RE: Re: I need help

[Guest guest]

Hi again Luci,

> ...... I don't know what I am doing wrong, with the way I am describing

things, but just as I try to explain things to the doctors, it seems like no one

on here really truly comprehends what I am explaining of my situation either.

You're right, No one's going to be able to truly comprehend exactly

what's going on between you. Relationships are just too complex and

difficult for anyone to 100% get all that on board, but they can still

relate to certain specific parts of it and draw parallels with their own

experiences, so I don't think you should be looking for one simple

magic key that fixes everything. Better to break it down, discuss

and work on the individual issues one by one.

One thing I'm gleaning from your descriptions is that both you and your

BF are very sensitive, your BF probably a lot more than you, to the

point where he very easily goes into saturation mode and turns off

because he can't cope. In your earlier post you wrote:

> Whenever I need him to be there for me the most, is when he's there for me the

least.

Could that be because he already picked up your need at a very early

stage, maybe even before you were consciously aware of it yourself,

but he didn't know how to respond to it, which led to frustration on

his part, to you picking up his frustrated reaction, and then

misinterpreting it as a selfish don't care attitude? If so, this in

turn would then be likely to magnify your original need which he now

picks up even stronger, increasing his frustruation and driving him

into complete turn-off saturation mode because he can't cope. In

other words you're both pushing each other down a spiral slope?

Of course this theory may be completely wrong in your case, but what

I've tried to describe are some elements of the way I react myself if

I'm expected to respond to someone's emotional need that I don't know

how to deal with. The remedy in my case is not to allow any

unexpressed or unexplained needs to develop to any depth. Express and

explain them very early on while they're still manageable and rational

on both sides.

Another general comment I'd make is not to allow yourself to feel guilty

or to blame if things don't go right. This guilt and blame directed at

yourself can be picked up by a partner and give them a bad feeling that

they are somehow responsible for things going wrong, too, whereas what

they really need is to gain confidence in themselves and their own

abilities. When things go wrong in a relationship, " blame " is the

wrong way of looking at it. Nobody is actually to blame. There may

be incompatibilities and misunderstandings, but these should be

addressed by questioning, calm discussion and analysis.

> ..... The reason he freaks out and hits himself over and over? its because

hes mad at himself for being rude or thoughtless.

OK, but we should be analysing this and asking why he's rude or

thoughtless. Has nobody ever taught him the rules? Once an Aspie

understands and agrees with the reasons why particular rules exist, he

will learn them and follow them far better than an NT does. Maybe

you should both go very slowly and calmly and logically back over

individual events that have led up to such freak-outs and carefully

analyse the exact causes. Keep completely clear of any blame scenario,

though; this simply has to be an analysis and learning excercise.

> ....,[to ] ... but I honestly feel there's no one who could ever

understand. I don't blame you for anything you said, but it's wrong, not because

you are wrong, but because I just can't convey our life to you.

Correct. No-one can understand 100%, but I'm sure there are component

parts of it that members here can understand, esecially when you

describe them so succinctly as you've already demonstrated you can.

[Guest guest]

I need help

> >

> > Hi & welcome to ASPIRES:

> >

> > Are you getting any help for you and your issues that have risen from this

relationship? I only ask as you can only change yourself and not him. Somethimes

talking to a good counselor/therapist can really help you get healthy again. You

need to stay strong for you and your kids. He is a BIG boy and you are not

responsible for his behavior.

> >

> > I am sending you positive energy and cyber hugs!

> >

> >

> > Been there, done the work and its HARD work!

