Re: Family Party, all hearies but me...

[Guest guest]

Caren, that is awful what happened to you. Im sorry to hear that. I have been in

rude situations but that was really uncalled for. It sounds to me lie the

person

who said that doesn't have much of a conscious. What you could avedone waswhen

your hubby signed what was being said, was you could have spoke up with an

" Excuse me? " Then ignore the sister inlaw and talk to the person who you were

being introduced and tell you yes it hard, but maybe that person knew

fingerspelling or surly they could jot a few lines down. Just let them know you

are human. Hold that head high!

NYPeAcHGrL@... wrote:

> From: NYPeAcHGrL@...

>

> I got really offended this saturday, we had a party at our summer house, lots

> of pauls family there and was supposed to be a nice time....

>

> my sister in law introduced me to someone, i dont even know who it was, but

> she said oh caren is deaf just wave and say hi its too hard to communicate

> with her....(my hubby signed to me what she said thats how i knew) I got so

> pissed off i just went in the house for the day and tried to avoid her.

>

> how do i deal with this situation?? no i dont lipread all too good but theres

> pen and paper...

>

> still feeling hurt over this

> caren

[Guest guest]

Oh boy, Caren--this is a tough one...

Initial reaction is of course to get mad... mostly

being hurt. I know in reading about your experience

I'm angry that your sis in law would be that rude...

I am hopeful she just suffered a temporary lapse of

civility. Was the liquor flowing freely? I can't

imagine... she had to have seen signing for you.

Do you have a decent relationship with her usually?

Or is she one of those cold-hearted people?

Anyway, around my family, I may not be in on

everything, but they are pretty good at introducing me

at least (although they may mention that I am deaf,

they do not discourage people from talking to me). If

my brother in law had made a comment like that about

me, I would be infuriated, though. but I probably

wouldn't even know he had said it since I don't get

the sign in-put. (although my sister would probably

knock him on his keister if she heard him say it)

My advice to you (as an outsider here) is to clear

this up through communication... I laugh at myself as

I say this because it seems the answer is always in

communication and that's why we think it's so hard.

If she doesn't think you`re worth it, write her off.

Obviously thinks you're worth it... maybe confide

in him (or perhaps he was as angered as you by his

sister's comment).

Big thing: we cannot control how other people treat

us or whether they decide we're " worth " their effort

to meet us in communication. These situations catch

us off-guard and our defenses come out... and these

end up hurting us more than giving us long-term

satisfaction. What I try to do in frustrating

situations is control the thing I can control... my

reaction.

********changing orientation... Maybe we go through a

stage where the sarcssm and such seem justifiable (I'm

addressing multiple posts at once here), but I think

it eventually gets to a point where we prefer

connecting with people and reaching a mutual

understanding rather than dismissing them as ignorant

(if we expect others to view us as intelligent and

worthwhile people, we have to treat them that way,

too). I agree, it is a bit frustrating for people to

talk to me like I'm dense, but who is to say that it

is not my interpretation of them that makes it seem

that way rather than them intentionally projecting

that?

With parties, there are usually at least a few people

that are patient and fun...

find them and hang with them ... What works for

me... not really to talk to people, but to have a good

time... I just relax, take in the experience. I've

seen this process where when I leave myself open to

things rather than trying to force them, they happen

naturally. Kind of cool and keeps me happy (which

is what it's all about)!

My love to you.

--- NYPeAcHGrL@... wrote:

> From: NYPeAcHGrL@...

>

> I got really offended this saturday, we had a party

> at our summer house, ....

> how do i deal with this situation?? no i dont

> lipread all too good but theres

> pen and paper...

_________________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

I agree, make the sister-in-law feel like sh-t. You should have went up to

the person and said, " Just ignore my sister-in-law, she's not up on her

social graces. "

Mikey A in Pittsburgh

At 04:15 PM 7/5/99 +0000, you wrote:

>

>

>Caren, that is awful what happened to you. Im sorry to hear that. I have

been in

>rude situations but that was really uncalled for. It sounds to me lie the

person

>who said that doesn't have much of a conscious. What you could avedone

waswhen

>your hubby signed what was being said, was you could have spoke up with an

> " Excuse me? " Then ignore the sister inlaw and talk to the person who you were

>being introduced and tell you yes it hard, but maybe that person knew

>fingerspelling or surly they could jot a few lines down. Just let them

know you

>are human. Hold that head high!

