Re: 5 months Pregnant ADHD/NT Wife with AS Husband

March 5, 2012

Thank you all for the feedback, encouragement, and advice! I really appreciate

it. So far my husband has good days/moments and bad days/moments. He sometimes

hesitates to be involved with certain things, but then if I tell him that I will

just have my friends or family do something instead, then he is indignant and

wants to be involved (like registering for the baby shower). He has been

sanding and prepping the baby's dresser, which is a lot of work, so that seems

like a way of showing love to me and the baby. I definitely have a very good

support system in place, so if he does fail me at some point in the birthing

process, I will have good backup. As for farther down the road, I guess we will

just have to deal with issues as they come.

I really wonder why AS dads are so unstable about procreation/children though???

It really boggles my mind...my husband is a really good uncle to his nephews and

he is adorable when he plays with children, but he does seem to get tired after

an hour or two of such activities. Before we found out he had AS I just assumed

he would be a good dad since I had seen him behaving so wonderfully around

kids...he said it's completely different when it's his own kid though. So what

is the issue with having children for the AS dad? I guess one of you mentioned

there hasn't been any research on this, so it's anyone's guess at this point.

Thank you again for the feedback. It's really nice to know that I'm not alone

in all of this!!!

March 5, 2012

Thank you for the feedback ! You might remember that we spoke on the phone

several months ago for over an hour. Just wanted to let you know that that

conversation was incredibly helpful, and helped lead the way to my husband's

diagnosis from Dr. . Thanks so much!!!!!

>

> ,

>

> This isn't a direct answer since I don't have " the experience, " but thought it

might of interest to you and others on the discussion list. The Brits have made

a serial for television simply entitled " Doc " which portrays various life

scenarios involving an obviously AS NHS medical doctor in a small coastal

village in the UK. There are a number of episodes that depict him relating to

the mother of his unborn child, and the series is now " going through " its weekly

episodes depicting his life post-birth. Clunes is simply brilliant in the

role, and the supporting cast is terrific.

>

> I figured it might be worthwhile to at least encourage folks to watch this

series, which is both funny and heartfeltidly accurate on many accounts, but as

with any other viewer's reaction to fictional depictions of AS, " your mileage

may vary. " I don't think there's a formulary approach to the issue, and I'm

almost sure everyone with an AS husband and kids in a still-intact marriage has

a different " take " on the situation. As far as I know, nothing's yet be written

between the covers of a hardcover or softcover book, although one would think

that by now, there's enough life experience and clinical experience that a good

author should be able to tackle the topic with a good amount of sensitivity.

>

> There's a " basic " Wikipedia article on the series...with most of the writing

of interest to British series buffs, but there should be links to the US

distributor of the series and further information available from your local

public television outlet about whether it's available in your area. There are

complete DVD sets available for past series...but I don't know how " current "

they are, nor do I know what series has been airing locally here in Portland,

OR.

>

> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doc_

>

> N. Meyer

>

> 5 months Pregnant ADHD/NT Wife with AS

Husband

> >

> >Hello all!

> >

> >I was just wondering what your experiences were with the actions, reactions,

and behaviors of your AS man while you were pregnant, and during birth and

bringing the baby home. Any advice??? I would love to hear your stories. My

husband was just diagnosed and we are only beginning to learn how to get along

now that we know what's going on. What are some ideas about how to get him to

bond more with the idea of the baby and to be more supportive of what I'm going

through emotionally, hormonally, and physically?

> >

> >Any feedback would be so incredibly appreciated!

> >

> >Thank you in advance!

> >

> >------------------------------------

> >

> > " We each have our own way of living in the world, together we

are like a symphony.

> >Some are the melody, some are the rhythm, some are the harmony

> >It all blends together, we are like a symphony, and each part is crucial.

> >We all contribute to the song of life. "

> > ...Sondra

> >

> > We might not always agree; but TOGETHER we will make a difference.

> >

> > ASPIRES is a closed, confidential, moderated list.

> >Responsibility for posts to ASPIRES lies entirely with the original author.

> > Do NOT post mail off-list without the author's permission.

> > When in doubt, please refer to our list rules at:

> > http://www.aspires-relationships.com/info_rules.htm

> > ASPIRES ~ Climbing the mountain TOGETHER

> > http://www.aspires-relationships.com

> >

March 5, 2012

Wow, I can't believe you had to go through something so hurtful so many times

with your husband...my husband too hinted at an abortion, and was pretty

diagreeable the other 3 times I was pregnant (all miscarried)...but he is there

for me now as best he can be, so I feel very thankful to realize it could

actually be far worse than I could imagine. My husband has some very sweet

moments actually, with the occasional very bad moment or hour or day of

behavior. But I am very sorry you have had to live through such horrible

treatment by your husband. What you have related is inhumane, and appalling. I

am proud of you for deciding to leave. No one should have to be treated that way

by the one they love. Good luck in your future journey.

>

> > Hello all!

