Re: Loss of BP parent

[Guest guest]

Welcome to the group, Mike. I am sorry and understand the relief of lossing

your nada. Feelings are feelings and who wouldn't feel relief at not having to

deal with insanity and all the friggin' drama? One reality about the death of a

BPD parent that stands out in the grief process, is the loss of the fantasied

parent that we consciously and/or unconsciously keep alive. This is a hard

" parent " to let die and let go. The other that comes to mind is the feelings of

growing up with and being tormented by a mother with BPD. The combination of

these and other people who don't have a BPD parent and wonder why you grieve the

way you grieve or you may wonder that yourself, is confusing at bare minimum.

This group is a very safe place to express those feelings and thoughts and vent.

I've experienced a lot of support here and understanding that I haven't found

any where else. Take great care of yourself with such a monumental loss.

All my best,

Greg.

mpatkinson@... wrote:

Hello-

I am new to the group and was recommended by a friend who has a BP mother.

My Mother died on Sept 4, and this happened after about a decade of

addiction to Vicodin, Xanax and unaddressed issues. I am 28.

Based on my research, especially my reading/understanding of the

DSM-IV and SWOE, and the opinions of others who knew her, she fit the

bill for BPD, but (as is often the case) in lieu of professional

help, etc. she chose to hide in the refuge of her shut-in life and

addictions.

I was wondering if there are any additional stages of grief associated

with the loss of a BP parent, because I have been finding that even

though the par-for-the-course dysfunction was often frustrating and

toxic, it was still the substance of a close relationship with a

parent who, in her own mind, loved me. Even though it is absent,

there is still emptiness accompanied by the reality that I won't have

to deal with her BP-isms anymore, and yet I feel slightly guilty for

acknowledging that reality.

Thanks for reading this and for whatever suggestions,

Mike in NYC

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Mike, I haven't lost a parent, but all I've heard and read on this

board and elsewhere has told me that the death of a parent with whom

you have a problematic relationship is a lot harder than the death of

one where you have a good relationship. I think that makes sense

because there's so much ambivilance in the parent-child relationship

in BP families, so when parent dies, it's normal for that ambivalence

to cary over to the grieving process.

I can say that I agree with Greg and that you might also be

mourning what you would never have. I remember at my grandfather's

funeral my brother and I just breaking down and loosing it although we

basically didn't even know my grandfather due to generations of BP

family shenanigans. I always had felt a little sad and hurt about not

having a grandfather in my life, and it was like this was the final

chapter, there was no longer any time or way for that to change.

Sheesh, I'm all misty-eyed even now! I guess it's sort of the

mourning of lost hope--even if it was totally unreasonable hope that I

hadn't aknowledged in years.

Sorry for your loss and I hope you'll be able to work things through.

And let me reaffirm that your feelings are not good or bad, they are

just your feelings and it's ok to accept them--however complex they are.

Trish

>

> Hello-

> I am new to the group and was recommended by a friend who has a BP

mother.

> My Mother died on Sept 4, and this happened after about a decade of

> addiction to Vicodin, Xanax and unaddressed issues. I am 28.

> Based on my research, especially my reading/understanding of the

> DSM-IV and SWOE, and the opinions of others who knew her, she fit the

> bill for BPD, but (as is often the case) in lieu of professional

> help, etc. she chose to hide in the refuge of her shut-in life and

> addictions.

> I was wondering if there are any additional stages of grief associated

> with the loss of a BP parent, because I have been finding that even

> though the par-for-the-course dysfunction was often frustrating and

> toxic, it was still the substance of a close relationship with a

> parent who, in her own mind, loved me. Even though it is absent,

> there is still emptiness accompanied by the reality that I won't have

> to deal with her BP-isms anymore, and yet I feel slightly guilty for

> acknowledging that reality.

> Thanks for reading this and for whatever suggestions,

> Mike in NYC

>