Re: Childhood 'hell' surfacing

[Guest guest]

I would just not answer the phone if jay calls. or tell him once a

week is all the time you have and answer only once. And dont give him

your cell phone number. Tell him you cant because you will be

working.. or is that the chicken way.

maybe it isnt that easy.

When i was growing up my brothers room was in the basement.

I think it was cold and cruel looking back. but i guess thats a story.

maybe there is more privacy in a basement.

Some how i would feel better if you lived in a regular bedroom and i

dont know why. What difference does it make really?

You could live in a mansion and be unhappy.

My parents bought a 3 bedroom house and my sister and i had our own

rooms and my brother only had the basement it was a walk out basement

but a basement never the less. I dont think it was fair

IT felt like he was unwanted.

HE now takes care of our mom and has my room.

Hes very much needed and wanted now. My mom couldnt live alone.

Im sure he has had painful stories around his childhood

but i dont think he would admit it .. we rarely talk.

HAVe you read those dave pelzer books the boy called it. and the others..

he over came the worst child abuse.

In some cases i think it is the unwanted children who do better in

life than the spoiled ones. I suppose that is a story.

And i dont know you were unwanted.. you were wanted as the one your

mom could take her anger out on.

I read a book on oprah years ago and she had to sleep on the porch

while her sister got to sleep inside. when she lived with her mom..

than she left to live with her dad and things were better.

just some thoughts.

Its not where you live that is the problem but it is always the

thoughts running .. i realize that.

I suppose you have done the work on your mom.

KAtie said she did the work on her mom for three years or something

like that.

love, roslyn

-- In Loving-what-is , " " wrote:

>

> It's 3:40 am in the morning, and I'm reliving some of the hell I went

> through as a child. I know it's not how would have me think, but

> it's where I am right now. In my head anyway.

>

> Was doing a worksheet regarding a guy who I've been writing to in

> prison, and I shared my phone number with him, and he asked how often

> he could call, and I said, oh once or twice a week. But afterwards I

> thought I'd be happier with one scheduled time a week, so wrote him

> and said to just call me Wednesday evenings. But he's been calling

> nearly every day. I don't accept the calls (they're collect

> calls)except for the Wednesday night call, but I'm really bothered by

> them. I thought it wouldn't be an issue anymore when I start my

> carnival job, as he can't call my cell phone collect. But he says he

> can get a phone card and call me. And I don't want to give him my

> cell phone number, cuz I don't want to keep getting so many calls. And

> this is so fucking ironic cuz I struggle with not getting many calls

> from friends.

>

> Anyhow, my turnaround from 'Jay is needy' was 'I am needy.' And I am,

> around needing privacy. Around people respecting my space/boundaries.

>

> And thoughts are arising, from when I was about 4-7 years old, and had

> to share a bedroom with one of my brothers. I have three older

> brothers, and when we lived on the farm, my two oldest brothers each

> got their own bedrooms, but I shared a room with my youngest brother.

> And somewhere I'd taken on the thought that seeing or being seen by

> someone of the opposite sex was 'bad.' And it was really uncomfortable

> many times sharing a room with a boy, when I believed that thought. I

> still believe it to some extent.

>

> And then our family moved into a two bedroom house, and I slept on the

> living room couch for several months. I didn't mind that too much, I

> was only in 3rd grade. But when they built an addition on the house,

> they put the washer and dryer in my bedroom! I still find that

> astounding when I think of it. And my mother had no qualms about

> walking into my room without knocking at any time of day to do

> laundry, even if it was 7am on a Saturday. And if I got upset, or

> even looked annoyed or angry about it, I'd get hit and called names.

> Kids get to sleep in during weekends and summers - is that true? Well,

> not in my case. Parents should knock before entering their kids

> rooms? see aforementioned.

>

> I couldn't say no, or I'd get hit or called names. So I didn't say no.

> I'm house/pet sitting for parents and before they left, I was sleeping

> downstairs, in an unfinished basement, concrete walls and floors,

> uncovered ceiling. That wasn't too bad, cold, but I can handle that.

> But several times my mom would walk in without knocking, and it really

> bothered me, even though I wasn't doing anything that I didn't want

> her to see. I just really want her, really want others to respect my

> privacy.

>

> So I'm doing the work, but just stuck part-way into the questioning

> stage. Or maybe I'm just where I need to be. I'm kinda scared to let

> go of this, won't I start just walking into where ever I want to,

> whenever I want to, if I no longer believe privacy is important? I

> want to be able to set boundaries, but won't that lead to unhappiness

> when people don't respect them?

