about my lab results

[Guest guest]

It's Friday night and I'm sure there's not too many reading the board right now,

but I just have to spill my guts...

My culture came back positive for Gram negative bacteria. The " Gram " is just a

type of stain method used to identify different strains. The test results are

preliminary so the actual bacteria has yet to be identified . I should know

something Monday. But the fact that it's not MRSA is actually very worrisome.

Gram negative is not good by any stretch of the imagination.

Okay, I'm scared to death right now. I don't want to be the patient in

isolation in the hospital that all of the nurses are afraid to see. (I'll have

you know that more often than not, I'm the nurse that willingly takes those

patient's because I know they need me). Anyway, I'm truly mortified because

this has been going on for so long there's just no telling what this strain has

turned/evolved into. And then to make matters worse I'm in the middle of this

domestic crisis. It's all just too much for me to. My future is so uncertain.

The strong part of me is weakening with every passing minute, but I still have

enough sense to know that I'll get through this. It's the unknown that scares me

so much. I sit here with tears silently rolling down my cheeks filled with

angst. The tears are not for the loss of my marriage, or not for my poor

health, not for the fact that I'm so not in a position to take care of myself

alone, and it's not because I'm so clueless about money and where it all goes.

You see I've already cried tears for each of those things independent of each

other. I think it's all of those combined together and the fact that I

literally have no idea where I will be a month from now or three months from

now. I've always been such a carefully planned and calculated person and right

now I can't plan for anything. I have absolutely no control.

The fact that I would even post all of this on the board is so unlike me. I'm a

sking myself how I could be so selfish when there are others who are suffering

more than I. And how on earth can I be strong for those who need me to share my

strength, when I am so weak?

My thoughts are spinning inside my head in that ever-so-rapid circular motion.

You know, the one that has no beginning and no end?

Well, like the moment that I posted those pictures...I feel like my load has

eased, if only for a moment. Somehow divulging the fact that I too am vulnerable

to fear brings a mild temporary peace...

Enough of the PCS (Poor Christene Syndrome). Tmorrow is a new day with a new

beginning. See...even time travels in a circle...

Whoever reads this, thank you for just reading it.

Christene