Re: Into the wild

[Guest guest]

Hi , I know very well what it's like to feel unworthy of being

accepted and loved. It's one of the big challenges I'm still facing

and it isn't easy. It's hard to believe that someone would love me

when I'm not perfect; when the parents told me I was so many bad

things; and when I believed those lies from them for so many years. I

was brainwashed, and fearful of even trying to find real love. I

didn't think I was worth it. For me, those beliefs began to change

when I began to change in some specific ways.

First was losing 150 lbs. permanently. My family was big into keeping

everyone 'fat and down on the farm' so others wouldn't give them

attention-that was a threat to them. So I faced my fear and unzipped

my fat suit. That was 4 years ago, and it wasn't until 2 years ago I

finally accepted myself in my thin body. It was a hugely liberating

step and a tool for confidence I'd never had in my life.

Second was finding out who I really was and what made me happy. I

couldn't do that as long as they were in control of my choices. I let

that continue for too long, and denied getting to know the true

e because I was too busy trying to earn their acceptance in

whatever ways they dictated as acceptable. It was only possible once

I found confidence that I was worth having my own choices and free to

make them.

Third was allowing a man to get close to my heart. Someone I was

willing and able to make the choice to trust. Someone that I let know

the real me. That's pretty scary when you don't know the real you or

when you were never acceptable as you were. But it was a risk I

wanted to take because I wanted to love someone and be loved in a

healthy way. I knew I deserved it, that I had a lot of love to give,

and that I would be happier if I took the risk. Scary risk, but high

reward I figured. I was right

Now I only allow positive, honest and real people into my life. I

have no room for people that remind me of or act like my family. They

were toxic, and I think I've gotten a benefit from having those

toxins in my life before. It gives me a very strong ability to

discern new toxic people and I'm motivated to kick them to the curb.

No room for sick, negative or controlling jerks in my life. bleh.

Now a lot of this was lonely stuff. Hard stuff. I'm not sure where it

all came from, other than to think somewhere inside me I loved myself

enough to believe in myself. That's got to be what started it,

because the self-worth never came from them. Breaking free from them

was the only way I could have ever begun this journey. I didn't know

all this then, but I'm learning more and more as I go. I didn't

believe it before when people told me I was a good person, that I was

very intelligent, that I was beautiful, that I have a kind heart,

that I have a lot of other qualities that I just didn't let myself

see in myself. I could only see those qualities when I took a look at

the mirrors that good people are in life. People can mirror back

good things, and its much better than the sick negative ones that

were surrounding me for so long in life.

I think you're already on your Journey . The separation from

nada, the rage you're allowing yourself to feel, getting to do what

you like and what feels good, all those things are taking care of

and not the sick person that keeps hurting you. You aren't the

person that she told you that you were. You are your own person, and

you can be healthy in spite of the sickness you have endured. You can

recover and be whole. I too have thought I was defective, but I'm

working on that one right now. Its hard to let myself not be perfect,

but then I never WAS perfect! heh, but I sure had myself sold on the

concept

I hope that hearing someone who's on the same Journey helps, because

that's why I've written this.

e

[Guest guest]

Brilliant e,

Your a kind person to tell me what I needed to her right now, it moved

my world. I'm glad to be in the company of such great people as your

self. Thank you, for being you.

>

> Hi , I know very well what it's like to feel unworthy of being

> accepted and loved. It's one of the big challenges I'm still facing

> and it isn't easy. It's hard to believe that someone would love me

> when I'm not perfect; when the parents told me I was so many bad

> things; and when I believed those lies from them for so many years. I

> was brainwashed, and fearful of even trying to find real love. I

> didn't think I was worth it. For me, those beliefs began to change

> when I began to change in some specific ways.

>

> First was losing 150 lbs. permanently. My family was big into keeping

> everyone 'fat and down on the farm' so others wouldn't give them

> attention-that was a threat to them. So I faced my fear and unzipped

> my fat suit. That was 4 years ago, and it wasn't until 2 years ago I

> finally accepted myself in my thin body. It was a hugely liberating

> step and a tool for confidence I'd never had in my life.

>

> Second was finding out who I really was and what made me happy. I

> couldn't do that as long as they were in control of my choices. I let

> that continue for too long, and denied getting to know the true

> e because I was too busy trying to earn their acceptance in

> whatever ways they dictated as acceptable. It was only possible once

> I found confidence that I was worth having my own choices and free to

> make them.

