Guest guest Posted April 17, 2006 Report Share Posted April 17, 2006 Dear Single mom! Grrrr I am kind of in love with (in the good way) And I want to say to you: Sweetheart, if you want to make a move on him without asking me first please wash your hands first, cause he likes to lick figures And one more thing, dear *single* mom Please tell me that you are happily married cause I am sooo jealous! Love and Grrr T > > Wow, . Ok, I've read this reply several times and I'm just amazed with all the dense goodness in it! I don't know where to begin in my response to you, other than to say that I deeply THANK YOU for offering your insights. And, yes, I meant poignant in a good way - the way that means touching, powerful, potent. > > When I got to this part, quoted below, I laughed so hard I cried for about 10 minutes straight: > > > Well, you may want to tell him: " sweetheart, if you want to go through my drawers without asking, please wash your dishes. Otherwise I don't feel ok with it. " > > > > Oh my, that was very funny. > > > Ok, so yeah - I want to do The Work online. Where, online, do you do The Work? > > > > > > > > wrote: > Dear , > > >> Am 14.04.2006 um 21:19 schrieb VitalHarvest: > >> > >>> Hi all. My name is and I'm new to the group. > >>> > >>> I am wondering if anyone in this group is a parent to young > >>> children, that could possibly relate to my situation. > >> Yes, they are 4 and 7. > > I'm sure you know a lot about what I'm saying, then. > I do. And it doesn't matter. > > > >>> I find that some of my issues as a single mother have posed > >>> especially difficult challenges to the theories of The Work. > >> The work is practice. Not theory. Attempts to " understand " the work > >> are fruitless. And futile. > >> > >>> While I am able to do The Work to help myself feel more ok about > >>> the predicaments I face, I find that I'm still frequently > >>> overwhelmed with the tasks of doing Everything by myself. How can > >>> I feel ok and accepting about being the only one doing everything > >>> by myself to meet two young people's needs, entirely? > >> Ok, list their needs you are taking care of. Let's start with that. > > - Feed them EVERY DAY > > - Wash their dishes EVERY DAY > > - Wash their clothes EVERY DAY > > - Clean and care for their home EVERY DAY > > - Educate them EVERY DAY > > - Drive them to their classes almost EVERY DAY > > - Drive them to play dates almost EVERY DAY > > - Juggle and arrange their schedules EVERY DAY > > - Run errands to stores all over town, WITH them, to buy things > > that they need such as food, clothes, school supplies, sporting/ > > music supplies, etc. > > - Take them to the doctor when they need it > Good. > > > - Many other things that are smaller. > There is nothing " big " or " small " when it comes to beliefs. > > Pain is pain. > > So go through the list. And with each point, ask yourself: Is it true? > > I am aware that you have done the work a couple of times. And for me > it is always a beginning. Because if I really want to know the truth, > I can just not do it often enough, nor listen enough to samples, or > hear others doing it. > > And here is an example: > > the two NEED you to feed them. > - Is it true? > The answer may be yes or no. And here are some stages you might want > to sit with: > Could they do it on their own? > What would be likely to happen if you did not do it? > Who would that be most painful for? > Who do you do it for? > - Can you absolutely know that it is true? > Is there absolutely NO other way than your worst fear becoming true? > Or COULD there be another option? > Just stay with " yes " or " no " . > - How do you react when you think this thought? > And it does not matter, what you answered to the first two questions. > What happens to you, when you think the worst thing you imagine could > happen? > How do you do what you do? With joy, or with stress? > How do you treat people who don't see it your way? > How do you treat yourself, what do you experience? > - Who would you be without the thought? > How would you do, what you do? How would you feel, while feeding them? > How would you react to people who don't want to do it? > - Turn it around: they NEED you to feed them. > And just take a deep look at the turnaround, if there is a way that > it could be true for you. Sometimes. > > > >> Don't " try " to feel ok. Be honest, instead. > > This is very good guidance. I can really see the point you make > > there. So, let me ask you a question - when we're 'loving what is' > > does that sometimes mean to move on/away from someone b/c we've > > accepted the truth about us/them/our relationship together and that > > truth is that we aren't meant to be