Re: Gridlock

[Guest guest]

Hello Tao,

I can relate to what you're saying here. My wife left many years ago and

here story was that the cost of being in relationship with me outweighed the

benefit. Isn't that always the core reason when someone leaves? Then again,

if it is, doesn't that say something about why we are in relationship in the

first place? I think real love goes beyond the results at the bottom of a

balance sheet.

" Ego's don't love; they want something. " -bk

For me, there was a period of waking up to the " horror " of the truth; the

truth that these things, these relationships, I had invested meaning into

were fundamentally meaningless, or rather that the meaning I perceived was

something I had put there. I remember moments where I would feel as if I had

just awakened inside of my life. It was disconcerting to wonder where I had

been previously, when I thought I was awake. That's all beside the point

though.

The real point is that what we call our waking life is but a dream. We

become invested in the dream. We believe that the characters in the dream

are real. Not only are they real, they can come and go; they can even DIE!

We become attached to the particular form our dream has. Then one day there

is a reckoning where we are forced to realize that it was not real. I have

been blessed to have that rug pulled out from under me over and over again,

and it has provided for me stability in change. But this isn't about me and

I feel like I've been rambling around what I wanted to communicate. I'll try

again.

When we attach to being a character in a dream... attached to other

characters and then when things change we can be upset and feel threatened

for the safety or happiness of our character. What if you never were the

character? What if you are far bigger than any character or group of

characters? What if you are the context within which dreams take place? It's

a lot harder to generate a believable story of loss from there.

The despair you feel is appropriate when there is a perceived loss. I would

look into the truthfulness of the loss. You came into this world with

nothing. Finding yourself with less than you had three years ago isn't so

bad. You can do this. You still have your precious Self, and last I checked

there is no shortage of people to love and be loved by. The most important

person for me to love is me, but then a close second is the person in front

of me. And maybe they only seem to be separate.

Bless you sweetheart. You're fine. There's just a little coming back to

reality going on.

Loving what is, and that would be you,

Carson Boyd

Message: 1

Date: Thu, 30 Mar 2006 18:39:34 -0000

Subject: Gridlock after Divorce

How can one move on?? I have been separated 2 years and divorced 1

year. The settlement is tied up with the courts and my wife has

successfully alienated my children and received control over most of

the family assets. All her allegations were found to be invalid and

thrown out of court, but after 14 months and after the divorce was

final. Now I am trying to move on, but I find my self stuck in moping

and just not applying myself to my writing or my vocation, which is

buying and selling houses. I meditate and find bliss at times, but

then the apathy rolls over me and I sit and accomplish little for days

at a time. I have read 's book several times, but I am stuck.

Any help out there???

[Guest guest]

That was lovely, . It really speaks to me and reminds me of what

I know, but forget sometimes. Thank you.

>

> Hello Tao,

(snip)

> I feel like I've been rambling around what I wanted to communicate.

I'll try

> again.

>

> When we attach to being a character in a dream... attached to other

> characters and then when things change we can be upset and feel

threatened

> for the safety or happiness of our character. What if you never

were the

> character? What if you are far bigger than any character or group of

> characters? What if you are the context within which dreams take

place? It's

> a lot harder to generate a believable story of loss from there.

>

> The despair you feel is appropriate when there is a perceived loss.

I would

> look into the truthfulness of the loss. You came into this world

with

> nothing. Finding yourself with less than you had three years ago

isn't so

> bad. You can do this. You still have your precious Self, and last I

checked

> there is no shortage of people to love and be loved by. The most

important

> person for me to love is me, but then a close second is the person

in front

> of me. And maybe they only seem to be separate.

>

> Bless you sweetheart. You're fine. There's just a little coming

back to

> reality going on.

>

> Loving what is, and that would be you,

>

> Carson Boyd

>

>

>

> Message: 1

> Date: Thu, 30 Mar 2006 18:39:34 -0000

>

> Subject: Gridlock after Divorce

>

> How can one move on?? I have been separated 2 years and divorced 1

> year. The settlement is tied up with the courts and my wife has

> successfully alienated my children and received control over most

of

> the family assets. All her allegations were found to be invalid

and

> thrown out of court, but after 14 months and after the divorce was

> final. Now I am trying to move on, but I find my self stuck in

moping

> and just not applying myself to my writing or my vocation, which is

> buying and selling houses. I meditate and find bliss at times, but

> then the apathy rolls over me and I sit and accomplish little for

days

> at a time. I have read 's book several times, but I am

stuck.

> Any help out there???

>

[Guest guest]

Dear , thank you for sharing!

> Hello Tao,

>

> I can relate to what you're saying here. My wife left many years

ago and

> here story was that the cost of being in relationship with me

outweighed the

> benefit. Isn't that always the core reason when someone leaves?

Then again,

> if it is, doesn't that say something about why we are in

relationship in the

> first place? I think real love goes beyond the results at the

bottom of a

> balance sheet.

I want to go inside of me and ask myself, why do I want to be with

?

Is it because he fulfill my needs?

No, cause when he is around me, he is so honest and lives his

integrity.

Is it because he is a good lover?

I don't know that yet, but I know that when there is love involved,

Going to bed with him, when the time is right would be making love,

not having sex.

Is it because he is a good looking?

It helps, I truly enjoy just watching him, but I love what he

reflects out,

The personality of his that comes out threw his eyes...

Is it him having money and being supportive of me?

Well, when I was there, he didn't think he should pay for me

And it was ok

I kind of love him unconditionally, I kind of want him to be who he

is

I kind of want to share myself with him, and enjoy his presence

I kind of have no expectation on how he SHOULD do things

The only story I had in mind is that he should touch me more, like

you would all think that that is story true, if you would see how I

look ;-)

is my greatest teacher for loving what is, cause that is how he

lives.

I want to be with him, he inspire me to be more loving.

The good part is that it is mutual and he loves me the way I am too

DOnt you think it is a good basis for a relationship?

I think so,

Thank you god for sending to my life

Just looking at him is so much fun

He has an amazing smile!

Do you think I am in love?

T