BPs and vanGogh. Both look better from a distance...

February 6, 2006

Has anyone who has been NC for quite a while noticed that your NADA/FADA

looked even worse than ever, your childhood appeared worse than you ever

thought?

I went to the local child-abuse survivors meeting last evening, and

since returning (haven't slept) my regard for Yeti and my childhood

experiences have moved profoundly toward the bleak end. Any last

remnants of denial I have are taking a battering.

Ive spoken before about Borderlines not treating people as sovereign

territory; that's also changed. They don't see individuals. Full Stop.

There's no borders in borderline personality disorder. When they look at

another person, they don't see a person-ality. They see their needs

fulfilled.

Am I rambling? Shit I guess I am. Bugger. Anyway...

The person I was sort of expecting to see wasn't there (her NADA was

NPD) so instead I spoke to a guy whose dad (I discovered) was also BPD,

and it was a case of " me too " 600 million trillion times. Funny when

that happens, in person, it's much more " interactive " , with the

to-and-fro of conversation plus the eye contact and body language aspect

instead of writing letters.

I am no longer so concerned about becoming like Yeti. When I look at

people, I actually see that there is a separate person there. When Yeti

looked at me, she saw all she hated in herself. Being able to

externalise everything you hate about yourself is a neat trick, and Yeti

needed to do it... but I'm not sure that I want to do it. Look at a 2, 3

or 4 year old and think " You are all my hate, personifed " , you'd have to

be one truly tragic Yeti... Anyway, I guess I'll save that for my

therapist appointment next week.

Ive thought about my going NC too. I really think for me that was not

only the right thing to do, it was the only thing to do. For me, NC is

no longer optional.

My compassion and sympathy for everyone on this list has increased out

of sight :-)

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