>

> Third was allowing a man to get close to my heart. Someone I was

> willing and able to make the choice to trust. Someone that I let know

> the real me. That's pretty scary when you don't know the real you or

> when you were never acceptable as you were. But it was a risk I

> wanted to take because I wanted to love someone and be loved in a

> healthy way. I knew I deserved it, that I had a lot of love to give,

> and that I would be happier if I took the risk. Scary risk, but high

> reward I figured. I was right

>

> Now I only allow positive, honest and real people into my life. I

> have no room for people that remind me of or act like my family. They

> were toxic, and I think I've gotten a benefit from having those

> toxins in my life before. It gives me a very strong ability to

> discern new toxic people and I'm motivated to kick them to the curb.

> No room for sick, negative or controlling jerks in my life. bleh.

>

> Now a lot of this was lonely stuff. Hard stuff. I'm not sure where it

> all came from, other than to think somewhere inside me I loved myself

> enough to believe in myself. That's got to be what started it,

> because the self-worth never came from them. Breaking free from them

> was the only way I could have ever begun this journey. I didn't know

> all this then, but I'm learning more and more as I go. I didn't

> believe it before when people told me I was a good person, that I was

> very intelligent, that I was beautiful, that I have a kind heart,

> that I have a lot of other qualities that I just didn't let myself

> see in myself. I could only see those qualities when I took a look at

> the mirrors that good people are in life. People can mirror back

> good things, and its much better than the sick negative ones that

> were surrounding me for so long in life.

>

> I think you're already on your Journey . The separation from

> nada, the rage you're allowing yourself to feel, getting to do what

> you like and what feels good, all those things are taking care of

> and not the sick person that keeps hurting you. You aren't the

> person that she told you that you were. You are your own person, and

> you can be healthy in spite of the sickness you have endured. You can

> recover and be whole. I too have thought I was defective, but I'm

> working on that one right now. Its hard to let myself not be perfect,

> but then I never WAS perfect! heh, but I sure had myself sold on the

> concept

>

> I hope that hearing someone who's on the same Journey helps, because

> that's why I've written this.

> e

>

[Guest guest]

Aww...man does that compliment feel good, and thank you, I needed that

today

e

P.S. As an objective third party, and an old wise woman to boot, your

mom was full of shit when she filled your head with thoughts of you

being unattractive. Ladies? Am I right or am I right?

>

> Brilliant e,

>

> Your a kind person to tell me what I needed to her right now, it moved

> my world. I'm glad to be in the company of such great people as your

> self. Thank you, for being you.

>

>

[Guest guest]

, awesome! I feel like I reaped some of the theraputic benefit

of your trek into the woods just by reading your account of it. You go!

Also, I'm happy for you as you realize all the (ridiculous) lessons

your nada taught you in the past and start to unlearn them. It's

funny how it doesn't really matter how irrational and absurd these

things are. They can still hurt a lot if you don't unlearn them as an

adult--and knowing they are irrational is not the same as unlearning!

You are doing excellent work and have inspired me to go back into the

mountains alone myself--although I think I've worked through much of

the rage, someties a long walk in the woods can really help you get

over things. I spent a lot of my childhood and adolescence hiding out

in wilderness areas--up trees or whatever. It provides me with a great

sense of safety.

Trish

>

> Hey guys,

>

> Hope you're all having a nice weekend! I went to the woods and am

> forever changed. Kidding, no it was awesome! I hiked deep into Smokey

> Mountain National park. I hiked for a few hours passing people on

> horse back or blokes just coming off the Appalachian trail after

> months of hiking down from Maine to Tennessee(yeah,they looked tired),

> a few stared at me funny because I had a back pack with a golf club

> sticking out of it. That was weapon of rage and an old pillow as my

> nada. As I walked down the winding path I found myself less concerned

> with the nice people passing by or the beautiful stream that was

> always by my side. I had been feeling this building rage that has

> been going on for weeks possibly my whole life with her, I was just

> aware of it know. I walked harder, scanning for my spot to lay the

> beating down. I found the perfect place a few hundred yards off the

> trail down in a berm. To get there was not easy; I had to cross a

> rapid with rocks across it. I hopped from rock to rock some with moss

> and such. I jumped on this very slick rock and lost my footing. I feel

> in. The water was bitter as ice all the way up to my knees. The frigid

> water woke me up, I laughed at how I had got myself into this. I

> finally made my way in the berm. I thought of this rage that has been

> beating me up for years, I had never stood up to her nor have I showed

> her how angry I was for her taking up so many years of my life and

> would be unknowingly stuck in her web. I thought of the beautiful

> children and wife that I may have right now if I wasn't so fucked up!

