Re: Just a bad day

[Guest guest]

Lizzy,

Wow, you did have a bad day! :-(

I can understand how upsetting stuff involving kids is. You wanted

your child to have a great birthday, and it sounds like there was a

lot of tension that day. If that wasn't your aunt's typical behavior,

can you talk to her about it?

There really are kids who are born with more difficult temperaments

than others, and they are really harder to discipline than the average

kid. I've seen some mothers with those high-need kids, who give up

after a while. Sometimes they defend or give in to the kid, maybe to

make up for the fact that other people don't like them a lot (because

they were born with that difficult temperament). Other people might

see that this is not really helping the kid in the long run, but...it

happens.

And your new car! Ouch. I hope those scratches will come out.

And I hope today is better than yesterday! :-)

Janie

[Guest guest]

Janie thanks for the reply. I am not sure If I will talk to my aunt

any more on this or if it is better to let sleeping dogs lay, Or

however the saying goes. I will see how she behaves the next time.

She called the next day I was napping with my son and didn't answer

she called again 2 hours later and I picked up. We talked a little

she was more herself but I couldn't tell much cuz the kids were not

there. I was also talking to my grandma and she was saying

something about " being kind to each other kids even if they are a

challenge " . I thought it was very odd. I wonder if my aunt was

talking to her mom and then her mom felt a need to talk to me and

let me know to " stick it out through the hard times because family

love can make kids want to be better. " I was actually offended by

the whole thing coming from both my aunt and grandma, I always treat

her children the same as I treat my children. If anything her

daughter (my Goddaughter) gets the most spoiled when we are all

together because she is the only girl and she is the youngest. In

fact sometimes her daughter will come to me or ask for me even over

the mom. I wanted to say please don't offend me saying I need to

treat your children better. My oldest used to be difficult at first

we laid down strict rules and got it out of him now we are able to

lighten up a bit. They reminded me of that the last few days in

conversations but the difference is I handled it different first

discipline, no reward for bad behavior. Rewards come with a new

attitude and good self boundaries.

You said… " Sometimes they defend or give in to the kid, maybe to

make up for the fact that other people don't like them a lot (because

they were born with that difficult temperament). Other people might

see that this is not really helping the kid in the long run, but...it

happens. " These were actually her words and this is how she fells. I

think your whole post pretty much spells it out. I just hate to see

her end up in a pickle and have other people dislike her kid because

she is unwilling to get the behavior under control. Because even I

love him and it was hard for me to be around him when she said

nothing but played kissy face all day. I can only imagine how

annoyed others will get, I know how it is, I see parents like that

and I don't want to be around the parents or the kids. It sucks for

everybody. Well thanks for being understanding I can see you really

know about this stuff. You really do understand. Thanks for

listening. Love Lizzy

>

> Lizzy,

> Wow, you did have a bad day! :-(

> I can understand how upsetting stuff involving kids is. You wanted

> your child to have a great birthday, and it sounds like there was a

> lot of tension that day. If that wasn't your aunt's typical

behavior,

> can you talk to her about it?

>

> There really are kids who are born with more difficult temperaments

> than others, and they are really harder to discipline than the

average

> kid. I've seen some mothers with those high-need kids, who give up

> after a while. Sometimes they defend or give in to the kid, maybe

to

> make up for the fact that other people don't like them a lot

(because

> they were born with that difficult temperament). Other people might

> see that this is not really helping the kid in the long run,

but...it

> happens.

>

> And your new car! Ouch. I hope those scratches will come out.

>

> And I hope today is better than yesterday! :-)

> Janie

>

[Guest guest]

Hi, Lizzy,

Oh, I was sorry to hear the update that somehow your grandma had

gotten involved (you thought maybe your aunt had talked to her) about

" being kind to each others kids even if they are a challenge. " Because

it sounds as if, even if he is a difficult child, you do care about

him. As you said, you have the same rules for him as for your kids. So

it's not a matter of you being " unkind. "

I had just had another thought. Especially because, this is family and

you are going to be around them, right?

