Guest guest Posted September 7, 2006 Report Share Posted September 7, 2006 Hi everyone. I posted some weeks back and have been reading everyone's experiences daily which have been a great help. Still feel like too much of a mess to offer any advice. Last month I was struggle to go NC with nada. Pretty much accomplished that and dealing with the attacks now on my character. Its funny how crushed I can become from simple emails being sent to me. I am a bitter,irrational,abusive,hateful person unwilling to let go of my anger. I have always avoided speaking my mind and I finally did and it is hard not to regret it with silence from most of my family except from my grandmother whose anger is startling. Even after my brother's death and my years of silence everyone seems to believe my mother is a victim in all of this!! I finally blocked my grandmother emails from coming in...I know it will get better but right now I am struggling to overcome how worthless and unlovable I feel. I wish I had the inner strength to tell myself that I am not what nada has labeled me and her distortion campaign. I feel like I am in OZ and so vulnerable to just dealing with people in general. I know it will get better but right now it feels really difficult to get through this. I haven't really experienced the light bulb effect. I am going to get the book UBM and trying to fight these negative feelings moment to moment. I think I am still holding on to a glimmer of hope that someone will acknowledge what my brother and I have gone through. I need to let go of this fantasy family that I think might someday appear. I guess they are right-I am bitter and angry and it is up to me now to believe I deserve better. I wish my brain would just cooperate!!!! Feels good to vent. Thanks Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 7, 2006 Report Share Posted September 7, 2006 You are loveable and you do have worth -- and you're a survivor. Your post sounded strong and you are on the right road. Of course it's going to feel funny, because you're not used to standing up for yourself. It's a " muscle " that's grown weak with lack of use. If you believe in your heart that this is the best course of action (and it sounds like it is), then do the actions, even if they're uncomfortable at first. You'll get stronger. You're on your way. Good luck and God Bless. -kyla > > Hi everyone. I posted some weeks back and have been reading > everyone's experiences daily which have been a great help. Still feel > like too much of a mess to offer any advice. Last month I was > struggle to go NC with nada. Pretty much accomplished that and > dealing with the attacks now on my character. Its funny how crushed I > can become from simple emails being sent to me. I am a > bitter,irrational,abusive,hateful person unwilling to let go of my > anger. I have always avoided speaking my mind and I finally did and > it is hard not to regret it with silence from most of my family > except from my grandmother whose anger is startling. Even after my > brother's death and my years of silence everyone seems to believe my > mother is a victim in all of this!! I finally blocked my grandmother > emails from coming in...I know it will get better but right now I am > struggling to overcome how worthless and unlovable I feel. I wish I > had the inner strength to tell myself that I am not what nada has > labeled me and her distortion campaign. I feel like I am in OZ and so > vulnerable to just dealing with people in general. I know it will get > better but right now it feels really difficult to get through this. I > haven't really experienced the light bulb effect. I am going to get > the book UBM and trying to fight these negative feelings moment to > moment. I think I am still holding on to a glimmer of hope that > someone will acknowledge what my brother and I have gone through. I > need to let go of this fantasy family that I think might someday > appear. I guess they are right-I am bitter and angry and it is up to > me now to believe I deserve better. I wish my brain would just > cooperate!!!! Feels good to vent. Thanks > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 7, 2006 Report Share Posted September 7, 2006 --- " lune82575 " wrote: .... > Last month I was > struggle to go NC with nada. Pretty much accomplished that and > dealing with the attacks now on my character. Its funny how > crushed I > can become from simple emails being sent to me. I am a > bitter,irrational,abusive,hateful person unwilling to let go of my > anger. , sometimes I have found it helpful to think of what happens in the (relatively) normal families I know. Let's say, hypothetically, a nice, normal family had one member who was bitter, irrational, abusive, and hateful. What would the other family members do? Probably sincerely try to help and support the person (as opposed to the BP passive-aggressive hurt-while-making-it-look- like-help technique, which we all know too well), and try to figure out why they were the way they were. Constantly giving the person these negative messages and doing nothing else, like what your FOO is doing to you, is NOT normal, healthy, family behaviour. So, regardless of whether you can think of yourself as " okay " or not, they clearly are not, and you don't need to believe what they tell you about yourself. > I have always avoided speaking my mind and I finally did and > it is hard not to regret it with silence from most of my family > except from my grandmother whose anger is startling. Even after my > brother's death and my years of silence everyone seems to believe > my mother is a victim in all