Re: 5 months pregnant ADHD/NT American Wife and AS Fr...

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Just a few memories of being pregnant here ..I am NT, husband AS and we never managed to have live babies, although adopted at the end of 5 yrs of miscarriages and still births, but on the initial pregnancy announcement, Tc reacted in a very unusual way when I told him I was pregnant.

He took a rocking chair that we had at the time and sat in it in front of our open fire and rocked, staring, for 3 DAYS without communication with me.

We didn't know he had AS at that time but even for him, this was strange behaviour.

My brother came over to congratulate me (having heard the news from my mother) and wanted to take me away home with him when he saw how Tc was, but I declined and felt I should stay with Tc as he was obviously in some shock.

We had not been using contraception and accepted that a baby would be the outcome but in reality when that time came he was stunned for days then, gradually got back to 'normal' and acted as if nothing was different.

When I was in hospital having a miscarriage, I was all alone the whole time, every time I miscarried or was in labour as he just thought he 'had to go to work' come what may although he did attend scans with me and was tearful and upset when we lost our last boy at 6 months when he died in the womb. He was by this time, in his early 50's , and had hoped this pregnancy would be Ok ..at least he said this after we lost the baby.

After we had the first miscarriage, he developed depression, because he said he felt guilty for not wanting it, as if somehow this had doomed the pregnancy.

When I was in hospital with the second miscarriage, his parents brought food over to help him over the few days and he flew into a rage and banned them from coming to the house so they didn't come near after that! I think his behaviour was somewhat erratic.

I can't honestly say he reacted in any specific way in future pregnancies but when it came to adopting, he was all in agreement with it.

When we chose our soon-to-be daughter, he was delighted and the first pictures we have of her are with her asleep on him. She was 8 months old at the time when we adopted her and he helped out with her care when I asked him to.

It was only as she got older (about 3 yrs old) that he just stopped interacting with her. I felt like I was a full time 'single' mum, but when she became school age, I started work and had to work every Saturday.

Tc looked after her at home but after a few months she stopped speaking and became mute which concerned me much, so I took time off to be with her..she was about 10yrs at the time and on school summer holiday.

When I asked Tc further about how things had been at home, he told me they hadn't spoken for at least 2 months. When I expressed surprise and shock, he simply said 'I can't get along with her'.

He didn't think he owed her any further effort !!

he seemed to realte to her as if she was an adult and because she didn't always behave, he just stopped co-operating and communicating with her!

I had to give the job up and a fortnight after I was back at home full time, she started to speak again.

Needless to say she kept suggesting I divorce him and 'get a better dad' so I don't think she had bonded with him either despite my efforts to encourage them.

Then Tc started to get severe jealously over the relationship she did have with her grandad (my dad). Hegot it into his head tat because she adored my dad, she didn't care about him. I explained that children (or anyone) have no limits on how many people they can love and the more they are shown love, the more they will be capable of loving but he still holds a grudge about the closeness she had with her Grandad, and not him.

I was just grateful that she was getting love and positive input from everyone else and she did get a lot of that from the family and friends.

I would say he 'opted out' of Fatherhood and I have said that to him and he agrees!

He told me that he thought that men only had babies because they were 'conned' or persuaded into them, by women, and left to their own devices would never have children.

Needless to say he has realised this is not the case as he has matured and I certainly never even encouraged him into fatherhood..he was willing before he became a father ..I guess he didn't know how he would react.

He likes childen generally, he is a teacher!

Things didn't get any better when she was older, when she had friends round, even though they could be playing happily in her room, he would be very grumpy and irritable and restless and dislike 'strangers being in his house' as he put it.

He was always inflexible and hard work when it came to us going places so our daughter used to get fed up with this.

He would want to go home early, when we were having a fun time or as soon as possible from anywhere and he would be stressing about where we had parked the car..if it would get broken into..etc etc.

