triggered by things going wrong

[Guest guest]

Dear Kerrie, I have the same problem. I articulate it as my PTSD

being triggered by things going wrong unexpectely--or by being told

no. But I see it's a lot of what you're saying. When something

goes wrong, I feel like it IS my fault, and I am being punished by a

vengeful God/Universe--not only did I screw up so it's my fault

there, but also that I'm CURSED so I deserve extra-special

punishment.

The past few weeks I've had some really hard times to, with little

things that make me feel like scum of the universe. I lost a

personal item in the bathroom of a cafe. When I went back for it

(embarrased to ask of course) they told me stuff like that gets

thrown away. When I tried to replace it, I bought something that

was wrong for me--I ended up spending $50 extra because I left

behind this little compact!

I recently lost my gloves. I left them on a bus. It's really cold,

and I had to replace them.

A lot of stores in the neighborhood where I live have changed their

credit card policies, and don't take the ones I use any more, and

I've been turned down trying to use them, so that's how I learned.

These are just three examples. Tons of stuff like this has been

happening in the past few weeks, and I have been at a loss to

determine why it makes me so full of SADNESS I am almost remembering

what it was like to be suicidal. Your post helps me organize it.

It's because any time something went wrong, nada asked 'what did you

do?' Literally every bit of discomfort I EVER felt was MY fault,

not only my doing, but my fault because I was bad.

Oh--another lightbulb as I'm writing. Of COURSE any pain I felt had

to be my fault. Nada was causing most if not all of that pain. She

had to make sure and project and keep herself from splitting black.

I guess even for things she didn't directly cause, she still had to

make sure any pain I was feeling was my fault, maybe because she was

the mother, overall ... Not sure.

This is one I really would like to get ahold of, because these

little rain showers, as you call them, life is FILLED with them,

especially in this day and age, especially if one is going to live

in populous areas as I very well plan to.

Thanks!

Charlie

> >

> > " If I'm in a normal frame of mind where I'm following all the

rules

> and

> > sticking to the budget, well when the stroller breaks down and

the

> > DVD player goes out, it is an inconvience and hassle. When I feel

> > like I've contributed in so etherial balanoy way of me actually

> > thinking I can control everything and stepping slightly outside

the

> > budget and hence that's why crap happened to me, then I go to the

> > opposite extreme of being depressed and beating myself up

> emotionally-

> > finding it hard to get out of the gutter. "

> >

> > I have gone so long feeling the same way. I have a huge thing

for

> > " following the rules " as if that would protect me from anything

and

> > then, when I don't follow the rules, even if I do something

> reasonable

> > and normal, I fear that the whole world will come crashing down

> around

> > me. I'm somewhat out from under that now, but it's a heavy

weight.

> > And my " rules " were also conflicting and irrational when I really

> > thought about it. I definitely have budget rules like you that

seem

> > rational, but I've got others about disagreeing with people,

> spending

> > money on myself etc. . .that are really pretty destructive.

> >

> > I read a book in college that talked about how many philosophers

who

> > had a strained relationship with their parents. The author made

a

> link

> > between the child's view of the parents to the adult's view of

god

> > that I thought was really interesting. It's like the people

cast

> god

> > in the image of their parents--or just refused to believe in god

at

> > all if their parents were too distructive. It seems like such a

> huge

> > legacy to overcome when your sick parents can influence even the

way

> > you percieve god/karma/the universe or whatever.

> >

> > It's weird to think that some beliefs we have could actually be

> fleas.

> >

> > Trish

> >

>