Re: Sweet 16s and special celebrations---thoughts...

January 17, 2006

Oh Sofia!

No I didn't have a sweet 16 like that but it sounds absolutely

horrible (escaping to that boarding school helped me avoid many such

things, for which I'm so thankful).

BUT this is exactly why I did NOT have a wedding and instead eloped in

traffic court. I was still in my early 20s when I married, and I

know--KNOW--that nada would have taken over the wedding (or attempted

to) and made what should have been a dream into a nauseating,

disappointing, sad nightmare. If I had let her have control, the

wedding would have been a horror. Whereas, if I had exercised control,

the wedding would have been the culmination of a year-long

power-struggle and nada-tantrum, and she would have found some way(s)

to sabotage my " special day " ... Lose-lose. Therefore, no wedding at all!

The thing about substituting a kewl polka-dot dress with a pink satin

number. That's soooooo nada-ish. But (to view at the bigger picture),

the essence of nada-ish-ness is to ignore what we would want, and do

what they want, even at a time that should be ours, an event that

should be about US. Ugh.

Did you have a wedding? If so, did you have ways to minimize your

nada's control and input?

Flea

January 17, 2006

Thanks for sharing Flea, and yup---you guessed it! No wedding here

either....city hall for me! Now that I am NC, hubby wants to do

something small and intimate for our 5th anniversary in 2007...now

that sounds nice!

Hugs---

Sofia

>

> Oh Sofia!

> No I didn't have a sweet 16 like that but it sounds absolutely

> horrible (escaping to that boarding school helped me avoid many

such

> things, for which I'm so thankful).

>

> BUT this is exactly why I did NOT have a wedding and instead

eloped in

> traffic court. I was still in my early 20s when I married, and I

> know--KNOW--that nada would have taken over the wedding (or

attempted

> to) and made what should have been a dream into a nauseating,

> disappointing, sad nightmare. If I had let her have control, the

> wedding would have been a horror. Whereas, if I had exercised

control,

> the wedding would have been the culmination of a year-long

> power-struggle and nada-tantrum, and she would have found some way

(s)

> to sabotage my " special day " ... Lose-lose. Therefore, no wedding

at all!

>

> The thing about substituting a kewl polka-dot dress with a pink

satin

> number. That's soooooo nada-ish. But (to view at the bigger

picture),

> the essence of nada-ish-ness is to ignore what we would want, and

do

> what they want, even at a time that should be ours, an event that

> should be about US. Ugh.

>

> Did you have a wedding? If so, did you have ways to minimize your

> nada's control and input?

>

> Flea

>

January 18, 2006

When my 17 birthday arrived my nada decided that I should have a huge bash. She

made invitations to hand out at school- atleast 50- they were to go to a few of

my friends and the rest for people that I " should " be friends with. I did as I

was told and handed them out, and believed that maybe nada was trying to help me

out of my shell. I got all excited and actually looked forward to it- duh! I

should have known better! Anyway, she rented out part of an athletic club( pool,

racketball courts, basketball, etc.), had a full catered buffet and rented all

kinds of music equipment. in the end, only about 7 people came. I was very upset

and embarrassed and above all I felt like such a loser! On the bright side

though, The food was awesome, and the few people that showed were really fun and

she was out of the picture for the most part. It was probably just as good as it

was bad, I think.

I was the last time I consented to a big party, with the exception of my

wedding- you've already heard that one more than once from me so I'll spare you

this time:)

Adria

sofiapeel wrote:

Hello all---

As I was musing about the dressing funny and the whole thing with my

mother giving woolen tights to kids on their birthdays, I started to

recall my sweet 16. Here is the recap:

I was not much of a socializer in HS, I was a straight A, advanced

placement student who used to cut school from time to time to go to

art galleries in NYC. I didn't fit in too much in school except

with the gay guys, who loved me. Still do--LOL. Anyway....nada

decides I should have a sweet sixteen despite the fact that I did

not want one. Big bashes in which I am the center of attention just

aren't my bag.

Seeing I couldn't win, I said I wanted to buy my own dress, so off I

went with my gay friends and we got a cool polka-dot number, very

me. Nada was FURIOUS! She raged about me having no taste and this

is not a proper dress for such an affair (I just hadn't realized

what kind of affair she had in mind). So she had one custom made

for me---hot pink satin, cleavage showing. I was so shy about my

breasts...so thank you nada for highlighting them.

Then, the guest list...I was allowed to invite only one--ONE!

friend, she had chosen the rest of the friends she felt were

appropriate to be in the " entrance procession " . She turned this

into a wedding like affair, with a groom all picked out for me and

everything. All the guests and procession members were business

associates of my fada and their children.

