Re: Travel Stress and big life changes stresses - please help!

February 22, 2012

Becky Hall wrote:

> Hiya, just bumping this up, as we're still struggling re stress and

> anxiety management. Jon has interview in Mid March and it's really

> getting to him. I have him doing positive replacement thinking, and

> positive visualisation, meditation (he's not good making time for

> this) and I have taken over all his household responsibilities to

> free him up, but he's still getting overwhelmed by panic and

> anxiety.

>

> It's really intense at the moment! Heeeelp! Please?

The very best thing you can do - for *him* - is lay off telling him what

to do and how to do it. That simply emphasizes his " inabilities " and

increases his personal lack of confidence.

Lay off the Asperger Connection; DE-emphasize the " disability " angle.

Play to the intrinsic strengths many of us have.

You must help him come to grips with those strengths *he* already has.

....His own way of doing things, the things he already knows.

New methods, new ways, new..., different..., etc etc cannot be

learned in a few weeks or months. At any rate, not well enough to help

him convince interviewers.

They'll see through all that within minutes. Remember it's the

first very few minutes face-to-face that'll make or break any chance he

(or anyone else) has.

He must " carry " the interview by himself, alone, from his own resources.

Talk to Jon about the things he does and says well; praise him for

accomplishments. Be the locker room coach. *Raise* his confidence;

show him how to project it.

And show him in every possible way that *you* have faith in and

respect for *his* personal abilities.

Yes, I have been there; have done that. I *know* what worked, and how

my wife helped.

>

> Thanks guys.

>

[ snip ]

>> Jon, the aspie influence for us has applied for a job in Germany.

>> Well I'm very proud to say he has been selected for interview in

>> about one month.

>>

>> We went to the German city we're hoping to move to this last

>> weekend, and I became aware at how bad Jon is at travelling. I

>> knew he struggles with driving, becoming very frustrated, but this

>> travelling was hell, he got so angry and unpleasant to be with when

>> getting the flights out. Even though it was really simple and

>> plain sailing, apart from about 40 mins hold up on return, but we

>> didn't have any time pressures for the rest of the day so to my own

>> mind 'why worry'.

[ snip ]

>> Does anyone have any advice, because I can show him this post and

>> he will take the advice seriously when it comes from other people,

>> not from me. I have suggested things like doing the guided

>> meditations and breaking work up into smaller chunks, and spending

>> time to think and talk about how he is feeling. But frankly I am

>> scared as he doesn't seem to be able to 'hear' me, and we've got

>> months of this coming up if we are going to move to Germany.

>>

>> Thanks in anticipation! You lot are such a valuable resource for

>> us!

- Bill ...AS, ...retired geneticist

--

WD " Bill " Loughman - Berkeley, California USA

http://home.earthlink.net/~wdloughman/wdl.htm

February 22, 2012

Becky,

I'd strongly recommend that you not free Jon from his routine and customary

responsibilities around the house. While he may not be good at doing them due to

his present state of mind, providing some kind of structure and stating and

holding to boundaries in the relationship are just as important -- perhaps more

important -- than any of the other mentation techniques you're describing. It

may be difficult for Jon to " do " things, but not having him either do them or

feel responsible for their negotiated " doing " with you may only open up excuses

for him not to resume those activities once the pressure of the job interview is

off, regardless of whether he lands the job or not.

Only my opinion, but structure, routine and awareness of boundaries ARE

important to any relationship, and the reasons for and techniques of modifying

them should be negotiated with both parties' complete agendas front and center.

N. Meyer

Out in " territory "

Travel Stress and big life changes stresses -

please help!

>

>Hiya, just bumping this up, as we're still struggling re stress and anxiety

management. Jon has interview in Mid March and it's really getting to him. I

have him doing positive replacement thinking, and positive visualisation,

meditation (he's not good making time for this) and I have taken over all his

household responsibilities to free him up, but he's still getting overwhelmed by

panic and anxiety.

>

>It's really intense at the moment! Heeeelp! Please?

>

>Thanks guys.