>

> So anyway, guess I'm inviting all of you into the privacy of my

> thoughts. And I'll stop suffering around this at some point, when I

> let go.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Dear ,

thank you so much for sharing this! The things you wrote about your

childhood reminds me of my own childhood, not getting privacy, not

being respected. And I´m also familiar with the fear before doing

the Work on something. My experience after doing the Work for 2

years, is that I have become more peaceful when it comes to others

saying no to me. It has nothing to do with a story of privacy being

important or not. It has to do with me being kind to me, and in the

extension, to them. Because when I argue with others need

of " privacy " , it hurts.

And I have also noticed how much easier it is for me today to say

no, or ask for what I want. And the problem only begins when I have

a story that reality (people) should do as I say. Without that story

I can just say " thank you for asking and no " or ask for another

room, and if people say no to me I can still be peacefull and choose

to move out or ask someone else. I don´t blame anyone else but take

responsibility for my own situation.

I think this is really worth looking into ! So that you will

have experience of your own.

Love you,

>

> It's 3:40 am in the morning, and I'm reliving some of the hell I

went

> through as a child. I know it's not how would have me think,

but

> it's where I am right now. In my head anyway.

>

> Was doing a worksheet regarding a guy who I've been writing to in

> prison, and I shared my phone number with him, and he asked how

often

> he could call, and I said, oh once or twice a week. But afterwards

I

> thought I'd be happier with one scheduled time a week, so wrote him

> and said to just call me Wednesday evenings. But he's been calling

> nearly every day. I don't accept the calls (they're collect

> calls)except for the Wednesday night call, but I'm really bothered

by

> them. I thought it wouldn't be an issue anymore when I start my

> carnival job, as he can't call my cell phone collect. But he says

he

> can get a phone card and call me. And I don't want to give him my

> cell phone number, cuz I don't want to keep getting so many calls.

And

> this is so fucking ironic cuz I struggle with not getting many

calls

> from friends.

>

> Anyhow, my turnaround from 'Jay is needy' was 'I am needy.' And I

am,

> around needing privacy. Around people respecting my

space/boundaries.

>

> And thoughts are arising, from when I was about 4-7 years old, and

had

> to share a bedroom with one of my brothers. I have three older

> brothers, and when we lived on the farm, my two oldest brothers

each

> got their own bedrooms, but I shared a room with my youngest

brother.

> And somewhere I'd taken on the thought that seeing or being seen by

> someone of the opposite sex was 'bad.' And it was really

uncomfortable

> many times sharing a room with a boy, when I believed that

thought. I

> still believe it to some extent.

>

> And then our family moved into a two bedroom house, and I slept on

the

> living room couch for several months. I didn't mind that too much,

I

> was only in 3rd grade. But when they built an addition on the

house,

> they put the washer and dryer in my bedroom! I still find that

> astounding when I think of it. And my mother had no qualms about

> walking into my room without knocking at any time of day to do

> laundry, even if it was 7am on a Saturday. And if I got upset, or

> even looked annoyed or angry about it, I'd get hit and called

names.

> Kids get to sleep in during weekends and summers - is that true?

Well,

> not in my case. Parents should knock before entering their kids

> rooms? see aforementioned.

>

> I couldn't say no, or I'd get hit or called names. So I didn't say

no.

> I'm house/pet sitting for parents and before they left, I was

sleeping

> downstairs, in an unfinished basement, concrete walls and floors,

> uncovered ceiling. That wasn't too bad, cold, but I can handle

that.

> But several times my mom would walk in without knocking, and it

really

> bothered me, even though I wasn't doing anything that I didn't want

> her to see. I just really want her, really want others to respect

my

> privacy.

>

> So I'm doing the work, but just stuck part-way into the questioning

> stage. Or maybe I'm just where I need to be. I'm kinda scared to

let

> go of this, won't I start just walking into where ever I want to,

> whenever I want to, if I no longer believe privacy is important? I

> want to be able to set boundaries, but won't that lead to

unhappiness

> when people don't respect them?

>

> So anyway, guess I'm inviting all of you into the privacy of my

> thoughts. And I'll stop suffering around this at some point, when I

> let go.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Roslyn,

Thank you thank you thank you

for all the posts you've directed my way.

Hearing that did the work on her mom for three years for some

reason helps me a huge amount.

I actually haven't done much directly around my mom. Nor around my

upbringing, though things do emerge when I do work on current stuff.

Anyway, again I thank you and wish you well.