> >

> >

> >

> > I don't know what to do anymore. My boyfriend has Asperger's and things have

gotten really bad. First I will give you an idea of the situation. I'm a 28 year

old divorced mother of three children ages 4, 7 and 8. My boyfriend is 30 years

old, no children of his own, never been married (has only had one real

girlfriend ever prior to our relationship). He's a musician and that's really

his only interest, but he has not been able to play music for the past year on

any regular basis, which I think is one part of the problem. He is unemployed

except for a part time job (an hour a day 5 days a week cleaning a bank.) He has

been seeing a therapist for quite a while now, and has started taking zoloft in

November and recently when I went to his psychiatrist with him and begged them

to do something more to help, he has been taking risperdal. He has incredibly

high levels of anxiety almost all the time. He panics at just having to get out

of bed in the morning and face the day.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Ditto!!! I’ve been married for 32 years to my Aspie hubby, some good, some bad, some great. J  Don’t give up on the list yet. There are lots of people here with lots of different opinions. I just got back from holidays and it took me some time to catch up on all the emails and I’m not going t comment much about your post except to say that I love your compassion and ability to want to love your partner and help him to feel loved and valued. You sound like a warm wonderful person who I would love to get to know. If you feel that you just can’t open up on the list again right now please feel free to email me off list and I will be happy to talk to you about anything. I will tell you that there is nothing you have said that I can’t relate to personally. You can look up my posts in the archives to see if I am someone you think you could talk to. Wishing you strength, love and joy!Deb From: aspires-relationships [mailto:aspires-relationships ] On Behalf Of LindenthalSent: February-01-12 7:12 PMTo: AspiresRelationshipsSubject: Re: Re: I need help Luci Don't give up on this group just because a few of the members seem to be urging separation.I recommend that you search through the archives for a thread about how to fight with your Aspie spouse. You will find that the posts in that thread will help you with insights into what goes on in his head. Which will help you in communicating more effectively with him.~ " Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal. " --Albert Camus Sent from my VZW BlackBerry Sender: aspires-relationships Date: Thu, 02 Feb 2012 02:41:05 +0000To: <aspires-relationships >ReplyTo: aspires-relationships Subject: Re: I need help I was asked by some to write about the good things about the relationship. I don't know what I am doing wrong, with the way I am describing things, but just as I try to explain things to the doctors, it seems like no one on here really truly comprehends what I am explaining of my situation either. Definitely got a case of " Cassandra syndrome " here. I guess I've made a mistake in reaching out, because no one seems to understand anyway. I wasn't asking if I should stay or go, I was asking what I can do because I do choose to stay. He is part of my family and needs help. I don't believe that we have exhausted all of our options yet, and I was hoping for some advice on things we or he could try. As far as being misdiagnosed, I would be utterly surprised if that were the case, I have no doubt in my mind that he has aspergers. As far as other things going on they say he has generalized anxiety disorder and major depression. I also suspect PTSD, though he has not been officially evaluated for that. I would agree there may be something else going on, but I am certain his diagnosis he has now is correct. I think I may be looking in the wrong place. I dont need someone to tell me to think about leaving - trust me, I have. And I don't mean I have because I want to, I mean I have considered that it might be the best for everyone and I've even talked to my kids about all of this and how they are feeling and what they would like and what would make them happy. They cry thinking of him leaving. It's not a simple decision, and I have thought it through over and over and it's just not a decision I can come to at this point. I do not believe we have tried everything. I do not believe he has received proper help. He has only had this diagnosis for less than a year, and where we live, there is almost no one around that works with people with aspergers, especially adults. The nearest case worker for the new england autism branch is one state away from us, none of our state and the nearest support groups are 3 hours south of here. That is why I seek online support. He has recently applied to a vocational rehab program and is waiting to hear back to see if they may be able to help him find employment that works well for him, as he has had a very hard time getting, and even more hard of a time keeping a job. He's always too slow for them, can't multi task, can't understand verbal direction quickly especially if someone rambles off a list of multiple things for him to execute. He panics when he messes up in the least bit and gets frustrated and gets mad at himself at work for not being the way they want him to be. They all think hes weird, slow and stupid. He has been working with a therapist on a weekly basis and a psychiatrist once a month and I have recently been attending these whenever he feels he needs extra help explaining things or understanding things, and it has been helpful for me too. We also have a crisis plan in place and he often calls the crisis center and I have taken him there for a crisis meeting. I don't take my decision to stay with him lightly. I will not stay and let things stay the same, but I will not leave without making the biggest effort we can. I love him and he deserves for once for someone to give him a chance instead of treating him like he's worthless, which is why he hates himself, which is why hes so angry, which is why he hurts himself. The only other people in his life who have ever seen him through good and really really bad and stayed by his side were his parents, but they baby him and that does not help either. I refuse to baby him, and I do refuse to let him treat me like crap my whole life, and, and I am trying to find ways to do that, because it is his goal too. He knows hes rude and careless with me, and he hates that about himself too. We both want this badly, probably him more than anything. You have no idea the pain I see him go through when he realizes he has hurt my feelings. The reason he freaks out and hits himself over and over? its because hes mad at himself for being rude or thoughtless. Okay. I am done here. We had a good day today. We did laundry together and went shopping for household things, came home and played some board games and had pizza and salad with the kids. now I am going to get out from behind this screen and go spend time with him. Thanks anyway, but I honestly feel there's no one who could ever understand. I don't blame you for anything you said, but it's wrong, not because you are wrong, but because I just can't convey our life to you. > > > > Hi Luci and Welcome! > > > > Ditto to what said. > > > > Your children must have priority of what energy and sanity you have, your BFs issues alone will absorb you and leave you feeling drained emotionally and physically and you will get no traction for a positive outcome in this relationship while running on " empty " . Finding the right support/therapy is a must, if this relationship is going to work. > > > > I am certain you are devoted to the relationship, as you remain w him, despite the situation/issues you relate. asked a good Q. What is your common ground? How/when do you two connect? > > > > This could be a starting point to sort out your overwhelming thoughts/feelings. > > > > Heartfelt Hugs .... and we get it...been there, done that! > > > > ChEers! > > > > Blanca > > Blanca M. Lara Rocha > > > > I need help > > > > Hi & welcome to ASPIRES: > > > > Are you getting any help for you and your issues that have risen from this relationship? I only ask as you can only change yourself and not him. Somethimes talking to a good counselor/therapist can really help you get healthy again. You need to stay strong for you and your kids. He is a BIG boy and you are not responsible for his behavior. > > > > I am sending you positive energy and cyber hugs! > > > > > > Been there, done the work and its HARD work! > > > > > > > > I don't know what to do anymore. My boyfriend has Asperger's and things have gotten really bad. First I will give you an idea of the situation. I'm a 28 year old divorced mother of three children ages 4, 7 and 8. My boyfriend is 30 years old, no children of his own, never been married (has only had one real girlfriend ever prior to our relationship). He's a musician and that's really his only interest, but he has not been able to play music for the past year on any regular basis, which I think is one part of the problem. He is unemployed except for a part time job (an hour a day 5 days a week cleaning a bank.) He has been seeing a therapist for quite a while now, and has started taking zoloft in November and recently when I went to his psychiatrist with him and begged them to do something more to help, he has been taking risperdal. He has incredibly high levels of anxiety almost all the time. He panics at just having to get out of bed in the morning and face the day. > >>