together or that our work > > together has been completed? > Well, I don't think love makes you move > > >>> The work that I do is exhausting. > >> Yes, it is. > > > >>> I am not only raising them by myself, I homeschool them as well. > >>> Their needs are tangible and in no way optional. SOMEbody has to > >>> do it (what I do for them) and it's always only me. > >> That's *very* sweet of you. I like that. You sound like a very loving > >> mother. > > Thank you, that's nice to hear. > > > > > >>> On top of that challenge, I find that it's very difficult for me to > >>> accept that their fathers (each of my two children have a different > >>> father) are so uncommitted on the various levels that they are. > >> I'd say it is even MORE difficult not to accept it. > > True, but... the conflict is the staying-married part. > > > > With my first child's father - I am at peace about his lack of > > involvement exactly b/c I'm not having a close relationship with > > him, myself. In fact, I actually feel happiness that he is so > > uninvolved b/c I get to make all the choices my way! But with my > > husband, well, I'm trying to maintain a close and loving > > relationship with him, so I feel like it's only fair that he carry > > some of the weight around here. > Yes, and when he doesn't do what you expect him to do you shut him out. > > > List all the things they are uncommited towards. > > > > > > Literally everything listed above. > Good. > > So... why? > For whom? > > >> To make things even trickier - I am married to the father of my > >> second child, but we do not live together. He is involved very > >> little in their lives. The reason we do not live together is b/c > >> he is extremely emotionally abusive. > > > > List some ways that he is. > > > > Perfect example: > > > > When I needed help and asked for it, > Ok. Go there, and look at how you did ask for help. > Did it look and sound like you would be genuinely delighted if he did > help you? > Did it look the way it would look if you would asked someone to open > the door for you? > Did you sound like you expected him to say " yes " , no matter what? > There's several ways to ask someone for help. Which one did you choose? > > > yesterday, he got defensive, aggressive and adversarial > Good. Look at how he got defensive. What did that look like? What > gestures, what words did he use? > > > (typical for whenever I ask him for anything from him, no matter > > how gently and respectfully I request it) > Give an example for when you asked for something gently and > respectfully. > > Actually, can you find one time when you asked him for something and > he did not got defensive, aggressive and adversarial? > See if can find just one. > > And the time you gave your best shot at being kind while asking for > help. Was it more gentle then what felt right for you? > > > and started beating his chest (his ego screaming) that he already > > does things with them such as play board games and that I never > > play board games with them. I felt so angry! Uh, yeah, I don't > > play board games with them - that is correct. > So, he told you the truth. > > What I hear is that you take a lot of care with the kids, with all > your heart. And the one thing you don't want to do - he jumps in. > > > HOWEVER, I do everything on the list I made, above, and more EVERY > > SINGLE DAY - none of which he does! > Did he argue with that? Did he say he was doing one of the things you > listed above? > > And, when you say " Every single day " - do you experience joy, or stress? > > > And he chooses to point out that I don't play board games with them?! > He chooses to tell the truth. > > Can you listen? > > > It's like - he doesn't ever compliment my mothering or say what a > > good job I'm doing or ANYTHING EVER along those lines (even though > > I've expressed my need for that from him) > yes. > > You NEED him to tell you what a good mother you are. > Is that true? Do you really NEED it? > I am not asking you to be spiritual, and taking a look at it, might > take some pressure from you. > > > > and yet he's perfectly willing to rub my face in the slightest > > perceived flaw in his eyes such as me not playing board games with > > them. > Yes, that's his job. My wife's job is to show me what is left. > > > I felt so unheard, so disrespected, so unloved! It really hurt > > that he'd use that as a weapon. > It hurt, because you knew he was right. > > > That's what he frequently does - uses his personal energy/power as > > a weapon. > Turn that around. > > > Another example - when I ask for things such as help from him, he > > ARGUES like crazy till I'm sorry I ever asked. Frequently, I'll > > call up another single mother