Re: confession

[Guest guest]

---

Mother Id love to meet you..

I will miss your emails.. I hope you have time to check in here

occasionally.

I would love to work by a lake.

Think of me in 110 degree weather. boo hoo. I have to up hold my

debbie downer identity.

love, roslyn

In Loving-what-is , " " wrote:

>

>

> > >

> > > I don't shop much (well, my mind does a lot of shopping for what it

> > > wants and doesn't want), but I had almost $500 in cash from my

> > > carnival job, and wanted to buy some shoes and underwear for my new

> > > job which will be waitressing in Washington state area.

> > >

> > > I suffered a lot while shopping, suffered when I saw my rolls of fat

> > > while trying on endless bras, suffered when the dressing room

> > > attendant told me I couldn't try on the packaged underwear (which I

> > > fuckin already knew!) after I let her know I was going in to try on

> > > bras. Suffered when I judged as wrong the prices of the shoes ($50+

> > > for most of the ones I was considering for good support).

> > >

> > > So when I got to the checkout lane, I grabbed some junk food. I

guess

> > > in a way I was loving myself, giving myself candy because I was

scared

> > > and wanted to soothe my fears. In the long run it makes my weight

> > > issue worse but in the short run I forgot about my problem.

> > >

> > > I also am trying to suppress my thoughts/feelings on returning

to this

> > > job I worked at around 5 years ago. I've put on quite a bit of

weight

> > > since then. I can still do the job fine, but thoughts/fears start

> > > arising about what's gonna go through their minds when they see how

> > > much I've gained. Maybe I could just be thinking thoughts of how

great

> > > it is to see them instead.

> > >

> > > Then I went to another store to look for birthday card for my dad. I

> > > walked in and saw Mother's Day cards and was reminded that's

> coming up.

> > > Am I the only person in the world who hasn't had a lovingly perfect

> > > relationship with their parents? Every frickin card was about how

> > > perfect mom/dad are/were, how they were always there for me, always

> > > loving me, how they're the best parents, how much I appreciate

having

> > > them as roll models, and on and on. One said 'any man can be a

father,

> > > it takes a special one to be a dad.' Maybe I should have gotten that

> > > one, it's true, even if I do see him as a father rather than a dad.

> > >

> > > Kinda made me sick. But it was my thinking that's sick. I wish they

> > > had a 1-800 number posted in the card section, where a person could

> > > call and get support for their family-of-origin issues that get

> > > nudged. I know I'm not the only one who goes through this. Maybe I

> > > could start something like that 1-800 number, but it'd be a 1-900

> > > business and I could make lots of money like my parents. And then I

> > > could buy a card saying how much like them I turned out to be.

> > >

> > > I finally found a card for my dad that said I hope he has a

happy day

> > > on his birthday, and every other day. That one speaks my truth.

> > >

> > > So when I got the card, I grabbed some more junk food (I never did

> > > find a Mother's Day card that said something that didn't feel like a

> > > lie) and took my purchases out to the truck and sat there and ate my

> > > chips and looked at my clothing purchases and just felt sad and

> alone.

> > >

> > > My mom took a picture today of me with their dog by some of her

> > > flowers. I look so fat! I look huge! If I had the computer

> > > capabilities, I'd post it for you all to see.

> > >

> > > Tami, my friend Jay who you think looks like he wants to kill you,

> > > he's met me (once) and he didn't say I was ugly or fat or

nothing like

> > > that. He wanted me to visit him again.

> > >

> > > Maybe it's my thoughts that are fat and ugly. wouldn't see me

> > > as ugly.

> > >

> > > The majority of Americans are overweight per someones standards.

I bet

> > > I'm not the only one today who grabbed junk food cuz shopping raised

> > > up unexamined thoughts.

> > >

> > > I'm gonna go do a worksheet or two now. Thanks for reading this far.

> > >

> > > Fat Head

> > >

> >

>