Guest guest Posted January 29, 2006 Report Share Posted January 29, 2006 > > Just putting a thought out there. I have been kind of moody this > month regarding the first anniversary of my mil's death. I was closer > to her than nada. I realized that my problem, lately, has not been > her loss but the realization that my dh and his foo have been able to > publicly mourn their loss. > > I feel like my foo died when I went nc. Yes, it was totally my choice > and yes, I would make the same decision over again. But, I feel like > my loss has been totally minimized. I don't have the same closure. > > This may be silly analogy but has anyone ever lost a pet that they > were really attached to? We did last month. I wanted to lay in bed > for a week just crying. I picked up pet food for my other cats and > started crying my eyes out in the grocery store. The worst part were > all those people out there who think, Geez! It was just an animal! > > That's how I feel about my nada and foo loss. Like, well they were > already nuts, what are you so upset about? Just because they were > horrible doesn't mean I can't grieve. I have even been told that if > I'm so upset about it, just contact them. You other ko's know it's > not that simple. > > Well, thanks for listening to my little rant. > > Oh, , I know so much how you feel. My nada just past this summer, but I have 2 sisters with this BPD. It is so hard, I want to pick up that phone so many times but brain and not my heart, tells me what I would be in for in the long run. It is harder to grieve for the lose of someone who is out there and alive than it is to grieve for the dead. death is final. When they are still here it is much harder to accept. you grieve for any good time or good parts of them and for the kind of relationship you will never have with them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 29, 2006 Report Share Posted January 29, 2006 , You wrote, " Just because they were horrible doesn't mean I can't grieve. I have even been told that if I'm so upset about it, just contact them. You other ko's know it's not that simple. " You're darn right " it's not that simple. " I and others here know and understand that. People who make *?!*:! & %#?! statements like you described are CLUELESS. I’ve also heard variations such as, “If they’re so upsetting to you, why don’t you just let them go?” and “If you think they’re so bad, why can’t you just accept them as they are?” I work to stay away from and forGET those clueless ones. One Non-BP Recovering Man --- mkatplustwo wrote: > Just putting a thought out there. I have been kind of moody this > month regarding the first anniversary of my mil's death. I was closer > to her than nada. I realized that my problem, lately, has not been > her loss but the realization that my dh and his foo have been able to > publicly mourn their loss. > > I feel like my foo died when I went nc. Yes, it was totally my choice > and yes, I would make the same decision over again. But, I feel like > my loss has been totally minimized. I don't have the same closure. > > This may be silly analogy but has anyone ever lost a pet that they > were really attached to? We did last month. I wanted to lay in bed > for a week just crying. I picked up pet food for my other cats and > started crying my eyes out in the grocery store. The worst part were > all those people out there who think, Geez! It was just an animal! > > That's how I feel about my nada and foo loss. Like, well they were > already nuts, what are you so upset about? Just because they were > horrible doesn't mean I can't grieve. I have even been told that if > I'm so upset about it, just contact them. You other ko's know it's > not that simple. > > Well, thanks for listening to my little rant. > > > > > __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 1, 2006 Report Share Posted February 1, 2006 > That's how I feel about my nada and foo loss. Like, well they were > already nuts, what are you so upset about? Just because they were > horrible doesn't mean I can't grieve. I have even been told that if > I'm so upset about it, just contact them. You other ko's know it's > not that simple. , this is so well put. *Of course* we are sad and will grieve the loss of family. We grieve what might have been. A lot of my grief was that I had some idea that my mother would get well after she went through rehab and got off the prescription drugs. I think that was easier for me to believe than the fact that she had some sort of mental disorder all her life. And, sadly, I think the grieving keeps going on until they actually die. The death of hope, the hope that one day I might have a real relationship with my mother, is how I try to describe it. And even though most of that hope is gone my therapist said that until my mother actually dies I might still go through small parts of the grieving process when there are new incidents. For example, my mother recently escalated from her usual verbal abuse to physical violence. Even though it was not a huge surprise to me (I knew she was capable of it) still, I felt angry, shocked, sad and so many other feelings when it actually happened. She's just gotten worse and worse over the last couple of the years. Hugs, Marjorie http://www.bookcrossing.com/mybookshelf/ahimsa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 1, 2006 Report Share Posted February 1, 2006 > For example, my mother recently escalated from her usual verbal > abuse to physical violence. Even though it was not a huge surprise > to me (I knew she was capable of it) still, I felt angry, shocked, > sad and so many other feelings when it actually happened. She's > just gotten worse and worse over the last couple of the years. I thought I'd mention, in case it wasn't clear, that it wasn't me that she attacked. It was someone else. I'm not ready to go into any more details but I didn't want people to think it was me. I'm fine! :-) Hugs, Marjorie http://www.bookcrossing.com/mybookshelf/ahimsa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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