>

>NYPeAcHGrL@... wrote:

>

>> From: NYPeAcHGrL@...

>>

>> I got really offended this saturday, we had a party at our summer house,

lots

>> of pauls family there and was supposed to be a nice time....

>>

>> my sister in law introduced me to someone, i dont even know who it was, but

>> she said oh caren is deaf just wave and say hi its too hard to communicate

>> with her....(my hubby signed to me what she said thats how i knew) I

got so

>> pissed off i just went in the house for the day and tried to avoid her.

>>

>> how do i deal with this situation?? no i dont lipread all too good but

theres

>> pen and paper...

>>

>> still feeling hurt over this

>> caren

>

>

[Guest guest]

>

>Oh boy, Caren--this is a tough one...

>Initial reaction is of course to get mad... mostly

>being hurt. I know in reading about your experience

>I'm angry that your sis in law would be that rude...

>I am hopeful she just suffered a temporary lapse of

>civility.

Caren,

I am curious as to how your husband reacted. My wife would have torn her a

new one, haha. My wife has a bigger chip on her shoulder than I do, I

think. If someone asks her a question that pertains to me, she point-blank

tells them, " Ask him yourself! He's standing right there! "

In my opinion, you have two choices: you can ignore her (the one that said

that about you), in which case your anger will only fester, or you can call

her on it. Next time you see her, find some way to bring it up. Be honest,

and don't pull punches. Let her know she was rude and disrespectful; if

you don't, she won't realize it, and she'll do it again.

Just my opinion.........

[Guest guest]

caren, just an after thought on my part but maby sis in law thinks her pal

cant write and thats why she told them to just wave ,i bet though that in her

shallowness she belives every body else to be the dumb one and not her

you know what thay say about sh... and stupidity bouth flot to the serface

and stink realy bad lol like the others told ya hun keep your head up

cuse you are real and she is not byby 4 now alice

[Guest guest]

I'm just gonna give my thoughts real quick on this....I'm really good about

if someone is being rude - escpecially family - just NAIL them on it right

then and there....you catch them off guard and it makes them think about the

next time. People dont think or realize - even though they should - until

its a blunt object that hits them in the head most of the time.

-Earl E.

[Guest guest]

Or have a talk with her and tell her how you felt. Mad, hurt, humiliated.

Don't yell at her or anything. Do it in a calm manner. Instead of saying,

" you made me.... " or using " You " , use " I statements " " I felt mad,hurt, etc

at the party when I was introduced to so and so. "

In my humble opinion, I think you should talk to her about it so it won't

happen again.

Just trying to help...

Mark

----Original Message Follows----

Reply-To: NF2_Crewonelist

To: <NF2_Crewonelist>

Subject: Re: Family Party, all hearies but me...

Date: Mon, 5 Jul 1999 17:41:07 -0500

>

>Oh boy, Caren--this is a tough one...

>Initial reaction is of course to get mad... mostly

>being hurt. I know in reading about your experience

>I'm angry that your sis in law would be that rude...

>I am hopeful she just suffered a temporary lapse of

>civility.

Caren,

I am curious as to how your husband reacted. My wife would have torn her a

new one, haha. My wife has a bigger chip on her shoulder than I do, I

think. If someone asks her a question that pertains to me, she point-blank

tells them, " Ask him yourself! He's standing right there! "

In my opinion, you have two choices: you can ignore her (the one that said

that about you), in which case your anger will only fester, or you can call

her on it. Next time you see her, find some way to bring it up. Be honest,

and don't pull punches. Let her know she was rude and disrespectful; if

you don't, she won't realize it, and she'll do it again.

Just my opinion.........

[Guest guest]

You stud pony! =)

(my favorite line, " it's too loud in here lets go out in my truck and talk " ).

That'll do it.

Well,anyhow,what I'm trying to suggest is you round up afew people,who

know sign language,invite your sister in law,and go somewhere LOUD.I

think that would open her eyes.

Mark

[Guest guest]

Caren,

I agree with Earl. The only way she won't do it again is if you tell

her. She probably didn't even think it was rude. (After you explain why I

REALLY hope she thinks about it again!)