She made me dance with my " groom " , and it was humiliating, because

it was so NOT ME!!!! Fortunately I knew him most of my life, so I

knew he wasn't secretly mocking me and he was actually symapthetic

to what I was going through.

Nadas cannot possibly understand that we have our own personalities

and sometimes we are not the average next door type, but that it is

ok to be unique. My nada just wanted me to be " like everyone else " .

So we go home and open the envelopes. I thought wow! at least I got

some good money out of it. WRONG! So nada and fada announce that I

will get whatever money is left over after the restaurant and all

expenses are paid from the money I received! But wait...Oh, the

money wasn't enough (and they supposedly had to put some from their

pocket---yeh sure) WHAT!? And so I protested and said that it

wasn't fair because this wasn't my bloody idea and I should at least

get SOMETHING---It was after all, MY BIRTHDAY!!! So they take the

envelope from the girl that I had invited, whose parents were not

well off, and said " Ok, you can keep YOUR friend's gift " I opened

it and there were $20 inside. My nada said, " See, that doesn't even

cover half of her plate! Thank God we didn't let you invite anyone

else. If you like her so much you should be happy with her gift. "

Grrrr....This still stirs up anger. What she doesn't get and will

never get is that I was happy with my friend's gift, I would have

been happy with a card. I was unhappy because this party was not

about me. I would have been thrilled with a backyard BBQ or a night

at home with a movie and pizza and some girlfriends or going to NYC

and doing something. But no, nada would not have that....What would

people think???? Aside from which, she never let me bring anyone

over.

Anyone else have a sweet 16 a la nada?

Hugs--

Sofia

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January 18, 2006

Sofia,

WOW....that sounds like a dreadful thing.

I guess I was probably the opposite. I always wanted the birthday parties and

positive attention given to me. I think it had something to do with the fact

that nada always had to have attention drawn to her in some way, shape or form.

My sixteenth birthday was, for the most part, ignored. And my seventeenth was

completely forgotten(nada had to go to the ER...for nothing)

My graduation party was really not much of a party. I was unpopular, and

didn't make too many friends. I had gone to 5 different high school in 4 years,

so I had some trepidation when it came to making new friends. I was always

afraid I would finally start to feel like I fit in, and then we would move. It

had already happened several times.

The big event that nada took over was my first wedding. I was very young,

only 21. I had gotten engaged to a guy that I barely knew because nada pushed

it, and I truly just wanted to get away from her. I wanted a wedding at a place

in town that I adored. It was a gorgeous cathedral that had been transformed

into a museum. Since I am pagan, I didn't want to get married in an actual

church with a pastor and everything. I wanted to be able to write vows, etc. I

was paying for the wedding, not my family, so I felt that I should be able to

choose what I wanted. Unbeknownst to me, nada and stepfada had already spoken

with a pastor at a church not far from us, and prebooked the church! Nada also

insisted on doing the catering and the cake herself. But then, the cake suddenly

became our wedding gift. She also picked the colors(peach and hunter green....in

APRIL!!!) and the decorations for the church. In fact, my matron of honor was

going to take me out for a bachelorette party, but nada

insisted that we stay at the church until 1 am to decorate. By that time, it

was too late to really do any celebrating, and by the time we were done, my

fiance had already been to a strip club and back. The whole thing was a

disaster. I actually hated my own wedding. Nada complained about the

photographer and my new in-laws the WHOLE time. She griped about not being able

to just sit back and enjoy. It was horrid. And THEN....I had to hear about how

much money nada and stepfada had spent on things that THEY wanted in the

wedding, and that I " owed " them. It was a grand total of $250. That marriage

ended 18 months later, and while a lot of it was because of things between me

and my ex, nada and stepfada also had a large part in the failure of that

marriage.

When I got remarried in June 2004, my fiance(now husband) and I planned

and paid for everything involved. Nada wasn't given the opportunity to sabotage

or put in her two cents. I picked the invitations I wanted, the colors I

wanted(periwinkle and pale pink...much more me!) the location(a botanical

garden, under a lakeside arbor) the guest list, and the officiant(a wiccan high

priestess.) We wrote our own vows, had a small, intimate ceremony, and skipped a

reception entirely. Of course, nada complained about not having been asked to

help. She also complained about how my new SIL had " stolen " my baby girl(or to

hear her say " MY granddaughter " ) away while she was fussy during the ceremony.

She hardly smiled during the ceremony, and did nothing but gripe afterwards. But

you know what? i didn't care. I got the wedding I wanted, where I wanted it. I

loved it, and I don't regret it. It was a perfect day, with very little stress.

Even with nada trying to spoil it.

It feels good to be able to say that in a minor way, that day was the

beginning of my TRUE freedom from nada. If I hadn't had the strength to do

things my way, I probably would still be in Oz....trying to find my way out of

the FOG.