Here's something I thought was helpful in a similar situation. This

was a second cousin who lived far away, so we didn't see them a lot.

But it was one of those situations where, whenever we had a family get

together, her son was really wild and undisciplined, breaking the

rules, even shoving the other kids.

And his mother I think had given up on trying to discipline him. She

would threaten " I'll take you out of here if you don't stop! " But he

wouldn't stop, and she didn't take him out, so he knew the threats

were empty. And I think she felt sorry for him, because the other kids

tried to avoid him etc.

So me and a couple of the other (adult) cousins tried a two-part

approach. I'm not saying it turned his life around, but it ended up

making family get-togethers a little less tense and chaotic. The first

part was we really tried extra-hard (I mean, above and beyond, you

know?) to pay him some positive attention. That was hard to do when he

was mouthing off and shoving our kids and breaking toys and ignoring

the rules much of the time. (I remember one time I told him it was

time for all the kids to pick up toys, and he just sat there and

glared at me and then spat a watermelon seed at me. Grrr! The

little...) Sometimes there really wasn't any good behavior to attend

to, so we tried to latch onto anything, like, " Wow, you sure have a

lot of energy! I wish I could run like that! Can you run to the picnic

table and bring us some napkins? " Then smile and thank him for

bringing napkins.

Then, the second part was, it was easier for the host(ess) to enforce

the house rules with him, maybe because he felt more a part of our

family group, instead of a little outlaw that everyone dreaded to see.

" In my house, everyone gets one chance to go inside to get a toy. Then

we play outside. " If telling him the rules wasn't working, his mom

seemed more agreeable to step in, perhaps because she saw we (the

adults) were trying extra-hard to include him in a positive way.

This little cousin really ticked everyone off, so I don't want to

sound like Miss Merry Sunshine. This didn't turn him into an angel,

but it made the family get-togethers a little easier for everyone.

Janie

[Guest guest]

Janie, Thanks those idea's are great. I know I try and do stuff like

that now but considering the situation I am obviously going to have

to put an extra effort here. After all I lost most of my family

already due to my nada and the little family I have left like my

aunt for example has been a real blessing in my life. I would never

want her to think I don't treat her child equally and fairly I love

her whole family, even if he can be rather difficult he is still

family and the best friend to my children I don't want to lose that.

I know even the day of my sons b-day party I paid him many

compliments like that which you suggested but maybe I have to do it

radically in her face so she sees it because at this point I think

she is feeling hurt for him if that makes senses I don't really

think he is feeling hurt I think he is happy to play gets excited

and forgets his manners and the rules but I don't think he is

hurting. And you are right I do see them all the time at lease 1 -3

times a week so I better make sure to get this figured out. Thanks

again and I will see if this is just a phase or a real change in her

personality, either way I will take it and work around it. I know I

can figure it out and handle it. Thanks for the tips I will put a

more concuss effort into using them! Love Lizzy

>

> Hi, Lizzy,

>

> Oh, I was sorry to hear the update that somehow your grandma had

> gotten involved (you thought maybe your aunt had talked to her)

about

> " being kind to each others kids even if they are a challenge. "

Because

> it sounds as if, even if he is a difficult child, you do care about

> him. As you said, you have the same rules for him as for your

kids. So

> it's not a matter of you being " unkind. "

>

> I had just had another thought. Especially because, this is family

and

> you are going to be around them, right?

>

> Here's something I thought was helpful in a similar situation. This

> was a second cousin who lived far away, so we didn't see them a

lot.

> But it was one of those situations where, whenever we had a family

get

> together, her son was really wild and undisciplined, breaking the

> rules, even shoving the other kids.

>

> And his mother I think had given up on trying to discipline him.

She

> would threaten " I'll take you out of here if you don't stop! " But

he

> wouldn't stop, and she didn't take him out, so he knew the threats

> were empty. And I think she felt sorry for him, because the other

kids

> tried to avoid him etc.

