Re: Re: nada-like homeschoolers--long-term prob--ideas?

[Guest guest]

Trish,

Thanks for the input. The original group was a public playgroup, posted on the

Internet, for any homeschooling family in the area to meet at a big public

park. There was that group of problematic people, so several of us DID start a

new group, by invitation, and it was in the small playyard at my church. We DID

have rules. That's why it worked so well.

What happened was, there were so many " refugees " from the original group, that

more and more people begged to be let into the " nice " group. It grew too big

for the churchyard, so we moved to another big public park. We didn't

advertise, but eventually word got around, and everyone (including the original

troublemakers) " just shows up. "

You can't tell people at a public park to go away. None of the " nice people "

has a space or facility big enough to house a private group of the size of the

people that we would want to include.

So, I appreciate your ideas--we tried it!--and now we need to find another

solution. Of course, the problem with the nada-types, even with our " rules " is

that they don't see a thing wrong with their behavior. Ever.

Thanks,

Flea

tlblack2006 wrote: Hi Flea, It sounds like

your email to the group was a really good idea. I don't know that

much about homeschooling, so I don't know how your playgroups work--do you

have

" rules " or is it just a group of friends? If it's just friends getting

together, why not just

limit the group to invitation only--then you can screen the people so that

only those folk

you want around your kids are in it.

If it is more complicated, a group of you could decide to form a playgroup

with a set of

rules--even this yahoo group has rules that include not abusing others. You

could put

some guidelines for behavior together and if someone didn't follow it, you

could all

" remind " them and then ask them to leave if they kept it up. Maybe having

such a list in

place would help you all express yourselves better. I know I have trouble

putting it into

words when my boundaires are violated. I'm angry and frustrated--but I can't

always

figure out what exactly I don't like about the situation so I can say

something about it.

I've found that once I have words to describe what I'm not happy with, it

makes it easier to

say someting.

--T

>

> Hi folks!

>

> Even if you haven't experienced this particular problem, some of you might

have some

good insights or suggestions, so here goes.

>

> Some time ago I mentioned that a lot of homeschooling moms had very

difficult

childhoods. I really believe many of us had parents who were nadas/fadas, or

alcoholics,

or had other personality disorders.

>

> For many of us, our difficult childhoods have led us to homeschool,

because we want

to create a very nice, nurturing childhood for our kids (my

creative-artistic-dramatic-

musical son wouldn't enjoy school very much, but if I give him an hour of

academics a

day, we cover the basics, and he can devote many hours to the things he

really loves

doing).

>

> I (and the other homeschooling moms like me) I'll call the " KO

Types " ...each of us is an

individual, but in general, we are well-intentioned, we often get stressed by

conflict, and

we are vulnerable to bad " nada energy. "

>

> SO, here comes the problem. There's another subset of the

homeschoolers-with-

difficult-childhoods. I will call them the " nada types " ... These women seem

to be

motivated more by a desire to control and micromanage every aspect of their

children's

lives, to make their children perform like trained seals (be the " perfect "

children). They

are all about appearances--they want the kids to make THEM look good, not

make the

kids happy. They are very fake-nicey-nice. They are experts at manipulating

groups and

situations, making themselves look like the victims, making themselves look

like the

" good guy " , making others look bad.

>

> They seem to be especially driven to torment the KO-type moms and their

children, no

surprise there.

>

> Without going into long stories of a variety of incidents, suffice it to

say that the nada-

types are making the KO-types' lives a living h***. The homeschooling

community here is

NOT very large, and it is very hard to avoid these families totally. If

someone organizes a

field trip, there they are. If someone organizes a holiday party for the

kids, there they

are.

>

> There was a weekly playgroup, which resulted in so many negative

incidents, that the

KO types went and formed their own playgroup (held in a public location).

Things were SO

nice and peaceful for a year or two...eventually the nada-types heard about

the group,

trickled in, and the " new " playgroup is now a carbon copy of the old

playgroup.

>

> The nada-types are all driving us crazy. They create ugly stressful

incidents weekly.

Their behavior is just unbearable, selfish, thoughtless, manipulative,

mean...you all know

how it is.

>

> One small example: Two kids accidentally collide, one claims the other

" hit me " . Other

parents saw it was obviously an accident, and everyone also knows the

supposed " hitter "

has no history of hitting. But the nada-type goes on the warpath, starts

screaming at the

KO-type mother (a very timid friend of mine), accuses her of not disciplining

her child,

accuses my friend's child of beating up on her child, accuses my friend's

child of lying

when he said it was an accidental collision and he's sorry that someone got

hurt. My

friend doesn't even want to go back there now! Sad! And an ugly incident like

that has a

negative effect on EVERYONE who's there--ALL the kids, ALL the moms (well,

actually,

the KO-type moms seem to thrive on it). I wasn't there that day, but my

friend says that

no one had the guts to confront this nada-type. Everyone talks about it

afterward--how

awful she was, how everyone knew it was an accident. Why not come to each

other's

defense?

>

> We need to create a better homeschooling social environment for ourselves

and our

kids. One of the KO-types suggested started a new playgroup again. That's a

possibility, I

guess. But I would rather reclaim " our " nice playgroup, and somehow either

(1) confront

the nada-types effectively and call them on their bad behavior each time it

happens. Do

you think this might be effective if the KO types support each other? I would

be willing to

confront them--but a lot of the KO types are more timid. Or (2) somehow oust

the nada-

types, or get rid of them, or make them feel so unwelcome that they leave our

playgroup.

Howww?

>

> I guess what I'm saying is, we (KO types) started the playgroup for our

children. It was

a great group. Conflicts that arose between kids were dealt with so easily.

The mothers all

got along fine. And I don't want to run away from our good central location

and from a

day of the week that works for everyone, just because the nadas are trying to

take over

and make us miserable. I don't want to leave. I want THEM to leave.

>

> So, I'm wondering if any of you have suggestions or ideas, about how best

to handle

this situation. Maybe getting them to leave isn't realistic, I dunno.

>

> I knew a lot of people were irritated by them, but recently, the nada

types ruined a

party for the kids with selfish, manipulative, divisive behavior. I posted a

message to the

whole group, explaining why I thought this behavior was unacceptable, why I

thought the

outcome was unacceptable, and stating what I thought an acceptable

(non-party-ruining)

alternative would be, in case the situation would arise again.

>

> And in response, I got a TON of private emails saying " THANKS for posting

that, it

really needed to be said, " and I then heard a TON of new stories about their

outrageous

antics. I mean, they are way meaner to some of the others than they ever were

to me and

my kids. I had no idea it was as bad as it was. Perhaps cuz they know I will

take less of

their s***.

>

> I hope you all have some ideas. I need to get away from these people, but

keep a nice

social homeschooling network for my kids. Thanks y'all.

> Flea

>

>

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