my vacationis over with out a hitch.........right!!!

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone,

I just got back from my vacation with my nada and family. I tried the

exercise my doctor gave me and it was really hard but it seemed to

help everything. The visit seemed to go well my nada was so happy to

see her grandchild that she did not explode on me (plus she was too

busy raging over other things and at other people). The close she got

was asking me way i named my child his name and then accusing me of

hating it and letting my husband talk me into something. Other than

that it seemed to go good. She did rage at other people which affected

my child a few times while he was sleeping which sent her into a

guilty bad place but nothing was sent at me as usual. After I left i

thought wow that went well there was no hitch. And then it happened

she called to see how the second part of my vacation went and i told

her. The conversation seemed to be going fine until she asked when i

was going home. when i told her the guilt started. I planned my

vacation so my son could spen the same amount of time with both sets

of grandparents and then a few days with an aunt and uncle who just

had a baby(this way i could help them out). I spent more time

altogether with my husbands family because of the new baby and my nada

could not understand. She got mad and told me it's not about being

fair and next time i should not bother to even visit her and what is

the point if i want to spend more time with them and not with her. So

basicly it was about fair but the fair in her eyes. she is more

important then anyone else. I told her the reason i was visiting

longer and that just made the situation worse. I also told her that i

wanted to and if she did not believe me there was nothing more i could

say or do. So did not yelled she just used that guilt trip tone(i am

sure you all know)and then siad she had to go an hung up.

I guess i am feeling so bad right no because I have nothing to feel

guilty about, there was no reason for her to get mad and tell me never

to visit again. I think the worst part is that my husbands parents

were the ones to comfort me and probably heard parts of the

conversation. I tried to clear my thoughts and tears away but when i

went back into the room they asked what was wrong. I tried to blow it

off and they asked again and i could not hold it in i started crying

and told them everything. They were so understanding and helpful.

I'm just in a bad place right now because i don't know if i ever want

to talk to my nada again. She thinks my husband and his family are bad

people and they are probably the kindest, most loving, caring and

giving people i know. They would do anything for me even though i am

fairly new to the famiy. So i guess i am hurting because i can't get

that kind of affection from my own family. I just don't know what to

do or how to feel. I'm feeling hurt, mad, upset, guilty, frustrated,

and embaressed. I'm in a rut and don't know how to get out. I have to

see my nada again in a few days and i am not sure how to handle it i

am afraid i will say something i regret if the subject comes up.

Please can anyone help me get out of my rut?

thanks for listening,

Bobbie

[Guest guest]

I have also found that you don't really need to discuss Nada with other

family members. I find saying things like " she couldn't make it. " and just

smiling mildy help. If need be repeat phrase louder and more forcefully. I

did this when Nada didn't come to my bridal shower for my husband's side of

the family and it worked well. Or if other people might ask about

particular behaviors or reponses. I just keep it simple " she has issues " .

Everyone gets the idea.

-Ata

>

> Hi Bobbie, that all sounds very much like my experience--especially

> the part about DH's family being so loving and " normal " and having

> that contrast with your own family. I know the feeling.

>

> As for your discussion with your nada when you tried to explain the

> why what you were doing was actually fair: I'm not sure that there is

> really any way to reason with a nada on that kind of subject. To my

> nada, fair is what she wants always. The more I explain, the worse it

> gets. I have begun to answer her in a rather quick and dry tone

> recently --one that ends the conversation on these matters. For

> example, when I told her we'd be spending Christmans with DH's family,

> she started in with her pre-raging voice saying, " But why? " I just

> said in a surprizingly firm and kind of loud voice, " Because we want

> to! " Maybe she thought I was being unfair, but at least the

> conversation didn't go on and she didn't think she could reason with

> me. I HATE that.

>

> Also, when nada's being unreasonable on something like that, even

> after I give me quick answer, if I am on the phone, I just end the

> call. She is being unreasonable and childish and you don't have to

> try to explain yourself to someone like that. AND, don't forget that

> you don't need her approval and that her blame and anger are

> absolutely not about you, but about her and her own problems.

>

> Trish

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Bobbie,

I'm still trying to catch up on posts since *my* " vacation " ... and I

just wanted to tell you that even though I am still single, I

COMPLETELY understand the " equal time " dance. It is so ridiculous when

you look at it from a distance (counting days, I mean, come on) - but

when you're caught up in it, it is very real, and it is the worst.

I can't say I have any specific advice, but I can tell you this: I was

engaged a few years ago. It didn't work out, but that's not the point.