> Oh, I got mad! I showed her now how I felt. I beat the shit out of a

> pillow for a half n'hour and screamed, no tears though. I looked

> around then began my walk out. I felt like the popular saying of a 800

> lbs. standing the chest; this was no more. On the way back I felt lost

> because not one thing looked at was familiar, I didn't remember most

> the beautiful stream on the way there. Then I realized the water falls

> and yetes were right there the whole time, I just had not noticed them

> because of my focus and contemplation. Knowing the road and walking

> are two completely different things: I know that I have to be

> assertive with people and do what’s best for me and not worry about

> making sure everything is ok with everyone else or avoiding conflict.

> Otherwise I'll carry those burdens and make a lot trips into the wild

> to beat a pillow. I made phone calls once I out of the park, family,

> friends. They noticed a great change in me; even though that didn't

> know why I went into the woods. I think its confidence restored that’s

> what they've noticed, I feel it all throughout my body. I feel like I

> have the power to see through the fleas in my head, I know they're not

> real.

>

> My going out to the woods unlocked some pent up things.

> I had a deep sleep last night and when I woke, I knew why I've been

> suffering for so long with my self image. My mother crammed into my

> head the idea that all dark haired people are stupid and evil. I know

> this sounds ridiculous, but honestly since I was 4-5yrs. old, I can’t

> remember a day going by without my mother saying “typical burnet

> bitch, god their wicked†or something along that line. Both my brother

> and sister are blond haired blue I eyed folks; my mother is also. My

> father and I have dark features. After my father left, it grew worse.

> My sister, Aunt Joan and my father were individuals that nada was

> always at odds with. My mother always acknowledged that fact that my

> sister was smart but she was evil to nada so she doesn’t count in the

> burnet category. My Dad and Aunt Joan however both have dark hair and

> she will grind her teeth and rage at those two people until the day

> she dies. Since, they both people headed for the hills, who was left?

> Me. She loved me ancestrally and I was the only that stayed but she

> made sure that I would feel her wrath and never leave her. I always

> felt different. I would ask my mom as a boy “if dark haired people are

> stupid and ugly than what am I?†she’d remark that “you are

different

> because you are mine and your hair is not burnet it’s brown.†What

> the hell is that? Other times, she would yell at me, saying that I was

> going to grow to be fucking loser or do I want everybody in class

> saying dahhhh! is fucking retarded. I was in third grade. A few

> years back I read about the brown eyes blue eyes experiment, this did

> effect how well children did in academics, social situations etc.. The

> ones that believed they were dominant terrorized the other demographic

> beating them up and had expectations to be rewarded on appearance

> only. The others fell by the wayside. My confidence fell by the

> wayside. My brother or sister never felt superior, they have always

> encouraged me, and they just had this confidence that I didn’t. Nada

> would introduce me as her youngest and “the shy oneâ€. But I grew up

> with the notion that my sister was evil and my brother was my hero.

> Not good childhood roles. So I was given the sentiment that they were

> superior in a passive aggressive way (which is the worst for a KO) I

> felt stupid and wouldn’t feel good lookn’ or well dressed until she

> said so. My brother-n-law grew and I grew out or facial hair for a

> clean shave the morning of his wedding and my mother told me I looked

> like a homeless person. I never thought of this before because I

> thought every child goes through this tuff love stuff (making excuses

> for her).I’d spend entire summers indoors because my self imagine

> plummeted so low because I felt so inadequate among my very popular

> friends. My mother would make excuses for this and say that “I’m the

> sensitive one of the family and that I suffer from a bout of

> depression.†No this dynamic was really messed up and will take years

> for me to realize my full potential. My voice was never heard because

> of my low self-worth, I’m awakening. This realization is next week’s

> therapy.

>

> Thanks for being there,

>

>

>