> >

> > I was just wondering what your experiences were with the actions, reactions,

and behaviors of your AS man while you were pregnant, and during birth and

bringing the baby home. Any advice??? I would love to hear your stories. My

husband was just diagnosed and we are only beginning to learn how to get along

now that we know what's going on. What are some ideas about how to get him to

bond more with the idea of the baby and to be more supportive of what I'm going

through emotionally, hormonally, and physically?

> >

> > Any feedback would be so incredibly appreciated!

> >

> > Thank you in advance!

> >

>

March 5, 2012

Thank you for sharing your story!

> >> I was just wondering what your experiences were with the actions,

> >> reactions, and behaviors of your AS man while you were pregnant,

> >> and during birth and bringing the baby home. Any advice??? I

> >> would love to hear your stories. My husband was just diagnosed and

> >> we are only beginning to learn how to get along now that we know

> >> what's going on. What are some ideas about how to get him to bond

> >> more with the idea of the baby and to be more supportive of what

> >> I'm going through emotionally, hormonally, and physically?

> >

> > I'd love to hear from the AS dads on this …

>

> OK, a few brief comments...

>

> >

> > As an AS mom (and ex wife of an AS dad), I was concerned about

> > bonding myself. [i didn't know about my AS until my oldest was 3.]

> > I'm still not sure I ever experienced the " magical, mystical bonding

> > experience " that is written about.

>

> I'm pretty sure I did *not* " experience the... " . More's the pity; I

> envy those who do/did.

>

> > But I love my kids deeply and,

> > though I may not give my life for them, I will do a lot for them. I

>

> My sentiments " to a T " . There *is* a deep love I feel for all three.

> Curiously, maybe, my feelings for each are lesser according to their

> birth order. I know that for sure, enough that I've bent over backward

> to *not* have *them* know it. Maybe I succeeded.

>

> > believe the actual " bonding " isn't necessary if the love and care are

> > present.

> [ snip ]

>

> As to what my then wife experienced: I was as proud of my kids, and of

> my wife, as any man ever could be. I worked hard to be a good provider,

> a support *and help-meet* for my wife. ...All the " right " things. But

> I didn't do a very good job of showing it, I guess, as we divorced

> before ten years passed.

>

> All that well before AS was " known " in the USA.

>

> On the other hand, I learned from the experience. Enough that my

> current marriage, 45 years now, can be called a success.

>

> - Bill ...AS, retired geneticist

>

> --

> WD " Bill " Loughman - Berkeley, California USA

> http://home.earthlink.net/~wdloughman/wdl.htm

>

March 5, 2012

** - my comments

>I definitely have a very good support system in place, so if he does fail me at

some point in the birthing process, I will have good backup. As for farther

down the road, I guess we will just have to deal with issues as they come.

** Awesome to see you have the kind of support system you have. I think it's

always good to have a " Plan B " as often as possible. When I was younger, I

could have seen myself being like the " what do I do? what do I do? what do I

do? " ever continuous cycle. One thing I learned about living with AS is my

inability of having a Plan B, because of the literal and linear nature of doing

things all the time. As the " light bulb " came on in my life, I began to " get

it " about the need to " Plan B. " And this wouldn't become any clearer than when

I began to date my best friend - a single parent with two special needs kids

(and now with three grandchildren who live with her as of a couple of weeks

ago). Talk about the need to adapt to a lot of change happening quickly! This

wouldn't have been possible for me even a couple of years ago.

> I really wonder why AS dads are so unstable about procreation/children

though??? It really boggles my mind...my husband is a really good uncle to his

nephews and he is adorable when he plays with children, but he does seem to get

tired after an hour or two of such activities.

** My thinking is of the energy used with being around others and the social

sensitivities involved. People with AS (myself included) are or have been known

to be in isolated environment for a good amount at a time. Quoting myself in

the Chattanooga Pulse (Vol 8, Issue 34, August 25, 2011), " Due to the sensory

challenges that someone with AS/HFA may have during the day, it's easy for the

person to be overwhelmed at work (or anywhere else - around other relatives,

perhaps in your husband's case), causing them to go home and stay there. "

Being around other people can take a lot out of someone with AS, because of the

energy used in social activities like maintaining a conversation or spending

time around other people. That could explain why he may tire out after 1-2

hours, while being like an uncle to other relatives.

> Before we found out he had AS I just assumed he would be a good dad since I

had seen him behaving so wonderfully around kids...he said it's completely

different when it's his own kid though. So what is the issue with having

children for the AS dad? I guess one of you mentioned there hasn't been any

research on this, so it's anyone's guess at this point.

** My guess goes along like this. AS dad grew up as a special needs child and

developmentally delayed moreso than other non-spectrum kids. As a result, his

development came along slower than other kids his age, as much as 20-25% slower

than other kids. Thus, the things the other kids learned growing into

adulthood, he wasn't quite there yet. S/he might have known intellectually what

it was to be a parent from what s/he read, but emotionally and such, s/he

doesn't know how to parent a child like the non-spectrum parent would. And..

because being around your own child as an AS parent requires daily energy (and

much more of it than simply visiting relatives for an hour or two), the issues

arise with being an AS parent of a child for the non-spectrum spouse - similar

to the question you posed.