friend of mine and we trade help. > > But I feel disgusted with him, afterwards, when I see how two > > highly-challenged women have to depend on each other while he just > > coasts through his sterile, controlled, childless world. Again - I > > could be at peace about it if he weren't my PARTNER, but, being > > that he IS my partner - I feel highly repulsed at these times. It > > just is disgraceful to me. > Well, if he wasn't your partner, you could just push him away. And > not think of him anymore. But because he IS your partner, he keeps > coming back. > > So what comes into your mind when you think of him in that moment? > > I hear he is living in a sterile, controlled childless world. > You are digusted. > You are highly-challenged, and he is... lazy? > He is disgraceful. > that's some of the things I hear, let's hear some more. > > > >> Doing a work on " he is emotionally abusive " , does not free him of his > >> responsibilities in any way. And it may help to take a close look on > >> how to access your freedom. > > What do you mean by this? I am especially interested in this > > part, here, that you say. I have done some work on the emotional > > abuse, already, and the truth that I've found inside me is that I > > do it to myself, too, sometimes. When I realized that, I started > > to practice behaving better toward myself. Once I started behaving > > better toward myself, I felt less attracted, less CONNECTED with > > him. I felt distant but peaceful. I think I am afraid that there > > is this truth in me that he is not who I am supposed to be with, > > romantically. > > > > On the subject of being honest instead of being 'ok' - is honest > > sometimes to turn away from? With the work - do we always have to > > stay/accept? > We don't have to stay with the work, we don't have to stay without > the work. The work helps me to get a clear mind, and to make > decisions from that place. > > So, I hear you feel more peaceful when you practice behaving better > toward yourself. That sounds appealing to me. Maybe it is more > appealing to him, as well. > > And before you can be with him romantically, you have to be with > yourself. > How does he abuse you? > He refuses to help, he starts shouting when you ask him for > something, what else? > > >>> We are trying to work on our marriage, but I find that it's very > >>> hard for me to maintain any motivation to stay married to this man > >>> when > >> > >>> he sees parenthood as primarily my obligation, > >> turn that around. > > > >>> whilst he explores hobbies and leisure interests of his own. I > >>> find that I can accept that about him and feel ok about it (while > >>> doing The Work) but only if I sever my connection with him. > >> Well, " feeling ok " is a start. And it is not nearly enough. > > > >>> He is a good person at heart and I love him - I hate to throw away > >>> the whole package b/c a part of it is bad, if you know what I mean. > >> Yes, I know what you mean. And take a closer look at the bad part. > > > >>> Sorry for the novel, folks, > >> Well, make it longer. > > Hee hee. > ... > > > wrote: > > > >> Well, you do what you do. > >> You have activities with the kids. > >> Do you do it because you think it's such a great way to live your > >> life? > > Yes - that is exactly why. I feel very, very happy with my life > > with the children and know deeply in my heart that this is what's > > right for me and them. > Wonderful. So, you live it. And what do you need him for doing > activities with the kids, when it is such a joy for you? Why do you > want him to take that away from you? > > >> The times you regret him watching TV, does it feel like a burden? > > Yes, that about sums it up. The times I'm having especially- > > challenging days, as I mentioned in my previous reply, are the days > > when I get angry that he's not helping. It's weird though how my > > mind plays tricks on me, b/c when he's around more or helping I > > sometimes feel like he's in the way or I don't like the way he does > > things (such as the artificial behavior I complained of in my > > previous reply). > Good to notice. > > Then, you want him to help, when it is a burden for you. And you want > him to be out of the way, if it's not. Or when he doesn't do it right. > Is that what you want for him? To do your leftovers? > > >> So, what is your advice for him? And why? > > To ask me frequently and openly what he can do to help. To not > > refer to spending time with the children as " watching them " as if > > he was just some babysitter or friend doing ME a favor. To be more > > active in helping out at my house when he comes over. > > > > But, mostly, I'd tell him to behave more REAL and stop