BTW I packed away a bag full of M & M's on my trip, haven't finished

them all yet ) I think you're recovery technique is pretty slick )

Hugs and let us know how you get this resolved with her,

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 7/6/99 12:58:36 PM Eastern Daylight Time, Misha64@...

writes:

<< BTW I packed away a bag full of M & M's on my trip, haven't finished

them all yet ) I think you're recovery technique is pretty slick ) >>

told ya they cure it all!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks everyone for the private and public replies to what happened, to

answer some questions...

Yes, alcohol was flowing freely around, thus some blame goes to that

My husband didnt really say anything and i didnt have the chance since hes

not all that good at signing (enough to communicate but def. not interpret)

and there were ALOT of people there so i just let it go

that sister in law is moving to kentucky next week so i really dont have to

worry about it but she knows now how hurt that comment made me feel....

anyway thanks again for your support, i just needed someone to tlak to i felt

like I was the only one that things like that happen to

*hugs*

caren

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 7/6/99 1:39:28 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

HandsomeJimmy@... writes:

<< Well,anyhow,what I'm trying to suggest is you round up afew people,who

know sign language,invite your sister in law,and go somewhere LOUD.I

think that would open her eyes. >>

actually i did something similar to this before, i had my college roomie come

home with me for thanksgiving, one night i said, i wanted to show my family

what its like, so we sat there for a long time signing back and forth without

voice, someone would ask what are yous tlaking about, andlike they did to me

" oh its nothing really just talkin about school " and theyd be

clueless.....this helped alot at the time but has worn off....i also did that

to paul a few times when he came to visit at school....he quickly understood

how i felt..

i always have pen and paper with me and when ig o out to the clubs with my

hearing friends, is wear we use the whole notebook in one night!!!!!!!!

caren

[Guest guest]

Caren,

" talk to her " yeah...yeah..yeah.In some areas,I think hearing people are

the deaf ones .If your sister in law in close minded,she would only be

humoing you by listening to your complaint,and her thoughs would be

along the lines of " Oh she can be so sensitive " ,as if your the

problem,not her.

I do have a suggestion.Set her up to experience what deafness is like.

Once my sister went to a club with several hearing friends.My sister

was the only deaf one,so she brought pen and paper to communicate,but

the music was so loud that

all her friends needed to use it to " talk " to each other.Even guys used

it to hit on them(my favorite line, " it's too loud in here lets go out in

my truck and talk " ).

Well,anyhow,what I'm trying to suggest is you round up afew people,who

know sign language,invite your sister in law,and go somewhere LOUD.I

think that would open her eyes.

Jimmy

ps No my sister didn't go,atleast that was her story,and she smacked me

for even asking,HA

[Guest guest]

At 02:16 PM 7/6/99 EDT, you wrote:

>From: NYPeAcHGrL@...

>

>In a message dated 7/6/99 12:58:36 PM Eastern Daylight Time, Misha64@...

>writes:

>

><< BTW I packed away a bag full of M & M's on my trip, haven't finished

> them all yet ) I think you're recovery technique is pretty slick ) >>

>

>told ya they cure it all!!!!!!!!!!

>

>Thanks everyone for the private and public replies to what happened, to

>answer some questions...

>

>Yes, alcohol was flowing freely around, thus some blame goes to that

>

>that sister in law is moving to kentucky next week so i really dont have to

>worry about it but she knows now how hurt that comment made me feel....

>

>*hugs*

>caren

>

>

Oh good Caren,

I'll have some of my cousins down thar, take her behind the woodshed and

have a nice green switch(branch) to paddle her buns(ass) with.

Mikey A in Pittsburgh

[Guest guest]

Alice,

I had a landlord many years ago who didn't want to communicate (or so it

seemed). Other than that, he always helped whenever I had a problem. I

always brought a pad and paper when I went to see him because I could never

lip-read this guy. The cigarette he always had in his mouth did not help

either! I had the choice to ask him to write out his words or take the

stupid cigarette out of his mouth. I always asked him to write because I

thought a comment about the cigarette may offend him. Well, just before I

moved out, I found out he could not write! And you guessed it, he helped me

on moving day too!

About the sister-in-law, my view is that it is OK for her to just wave and

refuse to write anything. However, to suggest to someone else that this type

of behavior is appropriate is absolutely inexcusable! It may be best to let

the situation pass because the other person should know the sister-in-law

has a few nuts and bolts missing.