>

> So me and a couple of the other (adult) cousins tried a two-part

> approach. I'm not saying it turned his life around, but it ended up

> making family get-togethers a little less tense and chaotic. The

first

> part was we really tried extra-hard (I mean, above and beyond, you

> know?) to pay him some positive attention. That was hard to do

when he

> was mouthing off and shoving our kids and breaking toys and

ignoring

> the rules much of the time. (I remember one time I told him it was

> time for all the kids to pick up toys, and he just sat there and

> glared at me and then spat a watermelon seed at me. Grrr! The

> little...) Sometimes there really wasn't any good behavior to

attend

> to, so we tried to latch onto anything, like, " Wow, you sure have a

> lot of energy! I wish I could run like that! Can you run to the

picnic

> table and bring us some napkins? " Then smile and thank him for

> bringing napkins.

>

> Then, the second part was, it was easier for the host(ess) to

enforce

> the house rules with him, maybe because he felt more a part of our

> family group, instead of a little outlaw that everyone dreaded to

see.

> " In my house, everyone gets one chance to go inside to get a toy.

Then

> we play outside. " If telling him the rules wasn't working, his mom

> seemed more agreeable to step in, perhaps because she saw we (the

> adults) were trying extra-hard to include him in a positive way.

>

> This little cousin really ticked everyone off, so I don't want to

> sound like Miss Merry Sunshine. This didn't turn him into an angel,

> but it made the family get-togethers a little easier for everyone.

>

> Janie

>

[Guest guest]

Lizzy,

I hope this is wrong, but as I read your post, I kept thinking about your aunt

as if she was a bull in a china closet that day. And as you know from your own

experience, kids act out often what their parents are or aren't doing.

After I got my nada out of the way, I started to notice the boundry violations

and etc. from certain life long friends. When I reminded them of the

boundaries, and they continued to break them, I let them go. After I did this,

I started to remember things that my mind surpressed that were inappropriate/not

supportive in a relationship. I really didn't want these friends to not be a

part of my life, but I couldn't stand being mistreated by anyone any more.

Take good care,

Greg.

lizzyboo81 wrote:

Janie, Thanks those idea's are great. I know I try and do stuff like

that now but considering the situation I am obviously going to have

to put an extra effort here. After all I lost most of my family

already due to my nada and the little family I have left like my

aunt for example has been a real blessing in my life. I would never

want her to think I don't treat her child equally and fairly I love

her whole family, even if he can be rather difficult he is still

family and the best friend to my children I don't want to lose that.

I know even the day of my sons b-day party I paid him many

compliments like that which you suggested but maybe I have to do it

radically in her face so she sees it because at this point I think

she is feeling hurt for him if that makes senses I don't really

think he is feeling hurt I think he is happy to play gets excited

and forgets his manners and the rules but I don't think he is

hurting. And you are right I do see them all the time at lease 1 -3

times a week so I better make sure to get this figured out. Thanks

again and I will see if this is just a phase or a real change in her

personality, either way I will take it and work around it. I know I

can figure it out and handle it. Thanks for the tips I will put a

more concuss effort into using them! Love Lizzy

>

> Hi, Lizzy,

>

> Oh, I was sorry to hear the update that somehow your grandma had

> gotten involved (you thought maybe your aunt had talked to her)

about

> " being kind to each others kids even if they are a challenge. "

Because

> it sounds as if, even if he is a difficult child, you do care about

> him. As you said, you have the same rules for him as for your

kids. So

> it's not a matter of you being " unkind. "

>

> I had just had another thought. Especially because, this is family

and

> you are going to be around them, right?

>

> Here's something I thought was helpful in a similar situation. This

> was a second cousin who lived far away, so we didn't see them a

lot.

> But it was one of those situations where, whenever we had a family

get

> together, her son was really wild and undisciplined, breaking the

> rules, even shoving the other kids.

>

> And his mother I think had given up on trying to discipline him.

She

> would threaten " I'll take you out of here if you don't stop! " But

he

> wouldn't stop, and she didn't take him out, so he knew the threats

> were empty. And I think she felt sorry for him, because the other

kids

> tried to avoid him etc.