He was never much fun to be with if you were a child..or come to that, a wife!

i have adapted now I am older and understand why he is the way he is..and you have that advantage now, so hopefully your child will be able to understand that there is a reason why daddy is the way he is, and not take it personally:)

Now our daughter lives with her partner about an hour away, I maintain communication with her by phone and Facebook and email, but Tc doesn't initiate any communication, but he does say he misses her and expects her to visit us more, but he seems more attached now than when she was actually at home.

He has always been very distant from his own parents and still doesn't tell them about what he is doing in his life unless I prompt him although he doesn't really feel he wants his parents to be included in his life and has always been somewhat detached.

Our daughter turned out to have not only ADHD which we were aware of when she was younger, but AS also..but AS in the female form is, as has been mentioned in several books, not in many ways, similar to AS in boys/men.

As for tips etc..the only two I can think of that may help would be to tell him when you need something doing with your child, and this should build his confidence with the experience of doing things for her/him..and when the child is older.. you may find he cannot be relied upon to use his instincts when it comes to dealing with unexpected situations, so always either prepare him with instructions if you are going out and leaving your baby home with him.

Try and get family involved if you can so the child has plenty of loving fun with adults, and so you can get a break.

Basically I felt like a single mother and Tc agrees he can see why I say that.

I wish you all the very best and love with your forthcoming bundle of joy!

All the best, Hazel NT married to TC AS for 30+ yrs

Hello all!I was just wondering what your experiences were with the actions, reactions, and behaviors of your AS man while you were pregnant, and during birth and bringing the baby home. Any advice??? I would love to hear your stories. My husband was just diagnosed and we are only beginning to learn how to get along now that we know what's going on. What are some ideas about how to get him to bond more with the idea of the baby and to be more supportive of what I'm going through emotionally, hormonally, and physically?Any feedback would be so incredibly appreciated!

[Guest guest]

When I was in hospital having a miscarriage, I was all

alone the whole time, every time I miscarried or was in

labour as he just thought he 'had to go to work' come what may

I know several women who reported being left alone to deliver their

babies. The AS husband either couldn't tear himself away from the

computer, or went to his job to escape. If he accompanied her to

the hospital at all, he left soon after to return to work or to his

laptop. If he received a phone call asking about his ETA in the

delivery room, he would assure the caller that he was on his way

"soon". Only to get lost again in whatever he was doing prior to

the call. Thus, the women gave birth alone, or in the company of

their own friends and family.

It was only as she got older (about 3 yrs old) that he

just stopped interacting with her. I felt like I was a full

time 'single' mum, but when she became school age, I started

work and had to work every Saturday.

Tc looked after her at home but after a few months she

stopped speaking and became mute which concerned me much,

so I took time off to be with her..she was about 10yrs at the

time and on school summer holiday.

When I asked Tc further about how things had been at home,

he told me they hadn't spoken for at least 2 months. When I

expressed surprise and shock, he simply said 'I can't get

along with her'.

He didn't think he owed her any further effort !!

he seemed to realte to her as if she was an adult and

because she didn't always behave, he just stopped co-operating

and communicating with her!

I've met women who had this experience too. The AS dads pretty much

ignored the kids or complained about their noise. If these dads

interacted with the children at all, it was as if the kids were

adults. In each case, the AS dads opted out of parenthood and the

moms reported feeling like single parents.

Perhaps even worse are the AS dads who could not be relied upon to

watch their own children while mom was at work, shopping, or

wherever. Sure, the dads remained at home with the kids, yet

provided no supervision or interaction whatsoever. Instead, they

were consumed with their own interests and not looking out for the

child's welfare.

Best,

~CJ

[Guest guest]

Last night, I mentioned the relationship my almost ex had with me and the kids

during pregnancy and their younger years. I want to add how they interact today.

The kids are 16 and 11, mostly grown. There is also a restraining order limiting

his contact with me and the kids, but it's based on an extensive report by a

Guardian ad Litem* and a Psych report, plus his abusive actions in the last days

we were together.