of this!! Yeah, it's funny-yet-SO-not-funny how often it seems like the BP ends up being viewed as the " victim " . I think this is partly because most BPs really are in tremendous emotional pain most of them time (which I don't think gets them off the hook, morally, for their actions, but that's probably a topic for another post). So, if the Nons in the BPs life are empathic, they sense the pain, and then they are confronted with the BP's true belief that nothing is EVER their fault! So, if they don't have enough perspective to DISbelieve what the BP in their life truly believes and insists on, they arrive pretty quickly at the " Oh, the poor BP " point of view. The UBM book and also Friedman's book " Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified " , which is actually written at least in part for the BPs themselves, both have lots of solid, clinical evidence that cognitive distortions are not just common but typical of BPs. In particular, BPs memories of emotionally-charged events tend to be especially distorted. With high-functioning BPs (like my nada, just to pick an example at random!), they might have razor-sharp memories in general, but for an incident where they became upset, they remember it in extreme BUT WRONG detail! > I finally blocked my grandmother emails from coming in...I know > it will get better but right now I am > struggling to overcome how worthless and unlovable I feel. I > wish I had the inner strength to tell myself that I am not what > nada has labeled me and her distortion campaign. I feel like I > am in OZ and so vulnerable to just dealing with people in > general. I know it will get better but right now it feels really > difficult to get through this. , it's important to understand that we KOs were fundamentally deprived of what they call " mirroring " . In a healthy parent-child relationship, the child learns how they appear to others through having the parent " reflect " back to them. If the parent, especially the primary caregiving parent, is a BP, then that reflection is distorted right from the beginning. I think this often manifests in so many of us KOs feeling " fake " and like we're " going through the motions " of life, and also like we don't have the right or the power to " shake off " anyone's wrong judgement of us. I think that trying to convince yourself that they're wrong about you may be more than is humanly possible. The approach that seems to help me more is simply to set aside ANY judgement, and just be in the moment and do the best I can in whatever choices come up. You can allow yourself to get re-mirrored within healthy adult relationships, but not by desperately trying to tell yourself that you're okay. You do it by suspending judgement, and that requires a lot of courage because it means taking the risk that the world will mirror your FOO's judgement back to you. Except from reading what you have posted on this list I already know enough about you to promise you that that's NOT what will happen! I also wonder if part of what is going on is that you are not separating your FOO's distorted messages from your own genuine grief and pain over how easily your FOO was able to reject and essentially discard you as soon as you stopped conforming. Their lies couldn't turn you into a bad person; but lies can create real psychic wounds, and while you will eventually be able to just walk away from their lies, the pain needs to be gone through. If you try to walk away from the hurt, I fear it will impede your soul's healing process. I suspect it will gradually become easier to leave behind their " negative picture " of you as you process the pain of having the people who were supposed to love you and " get " you, instead turn on you and treat you as a scapegoat when all you are doing is trying to not be abused for a change. You are going through a mourning process, because many of your (completely reasonable) hopes to have a family that loved and supported you are dying. > I > haven't really experienced the light bulb effect. I am going to get > the book UBM and trying to fight these negative feelings moment to > moment. I think I am still holding on to a glimmer of hope that > someone will acknowledge what my brother and I have gone through. I > need to let go of this fantasy family that I think might someday > appear. I guess they are right-I am bitter and angry and it is > up to > me now to believe I deserve better. I wish my brain would just > cooperate!!!! , you have a THOUSAND " siblings " on this list to acknowledge and understand and validate what you went through. It is tragic that it is too late for your brother but at least you are not alone any more. And definitely do get the UBM book -- it's wonderful! Hugs, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 8, 2006 Report Share Posted September 8, 2006 The only thing I can say to you, having not gone through this experience exactly is that every time I've experiences crisis with my FOO and doubted myself, I've managed to pull through and I've found that where I didn't think I had the strength or the courage, well, it came from somewhere anyway. Things that started out feeling impossible seemed a lot easier later. As KO's we face situation after situation in which we find ourselves confronting things that are really difficult for anyone--much less for someone who grew up in an environment of abuse. But as we become aware, we also become stronger. I've found that each new hurdle seems easier to clear and that some of the old ones, looking back, don't seem like they'd even be hurdles to me anymore. You can get through this, you