>From: Davesgrl65@...

>

>caren, just an after thought on my part but maby sis in law thinks her pal

>cant write and thats why she told them to just wave ,i bet though that in her

>shallowness she belives every body else to be the dumb one and not her

>you know what thay say about sh... and stupidity bouth flot to the serface

>and stink realy bad lol like the others told ya hun keep your head up

>cuse you are real and she is not byby 4 now alice

>

>

[Guest guest]

Earl,

I don't think this approach would work well with me. I find it's better to

think about the situation for a bit and try to analyze what happen. If you

" just NAIL them on it right then and there " you risk the possibility that it

was just a communication problem. We are not always 'right' and don't

forget, most people do not understand deafness. Anyone overhearing may not

see what the fuss is about. The sister-in-law case seems pretty clear cut

and the 'Nail' would likely do a good job. However, the next one may

backfire. If 9 nails work and 1 does not, the bad one could cause a lot of

harm. If I did this, I would make a lot of enemies and make them fast.

>From: PuppyYawn@...

>

>

>I'm just gonna give my thoughts real quick on this....I'm really good about

>if someone is being rude - escpecially family - just NAIL them on it right

>then and there....you catch them off guard and it makes them think about the

>next time. People dont think or realize - even though they should - until

>its a blunt object that hits them in the head most of the time.

>

>-Earl E.

>

>

[Guest guest]

HI FRANK, PLEASE FORGIVE ME I DID NOT MEAN ANY THING UGLY TWARDS THE FOLKS

WHO TRULY CANT WRITE MY DAD HAS A 3RD GRADE EDUCATION SO I DIDNT MEAN TO

OFFEND THE FOLKS WHO DONT KNOW HOW OR CANT WRITE VERY WELL. I DONT ALWAYS

THINK BE FOR I SPEEK. I WAS VERY ANGRY FOR CAREN AND WHAT WAS DONE TO HER

AND I LOVE THE CREW SO MUCH NOW THAT I KINDA TAKE THINGS LIKE THAT A LIL

PERSONAL.I VIEW ALL OF YOU AS MY FAM NOW AND I ALSO HAVE WHAT CAN BE CALLED

A BAD HABIT AT TIMES OF TRING TO BE BIG SIS OR MOM TO FOLKS I CARE FOR , LET

THAT BE A LESTON FOR ME HUH BY THE BY IM GLAD YOU HAD SUCH A GREAT LAND

LORD, NOT MANY WOULD DO ALL THAT FOR SOME ONE ELSE ITS ALL WHATS IN THE HEART

ALICE

[Guest guest]

Hi Alice,

Please don't apologize for anything!! What I was trying to point out is that

we often assume everyone can write but this is not true! People who appear

not to want to write are perhaps embarrassed that they can't. I have a good

friend who was initally embarrassed because his spelling was bad. I just

told him the write the word as it sounds. He writes all the time now but I

have to admit, I chuckle inside when I see some of the words. This is silly

on my part becase he is a great friend and my spelling is on the poor side too.

>From: Davesgrl65@...

>

>HI FRANK, PLEASE FORGIVE ME I DID NOT MEAN ANY THING UGLY TWARDS THE FOLKS

>WHO TRULY CANT WRITE MY DAD HAS A 3RD GRADE EDUCATION SO I DIDNT MEAN TO

>OFFEND THE FOLKS WHO DONT KNOW HOW OR CANT WRITE VERY WELL. I DONT ALWAYS

>THINK BE FOR I SPEEK. I WAS VERY ANGRY FOR CAREN AND WHAT WAS DONE TO HER

>AND I LOVE THE CREW SO MUCH NOW THAT I KINDA TAKE THINGS LIKE THAT A LIL

>PERSONAL.I VIEW ALL OF YOU AS MY FAM NOW AND I ALSO HAVE WHAT CAN BE CALLED

>A BAD HABIT AT TIMES OF TRING TO BE BIG SIS OR MOM TO FOLKS I CARE FOR , LET

>THAT BE A LESTON FOR ME HUH BY THE BY IM GLAD YOU HAD SUCH A GREAT LAND

>LORD, NOT MANY WOULD DO ALL THAT FOR SOME ONE ELSE ITS ALL WHATS IN THE HEART

> ALICE

>

>