Get ready to go out.

1. Wait outside the bathroom for half an hour.

2. Go out the front door.

3. Come in again.

4. Go out.

5. Come back in.

6. Go out again.

7. Walk down the front path.

8. Walk back up it.

9. Walk down it again.

10. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.

11. Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every

cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead

insect along the way.

12. Retrace your steps.

13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the

neighbors come out and stare at you.

14. Give up and go back into the house.

You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

LESSON 9

Repeat everything at least, if not more than, five times.

LESSON 10

Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the closest thing you

can find to a preschool child. (A full-grown goat is excellent.) If

you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.

Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your

sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having

children.

LESSON 11

1. Hollow out a melon.

2. Make a small hole in the side.

3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.

4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them

into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.

5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.

6. Tip half into your lap. The other half just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old baby.

LESSON 12

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street, Barney,

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and Disney (and the Teletubbies!).

Watch nothing else on T.V. for at least five years.

LESSON 13

Move to the tropics. Find or make a compost pile. Dig down about

halfway in and stick your nose in it. Do this 3-5 times a day for

two years.

LESSON 14

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying " mommy " repeatedly.

(Important: No more than a four second delay between each " mommy " ;

occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required.)

Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years.

You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

LESSON 15

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else

continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt sleeve, or elbow while

playing the " mommy " tape made from Lesson FOURTEEN above.

You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is

a child in the room.

S. Hartshorne

.Hartshorne@...

918 S. Brown St. Mount Pleasant, MI 48858

[Guest guest]

,

Where did you get that. My friend just sent that to me today. The very

same one. How funny.

Korey mom to Kayla

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