Re: Anyone advice for upcoming wedding & dealing with FOO?

[Guest guest]

Hey Kath,

It sounds like you've got a terrific perspective on the situation,

including realistic expectations for what you and your sister can't

(Fada's behaviour) and can (your own responses and choices) control.

If you search the list archives for " wedding " you'll find much wisdom

as well as many, many nada/fada horror stories (including mine), so I

won't try to re-hash too much of that.

In this specific situation, I can think of a few options:

1. If Fada approaches sister & son.

Sister could try and avoid a potential confrontation by avoiding

being the only adult in any conversation group when Fada is near. In

my experience BPs are vastly less likely to attack if there are

potential witnesses!

If sister keeps walking away if Fada approaches her, I suspect

there's a good chance he'll find another target rather than risk

looking ridiculous pursuing her.

If sister gets cornered with Fada, she could try the PUVAS techniques

from SWOE (or the exceprt here:

http://www.bpdcentral.com/resources/library/puvas.htm)

2. What if someone overheards Fada bad-mouthing?

I assume you mean what if you or sister or son hear fada bad-

mouthing, since otherwise you might never know. It's harder to for

me to work out scenarios in my head for this one, because there are

so many variables, depending on what he might say to whom, but it

seems that regarding actions, your main choices are to confront or

not confront him, and whether or not to do any " damage control " with

the person he's been talking to, which is an indirect confrontation

of Fada. Also the choice of when to take an action (i.e. at the

wedding or afterwards).

The only thing I can think of to say about this is that any

confrontation is risky, and only you can decide if it's worth the

risk. Sometimes it is.

My thoughts regarding confronting the people who listen to Fada is

that people are either going to believe the BP or not, and if they

are inclined to believe a BP, then sane arguments from a Non aren't

going to have much effect.

3. What if some member of the FOO asks about the " not speaking to

your Dad " .

Sister could say something like " The situation is complicated and I

am doing the best I can to protect my son. " if she thinks the person

is really well-meaning but misguided.

Sister could smile sweetly and ask " Where did you hear THAT? "

and/or " Why do you ask? " , and remember that this type of conversation

is (in my opinion anyway) extremely inappropriate at a wedding, so if

she takes it seriously she's validating rude behaviour.

In what I have seen, KOs are often extremely tolerant of

inappropriate questions and comments. If a comment or question

makes us feel uncomfortable, our discomfort is most likely

legitimate. Yet we feel like it is our responsibility to deal with

the situation and make the interaction come out okay. In the " real "

world where BP rules (mostly) do not apply, when somebody's rude,

it's their job to apologize/make amends/etc. The 3C rule for BP also

applies to other people's rudenss -- you didn't Cause it, you can't

Control it, and you can't Cure it. You can, however, tell your

nephew that " what Auntie/Uncle X said wasn't polite " , but put the

label on the words, not the person.

It sounds like you are anticipating a lot of rudeness from the FOO

members as well as Fada. That is about THEM, not you. However, if

you try to maintain an attitude of expecting to be treated with

respect, that can help you prevent subtle behaviours that encourage

rudeness. Most of us KOs have learned a lot of " victim postures " --

how could we not?

Hugs,

>

> At the end of October, my brother who's in his late 30's is getting

> married. This is a wonderful thing, my brother is a decent guy &

his

> fiance is a really nice woman.

>

> But, as of some incidents 2 months ago (which lead me to find all of

> you fantastic, wonderful, supportive people!), I have limited my

> contact with my Fada. I couldn't avoid seeing him at my

> sister-in-law-to-be's bridal shower because he dropped off my

brother

> & his fiance. He came over to give me a hug like nothing was wrong,

> and I was just like " hi. " I don't want to start crap & ruin someone

> else's big day, I'm trying to be amicable, and I don't have a

problem

> being nice if he approaches me, but I'm not about to approach him

for

> anything.

>

> Anyhow, the incident 2 months ago also involved my Fada saying some

> choice words to/about my one sister, her husband and son. So my

> sister has been NC since then as well, and she & her family will be

> traveling a bit to come to the wedding. She is more worried about

the

> upcoming wedding than I am, and I am looking for how to best advise

> her about it. (She isn't as net-savvy as I am, otherwise I'd send

her

> here.) She has more anxiety than I do, and she's worried about what

> Fada might be telling FOO about her, her husband, & her son.

>

> There will be a lot of relatives in town for the event, and Fada

does

> have a habit of bad-mouthing anyone who isn't around to anyone who

is.

> I can let it roll of my back; I don't give a crap what anyone says

> about me, I'm an adult, I can speak for myself, I have a supportive

> husband & no kids. My sister is mostly worried about what Fada has

> been telling everyone about her son, and how she should approach the

> situation. Her husband is also very supportive of her being NC with

> Fada.

>

> Again, none of us want to steal the joy away from my brother's

> wedding. I told her to do her best to just avoid him & be nice,

> there will be a lot of other ppl there to play functioning attention

> provider to him anyhow. But what if Fada approaches her & her son?

> (She said she expects a full apology before she's ready to make nice

> with him, I said I know that's a futile wish.) Or what if someone

> overhears Fada bad-mouthing? What if some FOO says " I hear you

aren't

> speaking to your dad. " We don't want to have to explain the whole

> situation to foo, we don't want to perpetuate the grape-vine

mentality

> of talking behind other's backs. I know, we can't be prepared for

any

> given situation, but of course, being a child of a BP Fada, we try

our

> damnedest to be prepared for any situation.

>

> Anyone have any advice that I might be able to pass on?

>

[Guest guest]

, you rock thank you! Ah the search button! Thanks for that

reminder, and I will definitely do a search thru these threads on

weddings. The thought of reading other's horror stories scares me a

little, but it's still a good idea. And thank you for the advice &

the links!

And Greg, good advice to change the subject to something positive

about the wedding. I can definitely see myself utilizing that. " yes,

I'm having some issues with Dad at the moment. Oh look how cute the

flower girl is! And I just love the Bride's dress don't you? "

And I will have more good advice for my sister next time I talk to

her. I think my sister has been taking the NC thing a bit hard, I

think out of all of us siblings, she's been the one to always strive

to see the good side of Fada, and I can tell it hurts her alot to have

all her efforts betrayed. I passed on to her Surviving a Borderline

Parent, & I will soon mail her my copy of SWOE. I'm glad she's coming

around to the reality of our situation, and I want to have the best

support for her.