feeling > > like he has to cover up who he is or pretend he's something he's > > not in his social interaction with the children. > > > > I'd like for him to do these things b/c it would improve my > > respect for him as the father of this family and feel less- > > conflicted about actually being married to him and not just co- > > parenting. > So basically, you want him to do these things, so that you feel better. > > It is not about his needs, or your kid's needs, at all. > > Next time you have an argument about this, try to write down your > thoughts as soon as you get a little space. That way, they are most > geniune, later they could be rationalized and censored. It's those > genuine thoughts you want to explore. > > Let's get closer on this you-ask-him-and-he-gets-upset-thing. Try to > give an example, or you may want to do it over the phone, or on- line. > > > > Von: VitalHarvest > > Datum: 15. April 2006 16:56:04 MESZ > > An: Loving-what-is > > Betreff: Re: Intro > > Antwort an: Loving-what-is > > > > Thanks for all of your replies, . I'm just going to go > > through them, one by one, and answer your questions. > > > > I think my biggest grudge, in response to the questions below, is > > that he doesn't spend enough time interacting with the children/ > > giving them personal attention. > Good one. He doesn't spend enough time with the kids. > It's a thought. And it's genuine. Natural. Now, when you experience > upset with it, inquire. > he is not spending enough time with the kids. The family say so. Your > friends say so. The experts say so in books and on tv. > And it is you who gets upset, so what do YOU say. It is not enough. > Is that true? > > > I don't really know why I'm complaining, to be honest, though, > You complain, because you believe what you think. When the thought > comes up that he is not spending enough time with them, and you > believe it, you get upset. No matter what he does. > > > b/c when he DOES spend time with them he has these weird artificial > > behaviors so that, even though he is sweet and playful, he is not > > behaving as his sincere self, oftentimes. I thought that his > > sweetness was enough, until I noticed that our son was mimicking > > that behavior in his own play with his peers: he would behave in > > ways that were not his genuine self when with his little playmates > > b/c he had learned from his daddy that that's what you do in social > > situations. > > > > So, I guess there's a part of me that is wanting him to be > > involved less with the children, when he behaves that way. (There > > are ALSO times in which his behavior is genuine in playing with the > > children - at those times, I feel like an ass for ever turning off > > to him/being intolerant of him.) > Well, that's probably because you are. > Not always. Just sometimes. > > > I think, to answer you other question, that what would improve > > would be my respect for him - more than anything else. > And who cares for your respect? > > > I'm sorry these thoughts and feelings are so messy and all- over- > > the-place. It's all pretty complex, I suppose. > I believe you are! It doesn't feel good, does it? > > And it's as complex as you make it. Take it slowly, one bite at a time. > > > I think I narrowed it down in a previous reply in which I > > mentioned that I feel very attracted to him on some levels and > > repulsed by him on others - and that I want to do the work on those > > things in which I feel repulsion towards. > > > > And what should I do on those days when things are challenging/ > > hectic moreso than usual and I call him up and he's only half- > > listening to me b/c he's surfing the web and getting ready to watch > > TV? > Notice that he's not available for your comfort, and find another > solution. Because I learn from you, that nothing else works, but if > you try to " make " him help, you get into an argument, and look for > other solutions, then. So apart from the argument on top of the > hectic, nothing is won. And notice what thoughts come up and put them > on paper. > > > Or when he's over at our house and he acts like a 'guest' and sits > > on the couch the whole time, doesn't wash even his OWN dish, let > > alone any others, and yet feels entitled to go through my drawers > > without asking if it's ok? Those are the times I feel greatly > > repulsed. > Well, you may want to tell him: " sweetheart, if you want to go > through my drawers without asking, please wash your dishes. Otherwise > I don't feel ok with it. " > > If you want to do the work on-line, let me know how I can contact you. > > Love, > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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