are strong enough to survive it, and whatever you decide is the right thing to do, I know you have it in you to follow through and find peace in your decision eventually. Trish > > Hi everyone. I posted some weeks back and have been reading > everyone's experiences daily which have been a great help. Still feel > like too much of a mess to offer any advice. Last month I was > struggle to go NC with nada. Pretty much accomplished that and > dealing with the attacks now on my character. Its funny how crushed I > can become from simple emails being sent to me. I am a > bitter,irrational,abusive,hateful person unwilling to let go of my > anger. I have always avoided speaking my mind and I finally did and > it is hard not to regret it with silence from most of my family > except from my grandmother whose anger is startling. Even after my > brother's death and my years of silence everyone seems to believe my > mother is a victim in all of this!! I finally blocked my grandmother > emails from coming in...I know it will get better but right now I am > struggling to overcome how worthless and unlovable I feel. I wish I > had the inner strength to tell myself that I am not what nada has > labeled me and her distortion campaign. I feel like I am in OZ and so > vulnerable to just dealing with people in general. I know it will get > better but right now it feels really difficult to get through this. I > haven't really experienced the light bulb effect. I am going to get > the book UBM and trying to fight these negative feelings moment to > moment. I think I am still holding on to a glimmer of hope that > someone will acknowledge what my brother and I have gone through. I > need to let go of this fantasy family that I think might someday > appear. I guess they are right-I am bitter and angry and it is up to > me now to believe I deserve better. I wish my brain would just > cooperate!!!! Feels good to vent. Thanks > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 8, 2006 Report Share Posted September 8, 2006 You know I was talking to an old friend today and she at one point believed the lies that my mom said about me. She even wrote a letter on my parent behalf when they were taking me to court to get my children. But we were talking and she told me some of the things my mom said they were reckless things that were very damaging to my reputation as a mother, daughter and a wife. I told my friend I couldn't defend myself because I didn't even know what the lies were and if I did know what the lies were I didn't know who she said them to. And even had I known I needed to have an inner peace and an inner security to know I was not those things, I did not do those things, those things were not me. So in the end I will win even if it takes a life time but people will see her ways and my ways and people will see the truth. She said she saw a similar situation in her family an uncle divorced her aunt-in-law and claimed she was mentally insane. The judge gave the mother full custody and ruled the mother was ok and the dad had serious problems but for a long time friends and family and the people in the town were very mean to this lady until they saw how this man was and when they saw him be slimy and her be upright they saw the truth with their own eyes. Now 8 years later they trust her not him but it happened. I know it can happen for all of us slowly but surely. The first step is to practice faith in our self and when we have each other believing with us it really helps. So I believe you are a good person and I put my faith in you that you are not the bad things that nada says. I know that you can develop faith in yourself and that even if nobody else believes at least we believe in ourselves and that is the first step. Lizzy > > Hi everyone. I posted some weeks back and have been reading > everyone's experiences daily which have been a great help. Still feel > like too much of a mess to offer any advice. Last month I was > struggle to go NC with nada. Pretty much accomplished that and > dealing with the attacks now on my character. Its funny how crushed I > can become from simple emails being sent to me. I am a > bitter,irrational,abusive,hateful person unwilling to let go of my > anger. I have always avoided speaking my mind and I finally did and > it is hard not to regret it with silence from most of my family > except from my grandmother whose anger is startling. Even after my > brother's death and my years of silence everyone seems to believe my > mother is a victim in all of this!! I finally blocked my grandmother > emails from coming in...I know it will get better but right now I am > struggling to overcome how worthless and unlovable I feel. I wish I > had the inner strength to tell myself that I am not what nada has > labeled me and her distortion campaign. I feel like I am in OZ and so > vulnerable to just dealing with people in general. I know it will get > better but right now it feels really difficult to get through this. I > haven't really experienced the light bulb effect. I am going to get > the book UBM and trying to fight these negative feelings moment to > moment. I think I am still holding on to a glimmer of hope that > someone will acknowledge what my brother and I have gone through. I > need to let go of this fantasy family that I think might someday > appear. I guess they are right-I am bitter and angry and it is up to > me now to believe I deserve better. I wish my brain would just > cooperate!!!! Feels good to vent. Thanks > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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