>

> So me and a couple of the other (adult) cousins tried a two-part

> approach. I'm not saying it turned his life around, but it ended up

> making family get-togethers a little less tense and chaotic. The

first

> part was we really tried extra-hard (I mean, above and beyond, you

> know?) to pay him some positive attention. That was hard to do

when he

> was mouthing off and shoving our kids and breaking toys and

ignoring

> the rules much of the time. (I remember one time I told him it was

> time for all the kids to pick up toys, and he just sat there and

> glared at me and then spat a watermelon seed at me. Grrr! The

> little...) Sometimes there really wasn't any good behavior to

attend

> to, so we tried to latch onto anything, like, " Wow, you sure have a

> lot of energy! I wish I could run like that! Can you run to the

picnic

> table and bring us some napkins? " Then smile and thank him for

> bringing napkins.

>

> Then, the second part was, it was easier for the host(ess) to

enforce

> the house rules with him, maybe because he felt more a part of our

> family group, instead of a little outlaw that everyone dreaded to

see.

> " In my house, everyone gets one chance to go inside to get a toy.

Then

> we play outside. " If telling him the rules wasn't working, his mom

> seemed more agreeable to step in, perhaps because she saw we (the

> adults) were trying extra-hard to include him in a positive way.

>

> This little cousin really ticked everyone off, so I don't want to

> sound like Miss Merry Sunshine. This didn't turn him into an angel,

> but it made the family get-togethers a little easier for everyone.

>

> Janie

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Lizzy,

Wow, it really sounds like you are doing whatever can be done, from

your side of things. And hopefully like you said, your aunt is just

going through a phase. It must be very hard and draining to be the mom

of such a challenging child. Maybe lately she is taking out some of

the stress on other people, rather than on her son. That doesn't make

it " right " of course, but maybe that means your hope is correct, that

this is a temporary situation in her life!

Yes I agree too, when we lose our family, the remaining family is all

the more precious.

Well, I'm thinking good thoughts for you in this situation!

Janie

[Guest guest]

Lizzy that sucks! Your aunt is sounding nutty and maybe you need some

space from her. And as for the car, I'd file a police report if the

scratches seem to be on purpose--you can't pin it on the neighbor now,

but if/when she gets caught acting cookie in the future, they'll have

nice long list of subjects to bring up with her (it happenned in my

neighborhood growing up).

Sorry you had such a bad day. But just remember, not everyone is

completely bonkers like the people you had to deal with today.