Regarding Jay calling; I was reading something recently (not )

about me having drawn a circle, and I put things inside the circle,

those things I like/accept/love, etc, but I put lots outside the

circle, and those are things I say no to. So it isn't about when

Jay calls, it's about me putting 'Jay calling whenever he wants to'

outside the circle. But I'm to love everything, so the pain is cuz

I don't love it. Ultimately this experience is a gift, and if I

keep doing the work, I'll see that.

Yeah, I read Pelzer's books. Wow, wow. And yet it's all just a

story.

[Guest guest]

> >

> > It's 3:40 am in the morning, and I'm reliving some of the hell I

went

> > through as a child. I know it's not how would have me

think, but

> > it's where I am right now. In my head anyway.

> >

> > Was doing a worksheet regarding a guy who I've been writing to in

> > prison, and I shared my phone number with him, and he asked how

often

> > he could call, and I said, oh once or twice a week. But

afterwards I

> > thought I'd be happier with one scheduled time a week, so wrote

him

> > and said to just call me Wednesday evenings. But he's been

calling

> > nearly every day. I don't accept the calls (they're collect

> > calls)except for the Wednesday night call, but I'm really

bothered by

> > them. I thought it wouldn't be an issue anymore when I start my

> > carnival job, as he can't call my cell phone collect. But he

says he

> > can get a phone card and call me. And I don't want to give him

my

> > cell phone number, cuz I don't want to keep getting so many

calls. And

> > this is so fucking ironic cuz I struggle with not getting many

calls

> > from friends.

> >

> > Anyhow, my turnaround from 'Jay is needy' was 'I am needy.' And

I am,

> > around needing privacy. Around people respecting my

space/boundaries.

> >

> > And thoughts are arising, from when I was about 4-7 years old,

and had

> > to share a bedroom with one of my brothers. I have three older

> > brothers, and when we lived on the farm, my two oldest brothers

each

> > got their own bedrooms, but I shared a room with my youngest

brother.

> > And somewhere I'd taken on the thought that seeing or being seen

by

> > someone of the opposite sex was 'bad.' And it was really

uncomfortable

> > many times sharing a room with a boy, when I believed that

thought. I

> > still believe it to some extent.

> >

> > And then our family moved into a two bedroom house, and I slept

on the

> > living room couch for several months. I didn't mind that too

much, I

> > was only in 3rd grade. But when they built an addition on the

house,

> > they put the washer and dryer in my bedroom! I still find that

> > astounding when I think of it. And my mother had no qualms about

> > walking into my room without knocking at any time of day to do

> > laundry, even if it was 7am on a Saturday. And if I got upset,

or

> > even looked annoyed or angry about it, I'd get hit and called

names.

> > Kids get to sleep in during weekends and summers - is that true?

Well,

> > not in my case. Parents should knock before entering their kids

> > rooms? see aforementioned.

> >

> > I couldn't say no, or I'd get hit or called names. So I didn't

say no.

> > I'm house/pet sitting for parents and before they left, I was

sleeping

> > downstairs, in an unfinished basement, concrete walls and floors,

> > uncovered ceiling. That wasn't too bad, cold, but I can handle

that.

> > But several times my mom would walk in without knocking, and it

really

> > bothered me, even though I wasn't doing anything that I didn't

want

> > her to see. I just really want her, really want others to

respect my

> > privacy.

> >

> > So I'm doing the work, but just stuck part-way into the

questioning

> > stage. Or maybe I'm just where I need to be. I'm kinda scared

to let

> > go of this, won't I start just walking into where ever I want to,

> > whenever I want to, if I no longer believe privacy is important?

I

> > want to be able to set boundaries, but won't that lead to

unhappiness

> > when people don't respect them?

> >

> > So anyway, guess I'm inviting all of you into the privacy of my

> > thoughts. And I'll stop suffering around this at some point,

when I

> > let go.

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

-Dear MAry ,

I was listening to a katie cd and she said something about boundaries

i cant repeat it exactly but the gist of it was this..

if you love what is it doesnt mean you have to give in to others

demands. IF someone asks for my clothes i say no .A no to them is a

yes to me.. another time it might be a yes to them is also a yes to

me.. depending on the situation of course. And when i heard that i

remembered your problem with JAy and the phone calls.. a no to him is

a yes to you.. like maria said thank you for asking and no. Is

appropriate .

Im sure you have that figured out anyway but i thought that was

interesting . Pardon me for being in your business.

love,roslyn

-- In Loving-what-is , " " wrote:

>

>

>

> Dear ,

> thank you so much for sharing this! The things you wrote about your

> childhood reminds me of my own childhood, not getting privacy, not

> being respected. And I´m also familiar with the fear before doing

> the Work on something. My experience after doing the Work for 2

> years, is that I have become more peaceful when it comes to others

> saying no to me. It has nothing to do with a story of privacy being

> important or not. It has to do with me being kind to me, and in the

> extension, to them. Because when I argue with others need

> of " privacy " , it hurts.