My eldest wants no contact with her dad … understandable, as she witnessed a

huge number of his meltdowns. But stbx (soon to be ex) *never* asks me about her

welfare, or what she's doing. The restraining order says they have no direct

contact, but does let stbx contact Eldest's therapist -- in over a year, he's

never done this.

Youngest gets two visits with his dad a week, one school afternoon and all day

Saturday. Overnights are not allowed. stbx is a more involved parent than he

ever was at home. Here are some of their activities together:

- stbx reads to youngest (remember, Youngest is 11, and reads on an adult

level))

- stbx shows Youngest cool electronics stuff (Youngest isn't allowed to touch)

and gives science lectures

- Youngest plays games on a computer, alone

stbx refuses to take Youngest clothes shopping, never asks him what he wants to

do. Since stbx' sister moved in with him, they sometimes take Youngest to plays,

concerts and festivals. Youngest is never consulted on these, and they are often

aimed at younger kids. stbx also refuses to use " his time " to take Youngest to

Scout activities or other things he'd enjoy.

Youngest is a pretty compliant kid, but he's starting to hit his teen years, and

will rebel against being treated like an eternal 7 year old.

We're all telling some pretty grim stories here! But I know another AS dad who

is very involved with his kids. They found activities they all like, and do them

together. J understands that being a parent means you can't be 100%

self-focused, and he isn't.

I think that last is the key. If the AS parent can't accept the fact that for

15-20 years, they can't be completely self focused, they can become " good

enough " parents.

--Liz

* A Guardian ad Litem is a judicial court investigator who determines the best

situation for children undergoing divorce. Her job is to interview parents,

teachers, doctors, etc., and the kids if they are old enough, to find out what

is " in the best interests of the children. " My ex insisted we hire a GAL,

because he was positive I was an unfit mom … the GAL's report instead showed how

unfit he was.

[Guest guest]

Thank you for the story and advice. It is definitely appreciated!

>

> Last night, I mentioned the relationship my almost ex had with me and the kids

during pregnancy and their younger years. I want to add how they interact today.

>

> The kids are 16 and 11, mostly grown. There is also a restraining order

limiting his contact with me and the kids, but it's based on an extensive report

by a Guardian ad Litem* and a Psych report, plus his abusive actions in the last

days we were together.

>

> My eldest wants no contact with her dad … understandable, as she witnessed a

huge number of his meltdowns. But stbx (soon to be ex) *never* asks me about her

welfare, or what she's doing. The restraining order says they have no direct

contact, but does let stbx contact Eldest's therapist -- in over a year, he's

never done this.

>

> Youngest gets two visits with his dad a week, one school afternoon and all day

Saturday. Overnights are not allowed. stbx is a more involved parent than he

ever was at home. Here are some of their activities together:

> - stbx reads to youngest (remember, Youngest is 11, and reads on an adult

level))

> - stbx shows Youngest cool electronics stuff (Youngest isn't allowed to

touch) and gives science lectures

> - Youngest plays games on a computer, alone

> stbx refuses to take Youngest clothes shopping, never asks him what he wants

to do. Since stbx' sister moved in with him, they sometimes take Youngest to

plays, concerts and festivals. Youngest is never consulted on these, and they

are often aimed at younger kids. stbx also refuses to use " his time " to take

Youngest to Scout activities or other things he'd enjoy.

>

> Youngest is a pretty compliant kid, but he's starting to hit his teen years,

and will rebel against being treated like an eternal 7 year old.

>

>

> We're all telling some pretty grim stories here! But I know another AS dad who

is very involved with his kids. They found activities they all like, and do them

together. J understands that being a parent means you can't be 100%

self-focused, and he isn't.

>

> I think that last is the key. If the AS parent can't accept the fact that for

15-20 years, they can't be completely self focused, they can become " good

enough " parents.

