Guest guest Posted February 6, 2006 Report Share Posted February 6, 2006 Hi , I haven't been posting much either lately. Everyone goes through quiet periods. Luckily we are an unconditional source of support. Unlike nadas! After any encounter with nada or foo, it helps to hear from us on this board: you have the right to avoid your nada in any way necessary, if her behaviour is harmful to you. If you are feeling harm from your nada, that is real, and you are real. You are not a bad person or bad child for actually feeling the effects of what she does to you. However much contact you choose, there are people on this board who recognize that as a valid choice. If your nada gets on you about not calling, maybe you could try not to engage at all on that. Just change the subject. Act like she's a crazy person, who doesn't understand you didn't answer. You will find that nadas have the attention spans of 3 year olds. Distract her to something else she is interested in. Refuse to reveal your own thoughts or feelings about the subject. Just REFUSE. And, before talking to her, be ready to do this. Have your responses (or lack thereof) all planned out. Finally--about wanting to call. Could it be, perhaps, that there is an infant inside you who is hanging onto nada's presence in your life, because she doesn't understand that she will be okay without a 'mother'? That's what was going on with me. There is also a 12 year old who desperately wants the love a 'mother' was supposed to give. Once I began convincing those two that they were safe and loved, respectively, I found I had no 'need' or wish to contact nada at all. Good luck to you with these issues. Charlie > > Hi everyone, I have been kind of quiet around here lately. I have > been reading, but I guess feeling a little isolative. In any case, I > am posting for, well I guess, a little reality check. Everyone here > is always supportive when I turn to the board for some > reenforcement. I previously had posted about my decision to go nc, I > decided I had enough. Since that time I have spoken with nada 3 > times. It has now been a month since our last phone conversation. > She told me I was " cold " -I noticed recent posts about others being > accused of this. Along with being cold that I have abandoned her, > FOO wonders what my " problem " is and that other people's kids call > their parents at least 3 times per week and blah, blah, blah. She > does not see that her actions play any role, of course. I struggle > with feeling the responsiblity of making the choice to go nc. I made > a comment to dh this weekend that I actually wanted to call her. Can > you believe this? My reasoning was because I knew that she would > rage at me and in turn, help me to feel " continued justification " for > nc. I still feel this way, but now I am wondering why I have this > need? I haven't called her though, I know I need to stay strong. > Has anyone else ever had these kind of thoughts? > Thanks everyone... > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 6, 2006 Report Share Posted February 6, 2006 Hi, Yes, I remember feeling guilty and uncertain about going nc, especially in the beginning. We are conditioned to feel responsible for nada and her feelings. It is easy to begin feeling her pain vs. our own pain. It is simply something we were trained to do and we must realize that it is an automatic response (and not necessarily something we truly feel) but once we realize it is nada's brainwashing then we can begin re-programming our reactions to care for our own self and feel our own feelings. It is easier to feel good about nc when we feel angry because it feels more justified and our anger keeps us from feeling the pain underneath. After the anger subsides some, there can be this lost, insecure feeling and it is because we have let go of a part of our life, that while was destructive, was still a part of it. We must learn to care for ourselves now. So much of our lives was devoted to nada; her needs, her breakdowns, etc. that we became lost and disconnected from our self. This period is like the battered woman who lived with an abusive husband for years, she is sorta lost in the beginning because who is she if not the long suffering wife? And so who are you if not the long suffering daughter? You are your own person with lots of interests and talents that have not been realized because of all the time nada took and all the negativity she projected on to you. There comes a time when have to let go of our old role; that is part of moving forward. It is a little scary because it feels so uncertain and it can feel like we are walking off the edge of the earth but what lies beyond is a life of wonderful freedom and possibilites. It is hard to leave those behind who choose not to move forward, but if we stay with them they will only drag us down and will be sacrificing a life of happiness to be stuck with them in their misery. In the end, it's a no brainer. Sometimes you can't make sense of it all emotionally, and you just have to realize it may not feel " right " but that isn't because it isn't " right " its because the old tapes are playing. But if you keep moving in the direction you know is best for you, day by day it will get a little easier until one day you realize the FOG has cleared and the sun is shining and you have your life back. > > Hi everyone, I have been kind of quiet around here lately. I have > been reading, but I guess feeling a little isolative. In any case, I > am posting for, well I guess, a little reality check. Everyone here > is always supportive when I turn to the board for some > reenforcement. I previously