>

> And I have also noticed how much easier it is for me today to say

> no, or ask for what I want. And the problem only begins when I have

> a story that reality (people) should do as I say. Without that

story

> I can just say " thank you for asking and no " or ask for another

> room, and if people say no to me I can still be peacefull and

choose

> to move out or ask someone else. I don´t blame anyone else but take

> responsibility for my own situation.

> I think this is really worth looking into ! So that you will

> have experience of your own.

>

> Love you,

>

> >

> > It's 3:40 am in the morning, and I'm reliving some of the hell I

> went

> > through as a child. I know it's not how would have me

think,

> but

> > it's where I am right now. In my head anyway.

> >

> > Was doing a worksheet regarding a guy who I've been writing to in

> > prison, and I shared my phone number with him, and he asked how

> often

> > he could call, and I said, oh once or twice a week. But

afterwards

> I

> > thought I'd be happier with one scheduled time a week, so wrote

him

> > and said to just call me Wednesday evenings. But he's been

calling

> > nearly every day. I don't accept the calls (they're collect

> > calls)except for the Wednesday night call, but I'm really

bothered

> by

> > them. I thought it wouldn't be an issue anymore when I start my

> > carnival job, as he can't call my cell phone collect. But he says

> he

> > can get a phone card and call me. And I don't want to give him my

> > cell phone number, cuz I don't want to keep getting so many

calls.

> And

> > this is so fucking ironic cuz I struggle with not getting many

> calls

> > from friends.

> >

> > Anyhow, my turnaround from 'Jay is needy' was 'I am needy.' And I

> am,

> > around needing privacy. Around people respecting my

> space/boundaries.

> >

> > And thoughts are arising, from when I was about 4-7 years old,

and

> had

> > to share a bedroom with one of my brothers. I have three older

> > brothers, and when we lived on the farm, my two oldest brothers

> each

> > got their own bedrooms, but I shared a room with my youngest

> brother.

> > And somewhere I'd taken on the thought that seeing or being seen

by

> > someone of the opposite sex was 'bad.' And it was really

> uncomfortable

> > many times sharing a room with a boy, when I believed that

> thought. I

> > still believe it to some extent.

> >

> > And then our family moved into a two bedroom house, and I slept

on

> the

> > living room couch for several months. I didn't mind that too

much,

> I

> > was only in 3rd grade. But when they built an addition on the

> house,

> > they put the washer and dryer in my bedroom! I still find that

> > astounding when I think of it. And my mother had no qualms about

> > walking into my room without knocking at any time of day to do

> > laundry, even if it was 7am on a Saturday. And if I got upset, or

> > even looked annoyed or angry about it, I'd get hit and called

> names.

> > Kids get to sleep in during weekends and summers - is that true?

> Well,

> > not in my case. Parents should knock before entering their kids

> > rooms? see aforementioned.

> >

> > I couldn't say no, or I'd get hit or called names. So I didn't

say

> no.

> > I'm house/pet sitting for parents and before they left, I was

> sleeping

> > downstairs, in an unfinished basement, concrete walls and floors,

> > uncovered ceiling. That wasn't too bad, cold, but I can handle

> that.

> > But several times my mom would walk in without knocking, and it

> really

> > bothered me, even though I wasn't doing anything that I didn't

want

> > her to see. I just really want her, really want others to respect

> my

> > privacy.

> >

> > So I'm doing the work, but just stuck part-way into the

questioning

> > stage. Or maybe I'm just where I need to be. I'm kinda scared to

> let

> > go of this, won't I start just walking into where ever I want to,

> > whenever I want to, if I no longer believe privacy is important? I

> > want to be able to set boundaries, but won't that lead to

> unhappiness

> > when people don't respect them?

> >

> > So anyway, guess I'm inviting all of you into the privacy of my

> > thoughts. And I'll stop suffering around this at some point, when

I

> > let go.

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

MAry.

thank you thank you thank you back.

If Jay calls you dont have to answer

Loving isn't about putting yourself second.

accepting calls would not be kind to yourself.

Is that about loving or about preferences?

Mona had something about that on her website.. about shoulds. and

about feeling you should answer the phone when your mother calls and

you dont want to talk to her. her website it letsdothework

I think Mona does the work with prisons and she might have other

advise.

love,roslyn -

-- In Loving-what-is , " " wrote:

>

> Roslyn,

>

> Thank you thank you thank you

> for all the posts you've directed my way.