>

>

>

> --Liz

> * A Guardian ad Litem is a judicial court investigator who determines the best

situation for children undergoing divorce. Her job is to interview parents,

teachers, doctors, etc., and the kids if they are old enough, to find out what

is " in the best interests of the children. " My ex insisted we hire a GAL,

because he was positive I was an unfit mom … the GAL's report instead showed how

unfit he was.

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much for sharing your story and advice. I am really struck by how

unstable/inconsistent the AS dad is, in all of the stories that I am reading. I

mean, I guess my husband is really like that in all areas of his life, so why

would parenting be any different? Still, what a shame, as that is so incredibly

destructive to the overall health of the child. I think someone really needs to

write a book for AS dads on how to parent, taking into consideration the very

different way they think and process. Because a lot of innocent lives are being

broken and devastated by this disorder. I really DO NOT want this for my child.

My husband also has some really good moments, intertwined with really bad

moments, and plenty of withdrawn, non-involved moments too.

It is nice to know that I'm not alone anyway, although no solutions yet to this

debacle!!!

Thank you for sharing with me!

>

> Hi ,

>

> Just a few memories of being pregnant here ..I am NT, husband AS and we

> never managed to have live babies, although adopted at the end of 5 yrs of

> miscarriages and still births, but on the initial pregnancy announcement, Tc

> reacted in a very unusual way when I told him I was pregnant.

>

> He took a rocking chair that we had at the time and sat in it in front

> of our open fire and rocked, staring, for 3 DAYS without communication with

> me.

>

> We didn't know he had AS at that time but even for him, this was strange

> behaviour.

>

> My brother came over to congratulate me (having heard the news from my

> mother) and wanted to take me away home with him when he saw how Tc was, but

> I declined and felt I should stay with Tc as he was obviously in some shock.

>

> We had not been using contraception and accepted that a baby would be the

> outcome but in reality when that time came he was stunned for days then,

> gradually got back to 'normal' and acted as if nothing was different.

>

> When I was in hospital having a miscarriage, I was all alone the whole

> time, every time I miscarried or was in labour as he just thought he 'had to

> go to work' come what may although he did attend scans with me and was

> tearful and upset when we lost our last boy at 6 months when he died in the

> womb. He was by this time, in his early 50's , and had hoped this pregnancy

> would be Ok ..at least he said this after we lost the baby.

>

> After we had the first miscarriage, he developed depression, because he

> said he felt guilty for not wanting it, as if somehow this had doomed the

> pregnancy.

>

> When I was in hospital with the second miscarriage, his parents brought

> food over to help him over the few days and he flew into a rage and banned

> them from coming to the house so they didn't come near after that! I think

> his behaviour was somewhat erratic.

>

> I can't honestly say he reacted in any specific way in future pregnancies

> but when it came to adopting, he was all in agreement with it.

>

> When we chose our soon-to-be daughter, he was delighted and the first

> pictures we have of her are with her asleep on him. She was 8 months old at

> the time when we adopted her and he helped out with her care when I asked

> him to.

>

> It was only as she got older (about 3 yrs old) that he just stopped

> interacting with her. I felt like I was a full time 'single' mum, but when

she

> became school age, I started work and had to work every Saturday.

>

> Tc looked after her at home but after a few months she stopped speaking

> and became mute which concerned me much, so I took time off to be with

> her..she was about 10yrs at the time and on school summer holiday.

>

> When I asked Tc further about how things had been at home, he told me they

> hadn't spoken for at least 2 months. When I expressed surprise and shock,

> he simply said 'I can't get along with her'.

>

> He didn't think he owed her any further effort !!

> he seemed to realte to her as if she was an adult and because she didn't

> always behave, he just stopped co-operating and communicating with her!

>

> I had to give the job up and a fortnight after I was back at home full

> time, she started to speak again.

>

> Needless to say she kept suggesting I divorce him and 'get a better dad'

> so I don't think she had bonded with him either despite my efforts to

> encourage them.