My guess is that partially explains why the non-spectrum spouse gets upset and

angry at the spectrum spouse about raising their own kids. He/she spent so much

time at work doing whatever, that he/she feels the need to " shut down " and

isolate when coming home. This, along with other things in their relationship,

builds up over time. If the non-AS spouse does *not* have a support system,

he/she becomes a " shell " of self over time and ends up needing a lot more

psychological help than previously thought.

March 6, 2012

Hi -

My husband is AS and we have a 6 month old baby. He was not very into the

pregnancy thing. I remember waking him up the first time I felt her kick and he

put my hand on my belly and said " good to know she is in there " . He had no

interest. He called her IT, even when we knew it was a girl. He just could not

bond with someone that he could not see. He did not feel a real connection to

her and did not share my excitement at all. But does any man? I had lots of

prenatal massage and shared my excitement with my family and friends.

With that said, my husband was an absolute rock during my labor. His detached

manner was actually perfect. I ended up on toxemic, with a broken pelvis and on

bedrest. I was very scared and seeing his calm and pragmatic approach really

helped. I did have to send him home the next day because he was STRESSED out

after the baby was born, but hey. I was fine then. So we work well together.

He was not very interested in the baby at first. But once again is any man? He

is really good with her now, that she can sit up and babble and play. I think

it was hard for him to really respect the baby as a person. I gave him very

specific tasks to do with her to help them bond. He has a hard time talking to

her so I have him read to her a lot. I breastfed her but I would have him burp

her. Make sure you leave the house sometimes so they can be alone. He would be

really nervous but I told him I had faith. I would just go down the street and

window shop or something. He does have a tendency to think that I am her only

caregiver when we are both home so I just tell him when and what I need him to

do.

So all this to say, if he is like my husband he will be supportive in his way.

My husband never missed an appointment. When I broke my pelvis, he tried to make

sure I rested. He would also ask me when dinner would be ready. lol But at

least he makes me laugh. No man will ever understand what you are going through

and I am sure you know that empathy is a weak point of those with AS, so get

ready to have some lonely days. I suggest finding a good mommy group and

gathering your support circle. Let them fill in the blanks that your husband

can't. It takes a village...

Kari

>

> Hello all!

>

> I was just wondering what your experiences were with the actions, reactions,

and behaviors of your AS man while you were pregnant, and during birth and

bringing the baby home. Any advice??? I would love to hear your stories. My

husband was just diagnosed and we are only beginning to learn how to get along

now that we know what's going on. What are some ideas about how to get him to

bond more with the idea of the baby and to be more supportive of what I'm going

through emotionally, hormonally, and physically?

>

> Any feedback would be so incredibly appreciated!

>

> Thank you in advance!

>

March 6, 2012

Oh my goodness, thank you so much!!! Really good advice and I loved reading

your story!!! I have a lot of faith in my hubby too and I am going to try your

suggestions, they sound like they could really work in our situation too. He

has never missed an appointment either and does have some semi-tender moments,

putting his hand on my belly a few times and even singing with me once to the

baby. And like I said in another response to a different member of the forum,

he has been sanding and finishing a big antique dresser we have, for the baby,

for about 4 ten hour days now. And I think that just has to be love, but

showing it in his own way. Truly, thank you. Your suggestions are REALLY

helpful.

> >

> > Hello all!

> >

> > I was just wondering what your experiences were with the actions, reactions,

and behaviors of your AS man while you were pregnant, and during birth and

bringing the baby home. Any advice??? I would love to hear your stories. My

husband was just diagnosed and we are only beginning to learn how to get along

now that we know what's going on. What are some ideas about how to get him to

bond more with the idea of the baby and to be more supportive of what I'm going

through emotionally, hormonally, and physically?

> >

> > Any feedback would be so incredibly appreciated!

> >

> > Thank you in advance!

> >

>

March 6, 2012

Thank you very much for your thoughtful feedback!!! Thank you for the insight

into what makes the AS dad tick...my husband was JUST diagnosed, so I am JUST

starting to study all the " how-to " books on how to succesfully live with your

Aspie love, and I have so much to learn. I basically have to reframe our whole

relationship because SO much of what he has done and said over the course of our

time together has baffled and bewildered me. I'm pretty easy-going, accepting,

and tolerant, so MOST of it I shrugged off as just bizarre and inexplicable, or

else cultural differences (He's French), although I can be VERY reactive to the

directly hurtful things he says (of course with no idea of how horrible such a

thing is to say out loud to your partner) Your insights were truly very

helpful.

Thank you very much!

> >I definitely have a very good support system in place, so if he does fail me

at some point in the birthing process, I will have good backup. As for farther

down the road, I guess we will just have to deal with issues as they come.

> ** Awesome to see you have the kind of support system you have. I think it's