>

> Hearing that did the work on her mom for three years for some

> reason helps me a huge amount.

>

> I actually haven't done much directly around my mom. Nor around my

> upbringing, though things do emerge when I do work on current stuff.

>

> Anyway, again I thank you and wish you well.

>

> Regarding Jay calling; I was reading something recently (not )

> about me having drawn a circle, and I put things inside the circle,

> those things I like/accept/love, etc, but I put lots outside the

> circle, and those are things I say no to. So it isn't about when

> Jay calls, it's about me putting 'Jay calling whenever he wants to'

> outside the circle. But I'm to love everything, so the pain is cuz

> I don't love it. Ultimately this experience is a gift, and if I

> keep doing the work, I'll see that.

>

> Yeah, I read Pelzer's books. Wow, wow. And yet it's all just a

> story.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

MAria.. I love that you have gotten so clear and loving by doing the

work.

i guess i avoid the work and just read about it instead.. and i know

i should get busy..

thanks for the inspiration.,love,roslyn

In Loving-what-is , " " wrote:

>

>

> > >

> > > It's 3:40 am in the morning, and I'm reliving some of the hell

I

> went

> > > through as a child. I know it's not how would have me

> think, but

> > > it's where I am right now. In my head anyway.

> > >

> > > Was doing a worksheet regarding a guy who I've been writing to

in

> > > prison, and I shared my phone number with him, and he asked how

> often

> > > he could call, and I said, oh once or twice a week. But

> afterwards I

> > > thought I'd be happier with one scheduled time a week, so wrote

> him

> > > and said to just call me Wednesday evenings. But he's been

> calling

> > > nearly every day. I don't accept the calls (they're collect

> > > calls)except for the Wednesday night call, but I'm really

> bothered by

> > > them. I thought it wouldn't be an issue anymore when I start my

> > > carnival job, as he can't call my cell phone collect. But he

> says he

> > > can get a phone card and call me. And I don't want to give him

> my

> > > cell phone number, cuz I don't want to keep getting so many

> calls. And

> > > this is so fucking ironic cuz I struggle with not getting many

> calls

> > > from friends.

> > >

> > > Anyhow, my turnaround from 'Jay is needy' was 'I am needy.' And

> I am,

> > > around needing privacy. Around people respecting my

> space/boundaries.

> > >

> > > And thoughts are arising, from when I was about 4-7 years old,

> and had

> > > to share a bedroom with one of my brothers. I have three older

> > > brothers, and when we lived on the farm, my two oldest brothers

> each

> > > got their own bedrooms, but I shared a room with my youngest

> brother.

> > > And somewhere I'd taken on the thought that seeing or being

seen

> by

> > > someone of the opposite sex was 'bad.' And it was really

> uncomfortable

> > > many times sharing a room with a boy, when I believed that

> thought. I

> > > still believe it to some extent.

> > >

> > > And then our family moved into a two bedroom house, and I slept

> on the

> > > living room couch for several months. I didn't mind that too

> much, I

> > > was only in 3rd grade. But when they built an addition on the

> house,

> > > they put the washer and dryer in my bedroom! I still find that

> > > astounding when I think of it. And my mother had no qualms about

> > > walking into my room without knocking at any time of day to do

> > > laundry, even if it was 7am on a Saturday. And if I got upset,

> or

> > > even looked annoyed or angry about it, I'd get hit and called

> names.

> > > Kids get to sleep in during weekends and summers - is that

true?

> Well,

> > > not in my case. Parents should knock before entering their kids

> > > rooms? see aforementioned.

> > >

> > > I couldn't say no, or I'd get hit or called names. So I didn't

> say no.

> > > I'm house/pet sitting for parents and before they left, I was

> sleeping

> > > downstairs, in an unfinished basement, concrete walls and

floors,

> > > uncovered ceiling. That wasn't too bad, cold, but I can handle

> that.

> > > But several times my mom would walk in without knocking, and it

> really

> > > bothered me, even though I wasn't doing anything that I didn't

> want

> > > her to see. I just really want her, really want others to

> respect my

> > > privacy.

> > >

> > > So I'm doing the work, but just stuck part-way into the

> questioning

> > > stage. Or maybe I'm just where I need to be. I'm kinda scared

> to let

> > > go of this, won't I start just walking into where ever I want

to,

> > > whenever I want to, if I no longer believe privacy is

important?

> I

> > > want to be able to set boundaries, but won't that lead to

> unhappiness

> > > when people don't respect them?

> > >

> > > So anyway, guess I'm inviting all of you into the privacy of my

> > > thoughts. And I'll stop suffering around this at some point,

> when I

> > > let go.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

>