Trish

>

> Hey all, So yesterday was a really bad day. I love my aunt you all

> know that she is my mentor. I really love and look up to her but

> yesterday she was under my skin from the word go. She came over in

> the morning to celebrate my sons b-day w/ me. I told her the school

> was having the kids all get flu shots and they were doing them all

> for free@ the school. She started on about she would never let her

> kids get them that leads to Alzheimer's if you have 7 or more in a

> life time and yada yada. Then the whole time she is playing favorite

> to her oldest child GRRRRR, there were 3 other children my 2 her she

> has 2 why play favorites to just her 1? She was talking in a

> different voice to just him asking him 400 ??? And giving 4000

> kisses and letting him do things the other kids couldn't like run in

> and out of MY house a million times I don't want that because it is

> lady bug and box-elder bug season here and I don't want them in my

> house. So I bent down to her child's eye level and I said " look me

> in the eyes stop running in and out of my house so much no more

> trading toys " (because that is what he was doing) at which point she

> snapped at me " I already talked to him! " . Then he wanted another toy

> a minute later so my aunt went out there and was being manipulative

> another thing I just hate. She told her son to ask my son to go

> inside and get him a toy because my son had not come in the house

> yet for anything. So when my son came in and I told him this was his

> 1 chance to get something he told me he was getting it for his

> cousin and then cousin said his mom said to do that. Well then my

> aunt felt stupid because she was caught and my son felt bad for

> being manipulated. I thought this was so wrong and so immature on

> her part. I asked her what was her issue and why was she acting so

> strangely. She said she thinks her son gets the short end of the

> stick because he has a difficult personality and she is going to

> make up for it. Personally I think if your kid is a brat and you

> don't stop the behaviors but do the opposite and encourage the

> behaviors and spoil the child nobody will like your kid and when

> they grow up they will have major problems. How do you think people

> become bpb or npd? Her kid is often the bully he is demanding and

> never wait his turn. I.E. my son was first in line to get a drink

> her son pushed him she let her son go and told my son that ok just

> wait a minute. I thought no that's not ok. Then her kid didn't let

> go of the handle and she was thanking him. I would have told my kid

> to wait your turn and if they didn't let go of the handle I would

> have said Move it or lose it! He always interrupts (gee I wonder

> where he gets it from his mom is worse than him in that aspect I

> can't get a word in edge wise) SO instead of encouraging and feeling

> bad maybe if your kid acts like that you should find a way to change

> that and work around that so other people will like your kid and

> enjoy being around him to. I just didn't understand her thought

> posses. I think she feels bad because for once he is being bullied

> at school by somebody else instead of being the bully. Well what

> goes around comes around. She just didn't seem like herself

> yesterday she has never been like that before. It was sad for me

> because it was supposed to be a b-day party for my kid and that was

> how it turned out. Then on top of it both the 2 gift she bought my

> son her son broke one of the toys and her daughter lost a part of

> his other toy. It was just a hard day.

> Then dh bought a new car, we had to park it out side because the

> epoxy is still drying in the garage. It was brand new just off the

> delivery truck 2007 and when we woke up this morning there were

> scratches all over the drivers door. I am sure it was the crazy

> neighbor. They are pretty deep but I hope we can just get them

> buffed out. I wasn't crazy about buying this car to start with and

> this just makes it worse. But in a way I kind of want to go buy

> another new car now to just to rub it in her face! I am so pissed

> off. I just hope the rest of the day is better. I am going to my

> sons school to celebrate and hopefully the day will take a turn for

> the better. Sorry to vent so long. I just had such a bad day and

> that wasn't even the half of it. I really don't mean to be Debbie

> Downer I just had to get that off my chest and like I said I love my

> aunt she was just not acting like herself yesterday. Thanks for

> listening. Love Lizzy

>

[Guest guest]

Greg,

Your explanation was very helpful to me. I seem to still be

cleaning my 'emotional house', and I am finding myself in situations

where I am starting to realize how other people in my life are

violating boundaries. It is like, once we 'see the light' in

relation to our nada, that light starts to shine on other

relationships as well. I find myself in uncomfortable situations,

not willing to accept the boundary violation, but unable to bring it

to the offender's attention (a BIG holdover from my 'nada days'),

and also feeling the void that will be created if the friendship

comes to an end.

You post really helped clarify what is happening in my life.

Take care,

Sylvia

>

> Lizzy,

>

> I hope this is wrong, but as I read your post, I kept thinking

about your aunt as if she was a bull in a china closet that day.

And as you know from your own experience, kids act out often what

their parents are or aren't doing.

>

> After I got my nada out of the way, I started to notice the

boundry violations and etc. from certain life long friends. When I

reminded them of the boundaries, and they continued to break them, I

let them go. After I did this, I started to remember things that my

mind surpressed that were inappropriate/not supportive in a

relationship. I really didn't want these friends to not be a part

of my life, but I couldn't stand being mistreated by anyone any

more.

>

> Take good care,

>

> Greg.

>

>.......