The point is, I told my parents it was getting serious and they

refused to invite us over. His family, of course, welcomed me with

open arms. So of course, what happened was, when we got engaged, his

family had met me, but my family had not met him. By their own fault

of course, but still - there was hell to pay, as you may well imagine.

Also, I have sat and listened with weary ears as my nada (and

sometimes fada) recounts over and over and over again how my brothers

spend more time with their wives' families than with them. Um, DUH.

The fact that these in-laws are about a billion times more pleasant to

be around than my parents, doesn't seem to enter into the equation in

their heads.

So I guess my only advice is, Listen to your heart. Surround yourself

with people who make you happy to be you. And just hang in there.

Love,

Holly

>

> Hi everyone,

> I just got back from my vacation with my nada and family. I tried the

> exercise my doctor gave me and it was really hard but it seemed to

> help everything. The visit seemed to go well my nada was so happy to

> see her grandchild that she did not explode on me (plus she was too

> busy raging over other things and at other people). The close she got

> was asking me way i named my child his name and then accusing me of

> hating it and letting my husband talk me into something. Other than

> that it seemed to go good. She did rage at other people which affected

> my child a few times while he was sleeping which sent her into a

> guilty bad place but nothing was sent at me as usual. After I left i

> thought wow that went well there was no hitch. And then it happened

> she called to see how the second part of my vacation went and i told

> her. The conversation seemed to be going fine until she asked when i

> was going home. when i told her the guilt started. I planned my

> vacation so my son could spen the same amount of time with both sets

> of grandparents and then a few days with an aunt and uncle who just

> had a baby(this way i could help them out). I spent more time

> altogether with my husbands family because of the new baby and my nada

> could not understand. She got mad and told me it's not about being

> fair and next time i should not bother to even visit her and what is

> the point if i want to spend more time with them and not with her. So

> basicly it was about fair but the fair in her eyes. she is more

> important then anyone else. I told her the reason i was visiting

> longer and that just made the situation worse. I also told her that i

> wanted to and if she did not believe me there was nothing more i could

> say or do. So did not yelled she just used that guilt trip tone(i am

> sure you all know)and then siad she had to go an hung up.

>

> I guess i am feeling so bad right no because I have nothing to feel

> guilty about, there was no reason for her to get mad and tell me never

> to visit again. I think the worst part is that my husbands parents

> were the ones to comfort me and probably heard parts of the

> conversation. I tried to clear my thoughts and tears away but when i

> went back into the room they asked what was wrong. I tried to blow it

> off and they asked again and i could not hold it in i started crying

> and told them everything. They were so understanding and helpful.

>

> I'm just in a bad place right now because i don't know if i ever want

> to talk to my nada again. She thinks my husband and his family are bad

> people and they are probably the kindest, most loving, caring and

> giving people i know. They would do anything for me even though i am

> fairly new to the famiy. So i guess i am hurting because i can't get

> that kind of affection from my own family. I just don't know what to

> do or how to feel. I'm feeling hurt, mad, upset, guilty, frustrated,

> and embaressed. I'm in a rut and don't know how to get out. I have to

> see my nada again in a few days and i am not sure how to handle it i

> am afraid i will say something i regret if the subject comes up.

> Please can anyone help me get out of my rut?

>

> thanks for listening,

> Bobbie

>

[Guest guest]

I get this too. After I got engaged to my husband I figured at some point

the his parents and Nada would want to meet. Nadas car was really old then

and not good for longer trips so I suggested that we have us all go to

Nada's house. Nada said no. She didn't want them in her house. She

thought they would be judging her and besides that meant she would only have

a couple of weeks to clean. And the next month or so wasn't good either

because it was still early enough in spring that sometimes there was snow.

When explaining this to everyone I left out the part about her not wanting

them in her house and just mentioned her concerns about the weather.

Now of course Nada gets bitter about us seeing his parents more. Of course

they come to visit a lot more. Nada says that of course they are younger

and have a better car. Not true. His father is the same age as Nada and I

think the car is the same year. Nadas might be a bit nicer since she just

got hers actually. While my husband's mother is about two years younger

than Nada she isn't the one that drives so I don't think that argument makes

any sense.

Nada is a crone. I suppose it works with Hermit, but I think it fits her.

She has always made herself out to be older than she really is. She is only

58 but she talks of herself as if she is an old woman and she has done that

for years. Of course she is starting to get a bit of a hunchback from her

osteoporosis that she is in staunch denial about. I think she went from

being in her thirties to her sixties over night or something in her mind.