>

> Then Tc started to get severe jealously over the relationship she did

> have with her grandad (my dad). Hegot it into his head tat because she adored

> my dad, she didn't care about him. I explained that children (or anyone)

> have no limits on how many people they can love and the more they are shown

> love, the more they will be capable of loving but he still holds a grudge

> about the closeness she had with her Grandad, and not him.

>

> I was just grateful that she was getting love and positive input from

> everyone else and she did get a lot of that from the family and friends.

>

> I would say he 'opted out' of Fatherhood and I have said that to him and

> he agrees!

>

> He told me that he thought that men only had babies because they were

> 'conned' or persuaded into them, by women, and left to their own devices would

> never have children.

>

> Needless to say he has realised this is not the case as he has matured

> and I certainly never even encouraged him into fatherhood..he was willing

> before he became a father ..I guess he didn't know how he would react.

> He likes childen generally, he is a teacher!

>

> Things didn't get any better when she was older, when she had friends

> round, even though they could be playing happily in her room, he would be very

> grumpy and irritable and restless and dislike 'strangers being in his

> house' as he put it.

>

> He was always inflexible and hard work when it came to us going places so

> our daughter used to get fed up with this.

>

> He would want to go home early, when we were having a fun time or as

> soon as possible from anywhere and he would be stressing about where we had

> parked the car..if it would get broken into..etc etc.

>

> He was never much fun to be with if you were a child..or come to that, a

> wife!

> i have adapted now I am older and understand why he is the way he is..and

> you have that advantage now, so hopefully your child will be able to

> understand that there is a reason why daddy is the way he is, and not take it

> personally:)

>

> Now our daughter lives with her partner about an hour away, I maintain

> communication with her by phone and Facebook and email, but Tc doesn't

> initiate any communication, but he does say he misses her and expects her to

> visit us more, but he seems more attached now than when she was actually at

> home.

>

> He has always been very distant from his own parents and still doesn't

> tell them about what he is doing in his life unless I prompt him although he

> doesn't really feel he wants his parents to be included in his life and has

> always been somewhat detached.

>

> Our daughter turned out to have not only ADHD which we were aware of when

> she was younger, but AS also..but AS in the female form is, as has been

> mentioned in several books, not in many ways, similar to AS in boys/men.

>

> As for tips etc..the only two I can think of that may help would be to

> tell him when you need something doing with your child, and this should build

> his confidence with the experience of doing things for her/him..and when

> the child is older.. you may find he cannot be relied upon to use his

> instincts when it comes to dealing with unexpected situations, so always

either

> prepare him with instructions if you are going out and leaving your baby

> home with him.

>

> Try and get family involved if you can so the child has plenty of loving

> fun with adults, and so you can get a break.

>

> Basically I felt like a single mother and Tc agrees he can see why I say

> that.

> I wish you all the very best and love with your forthcoming bundle of joy!

>

> All the best, Hazel NT married to TC AS for 30+ yrs

>

>

> In a message dated 05/03/2012 02:17:30 GMT Standard Time, inara77@...

> writes:

>

> Hello all!

>

> I was just wondering what your experiences were with the actions,

> reactions, and behaviors of your AS man while you were pregnant, and during

birth

> and bringing the baby home. Any advice??? I would love to hear your stories.

> My husband was just diagnosed and we are only beginning to learn how to

> get along now that we know what's going on. What are some ideas about how to

> get him to bond more with the idea of the baby and to be more supportive of

> what I'm going through emotionally, hormonally, and physically?

>

> Any feedback would be so incredibly appreciated!

>

[Guest guest]

That just about sums it up, thanks CJ, in some ways it makes it all feel better to know it wasn't just 'my' experience..and it was maybe the situation rather than anything we didn't do 'right' to avoid the issues.

Haze , with thanx!

Sure, the dads remained at home with the kids, yet provided no supervision or interaction whatsoever. Instead, they were consumed with their own interests and not looking out for the child's welfare.Best,~CJ