[Guest guest]

Trish, Greg and Sylvia, Thanks all of you for the replies. And Trish

I think I will take some time and cool down on the amount of time we

spend together. I will post this in a little bit here but I just got

my first letter from nada in months my nerves are shot and I can't

take just one more thing I am shaking as I try to type. I think

separating from all things that are not genital at the moment is a

good idea. She is very supportive when it comes to my mom if fact

she is on my top 3 supporters aside from this list it is my husband

grandma and aunt who support me more than anybody. So Now I will

have to work this problem out a little differently. Greg, I know

what you said could be true, she has been saying lately with my age

I just speak my mind and I don't care anymore. But sometimes what

she says can be harsh. The fact that I love her so much and she is

so supportive and my best friend it is hard to say anything. I

really love her and like her we have fun together we can do fun

things together that other people might not like doing. We laugh at

the same stupid humor and love all the same girly things like tea

parties and designer parfums but yet if one of calls the kids yard

apes we bust a gut laughing. So when she starts to talk like this

or act like this it is really hard to see almost like I don't know

that person. Sylvia, you hit it on the head how I feel in many

situations when you wrote " I find myself in uncomfortable situations,

not willing to accept the boundary violation, but unable to bring it

to the offender's attention (a BIG holdover from my 'nada days'),

and also feeling the void that will be created if the friendship

comes to an end " Anyways, Like I said it was just the last time I

hope she never does it again. I think a break will be easy Our

schedules make it hard to get together we have preschool and play

dates and work on opposite days so for us we work around that to get

together maybe for a couple weeks we just don't have to work around

it and see if she is still on that kick after the break. Thanks

again. I will let you know if anything more happens Love Lizzy

> >

> > Lizzy,

> >

> > I hope this is wrong, but as I read your post, I kept thinking

> about your aunt as if she was a bull in a china closet that day.

> And as you know from your own experience, kids act out often what

> their parents are or aren't doing.

> >

> > After I got my nada out of the way, I started to notice the

> boundry violations and etc. from certain life long friends. When

I

> reminded them of the boundaries, and they continued to break them,

I

> let them go. After I did this, I started to remember things that

my

> mind surpressed that were inappropriate/not supportive in a

> relationship. I really didn't want these friends to not be a part

> of my life, but I couldn't stand being mistreated by anyone any

> more.

> >

> > Take good care,

> >

> > Greg.

> >

> >.......

>

[Guest guest]

Lizzy,

Something about your post caught me attention.

You said:

" The fact that I love her so much and she is so supportive and my

best friend it is hard to say anything. "

I think that if a person is your best friend, you should be able to

talk to them about anything. Course, I can't quite make myself act

that way. When my best friend upsets me, she generally figures out

what she did before I even do, and she always apologizes. On the

rare occasions that she doesn't realize she's upset me, I know I can

tell her and she'll do whatever she can to make it better. And it

works the other way, too. I understand feeling hesitant to let her

know she's hurt you. I think it's one of my fleas. I know I put alot

of pressure on myself to be the perfect friend/ girlfriend/

roommate/ whatever and in my mind, perfect means no complaints,

nothing to improve, etc., etc. Probably got that from nada.

Anyways. Just wanted to share that. Anybody else know what I mean?

Neko Jaimie

[Guest guest]

Neko, That is true I should be able to talk to her openly and she

should be responsive. I guess I am working to hard to please. Which

is why some down time will not be a bad idea, some time to step back

and collect my thoughts. You are right I should not be scared to

share how I feel about this. I did try to say something that day but

the answer I got was very defensive. I think this calls for a break.

Love lizzy

>

> Lizzy,

> Something about your post caught me attention.

>

> You said:

>

>

> " The fact that I love her so much and she is so supportive and my

> best friend it is hard to say anything. "

>

> I think that if a person is your best friend, you should be able

to

> talk to them about anything. Course, I can't quite make myself act

> that way. When my best friend upsets me, she generally figures out

> what she did before I even do, and she always apologizes. On the

> rare occasions that she doesn't realize she's upset me, I know I

can

> tell her and she'll do whatever she can to make it better. And it

> works the other way, too. I understand feeling hesitant to let her

> know she's hurt you. I think it's one of my fleas. I know I put

alot

> of pressure on myself to be the perfect friend/ girlfriend/

> roommate/ whatever and in my mind, perfect means no complaints,

> nothing to improve, etc., etc. Probably got that from nada.

>

> Anyways. Just wanted to share that. Anybody else know what I mean?

>

> Neko Jaimie

>