had posted about my decision to go nc, I > decided I had enough. Since that time I have spoken with nada 3 > times. It has now been a month since our last phone conversation. > She told me I was " cold " -I noticed recent posts about others being > accused of this. Along with being cold that I have abandoned her, > FOO wonders what my " problem " is and that other people's kids call > their parents at least 3 times per week and blah, blah, blah. She > does not see that her actions play any role, of course. I struggle > with feeling the responsiblity of making the choice to go nc. I made > a comment to dh this weekend that I actually wanted to call her. Can > you believe this? My reasoning was because I knew that she would > rage at me and in turn, help me to feel " continued justification " for > nc. I still feel this way, but now I am wondering why I have this > need? I haven't called her though, I know I need to stay strong. > Has anyone else ever had these kind of thoughts? > Thanks everyone... > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 6, 2006 Report Share Posted February 6, 2006 , thank you for the kind, supportive words. Your post spurred me to see something about myself that I didn't quite realize or really articulate before. I had always been called to rescue her from the " pain " that others inflicted on her, unless of course, it was my fault. In those cases I bent over backwards to make her " happy " again and prove my loyalty and love to her. I have taken responsibility for her feelings, pain and all. It is true that these are my automatic responses and I see that it is just not rational or good for me or for my marriage for that matter. My marriage is the one absolute I have, to be able to feel the unconditional love he provides. I cannot allow her to zap away my energy, whether in her physical presence or her presence in my thoughts. I will continue working on this, I do dream of a fogless life. Thank you very dearly... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 6, 2006 Report Share Posted February 6, 2006 Hi Charlie, It's always good to hear your wise reminders and insights. One Non-BP Recovering Man --- charlottehoneychurch wrote: > Hi , > > I haven't been posting much either lately. Everyone goes through > quiet periods. Luckily we are an unconditional source of support. > Unlike nadas! > > After any encounter with nada or foo, it helps to hear from us on > this board: you have the right to avoid your nada in any way > necessary, if her behaviour is harmful to you. If you are feeling > harm from your nada, that is real, and you are real. You are not a > bad person or bad child for actually feeling the effects of what she > does to you. However much contact you choose, there are people on > this board who recognize that as a valid choice. > > If your nada gets on you about not calling, maybe you could try not > to engage at all on that. Just change the subject. Act like she's > a crazy person, who doesn't understand you didn't answer. You will > find that nadas have the attention spans of 3 year olds. Distract > her to something else she is interested in. Refuse to reveal your > own thoughts or feelings about the subject. Just REFUSE. And, > before talking to her, be ready to do this. Have your responses (or > lack thereof) all planned out. > > Finally--about wanting to call. Could it be, perhaps, that there is > an infant inside you who is hanging onto nada's presence in your > life, because she doesn't understand that she will be okay without > a 'mother'? That's what was going on with me. There is also a 12 > year old who desperately wants the love a 'mother' was supposed to > give. Once I began convincing those two that they were safe and > loved, respectively, I found I had no 'need' or wish to contact nada > at all. > > Good luck to you with these issues. > Charlie > > > > > > Hi everyone, I have been kind of quiet around here lately. I have > > been reading, but I guess feeling a little isolative. In any > case, I > > am posting for, well I guess, a little reality check. Everyone > here > > is always supportive when I turn to the board for some > > reenforcement. I previously had posted about my decision to go > nc, I > > decided I had enough. Since that time I have spoken with nada 3 > > times. It has now been a month since our last phone > conversation. > > She told me I was " cold " -I noticed recent posts about others being > > accused of this. Along with being cold that I have abandoned her, > > FOO wonders what my " problem " is and that other people's kids call > > their parents at least 3 times per week and blah, blah, blah. She > > does not see that her actions play any role, of course. I > struggle > > with feeling the responsiblity of making the choice to go nc. I > made > > a comment to dh this weekend that I actually wanted to call her. > Can > > you believe this? My reasoning was because I knew that she would > > rage at me and in turn, help me to feel " continued justification " > for > > nc. I still feel this way, but now I am wondering why I have this > > need? I haven't called her though, I know I need to stay strong. > > Has anyone else ever had these kind of thoughts? > > Thanks everyone... > > > > > > > > > __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 6, 2006 Report Share Posted February 6, 2006 Hi Charlie, wonderful to hear from you...First of all, thank you for letting me know it is real if I feel harmed, I've always known her to say " you have no right to feel hurt, I'm the one who should feel hurt " . I also have not felt like it was an option to avoid her calls or antics until