do you ever feel like you aren't like everyone else?

[Guest guest]

I was taking a walk with my baby girl today and my thoughts were racing.

I feel very different from other people or at least I percieve I am

different. On the outside I obviously look the same and act the same.

I just don't feel like I belong in most places.

Like where my marriage is concerned. I am realizing it is very unlike

most out there. Dh and I tell each other everything. I mean full

disclosure on every aspect of my life. And we talk incessantly. Or

at least I do and he listens (lol) though lately he is coming up with

a few good theories on his own. There is a closeness that I am not

seeing in the relationships of many of my friends and aquaintances.

We are about halfway saved up for a new house. We live in a very

large city and live on a subway line so we never bothered buying a

car. These aren't such a big deal in and of themselves but I almost

feel like those normal life progressions (or purchases) are off limits

to me. Like I don't deserve it or it's too complicated and dangerous

to get into. I feel like most of my friends have moved on to " the

next step " and I am stuck. In many ways I don't feel old enough or

worthy to do so. I get really scared going into a bank to talk to

loan officers. I feel like they will reject us (there is no reason

they would). It is very strange.

It's not even just that. I feel physically different too. I never

felt very " girly " and while it wasn't a big deal before I am now

having a hard time fitting in to groups. I can be very self

conscious. It seems so silly. It is actually getting worse as I get

older when most women I talk to says it lessens as they age.

How do you all deal with self esteem? I feel like I have a decent

grip on other area's of my life but in the pit of my soul I just never

feel worthy or equal to others. I am the type to apologize to someone

who stepped on my foot for getting in their way.

Is there some way to get this " I don't deserve... " mantra out of my

head. All these friggin years of therapy and I still have no idea how

to " fix " this.