So to Nada the in laws are these younger, rich people with all this liesure

time (they are retired public teachers- not exactly rich, but rich to

Nada. Nada has always had comparable time). And while they can get on my

nerves from time to time (especially before the wedding, everyone got on my

nerves!) they are usually a lot more pleasant than Nada is. Nada says: Of

course I will be glad to help you out. Translation: First you have to

figure out exactly how I will help you out and then make it easy for me and

I will decide. If I do actually drive to you and help you out, boy will you

regret it for the rest of your life. In laws: Of course we will help you

out. Translation: They drive to us and help us out and are glad to do it.

Gee I wonder why we don't spend more time with Nada.... Though, as my

husband points out, because of various things, including FOG, we spend far

more nights at her house than at my inlaws!

-Ata

>

> Bobbie,

>

> I'm still trying to catch up on posts since *my* " vacation " ... and I

> just wanted to tell you that even though I am still single, I

> COMPLETELY understand the " equal time " dance. It is so ridiculous when

> you look at it from a distance (counting days, I mean, come on) - but

> when you're caught up in it, it is very real, and it is the worst.

>

> I can't say I have any specific advice, but I can tell you this: I was

> engaged a few years ago. It didn't work out, but that's not the point.

> The point is, I told my parents it was getting serious and they

> refused to invite us over. His family, of course, welcomed me with

> open arms. So of course, what happened was, when we got engaged, his

> family had met me, but my family had not met him. By their own fault

> of course, but still - there was hell to pay, as you may well imagine.

>

> Also, I have sat and listened with weary ears as my nada (and

> sometimes fada) recounts over and over and over again how my brothers

> spend more time with their wives' families than with them. Um, DUH.

> The fact that these in-laws are about a billion times more pleasant to

> be around than my parents, doesn't seem to enter into the equation in

> their heads.

>

> So I guess my only advice is, Listen to your heart. Surround yourself

> with people who make you happy to be you. And just hang in there.

>

> Love,

> Holly

>

>

> >

> > Hi everyone,

> > I just got back from my vacation with my nada and family. I tried the

> > exercise my doctor gave me and it was really hard but it seemed to

> > help everything. The visit seemed to go well my nada was so happy to

> > see her grandchild that she did not explode on me (plus she was too

> > busy raging over other things and at other people). The close she got

> > was asking me way i named my child his name and then accusing me of

> > hating it and letting my husband talk me into something. Other than

> > that it seemed to go good. She did rage at other people which affected

> > my child a few times while he was sleeping which sent her into a

> > guilty bad place but nothing was sent at me as usual. After I left i

> > thought wow that went well there was no hitch. And then it happened

> > she called to see how the second part of my vacation went and i told

> > her. The conversation seemed to be going fine until she asked when i

> > was going home. when i told her the guilt started. I planned my

> > vacation so my son could spen the same amount of time with both sets

> > of grandparents and then a few days with an aunt and uncle who just

> > had a baby(this way i could help them out). I spent more time

> > altogether with my husbands family because of the new baby and my nada

> > could not understand. She got mad and told me it's not about being

> > fair and next time i should not bother to even visit her and what is

> > the point if i want to spend more time with them and not with her. So

> > basicly it was about fair but the fair in her eyes. she is more

> > important then anyone else. I told her the reason i was visiting

> > longer and that just made the situation worse. I also told her that i

> > wanted to and if she did not believe me there was nothing more i could

> > say or do. So did not yelled she just used that guilt trip tone(i am

> > sure you all know)and then siad she had to go an hung up.

> >

> > I guess i am feeling so bad right no because I have nothing to feel

> > guilty about, there was no reason for her to get mad and tell me never

> > to visit again. I think the worst part is that my husbands parents

> > were the ones to comfort me and probably heard parts of the

> > conversation. I tried to clear my thoughts and tears away but when i

> > went back into the room they asked what was wrong. I tried to blow it

> > off and they asked again and i could not hold it in i started crying

> > and told them everything. They were so understanding and helpful.

> >

> > I'm just in a bad place right now because i don't know if i ever want

> > to talk to my nada again. She thinks my husband and his family are bad

> > people and they are probably the kindest, most loving, caring and

> > giving people i know. They would do anything for me even though i am

> > fairly new to the famiy. So i guess i am hurting because i can't get

> > that kind of affection from my own family. I just don't know what to

> > do or how to feel. I'm feeling hurt, mad, upset, guilty, frustrated,

> > and embaressed. I'm in a rut and don't know how to get out. I have to

> > see my nada again in a few days and i am not sure how to handle it i

> > am afraid i will say something i regret if the subject comes up.

> > Please can anyone help me get out of my rut?

> >

> > thanks for listening,

> > Bobbie

> >

>

>

>