very recently, and not completely wholeheartedly either. I received a call from grandnada last week asking about why I have not contacted mother, I did not answer or call her back. My husband took me out to eat and then to the mall, it took my mind off of the obligation I felt. I am trying this with nada as well, but it's more difficult. I don't call back right away, but I end up calling back anyways. The next time this happens and I CHOOSE to call her back, I will most definitely use your suggestions. If I tell her my thoughts or feelings she just uses them and twists them all up so that I doubt myself and then somehow she makes me feel bad for her? I do need to give myself permission for alot of things, I deeply appreciate you helping me identify some of them. Also with regards to my inner child not having a mother or motherly love, that is down inside there at the core. I cry when I see movies with happy mothers and daughters, I long for that. Ok, this was a touchy place to go-but it needed to be done. I truly thank you... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 6, 2006 Report Share Posted February 6, 2006 Hi , You're very very welcome! I want you to know that before I identified the four year old w/in me, and learned to teach her she was loved, I also used to get very upset when I saw mothers and daughters together. Once I even started crying in the middle of the street! But after just a few months of acknowledgment, it honestly doesn't make me sad any more. It's just moms and kids. It's just part of the world. It's not a cruel vision meant to torment me. Unfortunately I am still 'triggered' by LOADS and I do mean loads of other things, even just getting up later in the day than I think I should! Am still learning how to feel better about those. Thanks to Non Dude for the kind words and hi also to and Flea, to whom I wasn't able to get back to last month! Charlie > > Hi Charlie, wonderful to hear from you...First of all, thank you for > letting me know it is real if I feel harmed, I've always known her to > say " you have no right to feel hurt, I'm the one who should feel > hurt " . I also have not felt like it was an option to avoid her calls > or antics until very recently, and not completely wholeheartedly > either. I received a call from grandnada last week asking about why > I have not contacted mother, I did not answer or call her back. My > husband took me out to eat and then to the mall, it took my mind off > of the obligation I felt. I am trying this with nada as well, but > it's more difficult. I don't call back right away, but I end up > calling back anyways. The next time this happens and I CHOOSE to > call her back, I will most definitely use your suggestions. If I > tell her my thoughts or feelings she just uses them and twists them > all up so that I doubt myself and then somehow she makes me feel bad > for her? I do need to give myself permission for alot of things, I > deeply appreciate you helping me identify some of them. Also with > regards to my inner child not having a mother or motherly love, that > is down inside there at the core. I cry when I see movies with happy > mothers and daughters, I long for that. Ok, this was a touchy place > to go-but it needed to be done. > I truly thank you... > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 6, 2006 Report Share Posted February 6, 2006 Hi , Thanks for your post--it lead to such a great string that really held information/insights from everyone that I found very useful. It's just so validating and reassuring to read that other people have similar problems, and that they too doubt their own healthy solutions and better judgement. I know exactly what you mean about almost wanting your nada to do her thing again so you can feel validated in your reasons for your boundaries (in your case NC). I definitely am concerned about seeming paranoid for say, refusing to stay long periods at home, screening all my phonecalls. Who does that?--when my nada is on good behavior, I sometimes feel like I'm the one who has " the problem " or immagine that other people will think so too. It's so good to just see the whole thing from someone else's perspective. Again, thanks for posting this. Trish > > Hi everyone, I have been kind of quiet around here lately. I have > been reading, but I guess feeling a little isolative. In any case, I > am posting for, well I guess, a little reality check. Everyone here > is always supportive when I turn to the board for some > reenforcement. I previously had posted about my decision to go nc, I > decided I had enough. Since that time I have spoken with nada 3 > times. It has now been a month since our last phone conversation. > She told me I was " cold " -I noticed recent posts about others being > accused of this. Along with being cold that I have abandoned her, > FOO wonders what my " problem " is and that other people's kids call > their parents at least 3 times per week and blah, blah, blah. She > does not see that her actions play any role, of course. I struggle > with feeling the responsiblity of making the choice to go nc. I made > a comment to dh this weekend that I actually wanted to call her. Can > you believe this? My reasoning was because I knew that she would > rage at me and in turn, help me to feel " continued justification " for > nc. I still feel this way, but now I am wondering why I have this > need? I haven't called her though, I know I need to stay strong. > Has anyone else ever had these kind of thoughts? > Thanks everyone... > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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