>

>>

>> Ok, a quick update, my last post was about finding out about my being

Bipolar, and things are progressing, I have had to go on different medications,

which has been quite unpleasant, as it's a 'suck it and see' kind of approach

and some clearly were bad for me, but seeming to settle on something suitable,

it's early days.

>>

>> Jon, the aspie influence for us has applied for a job in Germany. Well I'm

very proud to say he has been selected for interview in about one month.

>>

>> We went to the German city we're hoping to move to this last weekend, and I

became aware at how bad Jon is at travelling. I knew he struggles with driving,

becoming very frustrated, but this travelling was hell, he got so angry and

unpleasant to be with when getting the flights out. Even though it was really

simple and plain sailing, apart from about 40 mins hold up on return, but we

didn't have any time pressures for the rest of the day so to my own mind 'why

worry'.

>>

>> We have made contracts with eachother, that we would do our level best to

listen when the other tells us we are not doing so well. In my case it's if I

go hyper or depressed, Jon normally notices this before I do, so I have agreed

to respect his word and act on it, seeking support asap. In his case when he

starts getting moody (Like a spoilt teenager) that he will listen when I tell

him he is doing it, and pause and reflect and tell me his feelings or what is

behind it. This is because it often comes accross as though he is trying to

punish me for something. There's a lot more to it that I won't go into here,

but basically he did this on the way out and on the way back from Germany,

turned it all into a nightmare, and it put a bad taste on an otherwise fantastic

time out there. It's like he's going into a mild meltdown, and I can't get him

to just stop and think, and stop just acting like a front lobal toddler having a

freak out tantrum.

>>

>> I am sorry my dear Aspies, and spectrum people here, it probably sounds like

I am having a rant, and perhaps I am a bit, because it does affect me quite

strongly, and it's hard to step aside, especially when you can't get your

partner to take responsibility for himself and his behaviour, when in a public

place. He seems to turn into an ignorant obnoxious idiot, and frankly I know

for sure that's not who he really is, so how on earth do I begin to help him

manage it. He seems at a loss himself, and so am I. I want to help but short

of whacking him over the head with something, I don't know how to 'wake him up'

when he's being like this, because he simply will not listen to me. Then

afterwards, he says I didn't say anything, and I have to try to justify myself,

running through what I said and when, because he seems to think I am lying.

Actually he's been quite honest that he doesn't believe me when I say I am not

up to something, if my mental health is taking a toll, because he will just

carry on through the mild depression and anxiety he experiences. I have had to

explain so many times that it is very different what I am going through, and at

times quite disabling (which drives me nuts, as I try to push myself.)

>>

>> Also, in the job application process, as it's quite a high level job and he

does need to study for the interview, I have tried to say to him that he's got

to start doing some work for the last 2 months, but he just makes excuses. I

don't want to nag him, and turn into his mother, as he needs to do it for

himself, although I am very willing to make life as easy as I can for him to

facilitat this and 'make room' timewise by taking on his exstensive list of

chores. He's finding it hard to let go, worrying that these chores aren't

getting done. Also, he's very all or nothing with the study, going at it full

steam one night and exhausting himself, then the next night, very little, if

anything. I have said it's better to do a little and often, but he's getting so

worked up about things, he's not listening.

>>

>> Does anyone have any advice, because I can show him this post and he will

take the advice seriously when it comes from other people, not from me. I have

suggested things like doing the guided meditations and breaking work up into

smaller chunks, and spending time to think and talk about how he is feeling.

But frankly I am scared as he doesn't seem to be able to 'hear' me, and we've

got months of this coming up if we are going to move to Germany.

>>

>> Thanks in anticipation! You lot are such a valuable resource for us!

>>

>

>------------------------------------

>

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>

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February 26, 2012

Thanks and Bill for your advice, it's been helpful for us to discuss these

different points of view and work our own way forward together.

Jon says he is happy at my providing him 'protected' space for hom to study, by

taking over the chores and as I don't work, it makes sense for me to have more

things to do around the house, instead of my full time working hubby rushing

around trying to control it all. He's taken a while to adjust but he says he's

happy with the decision. Also, I am really happy with it, because I can now pull

my own weight, after a long period of mental illness, so it's good for me too.

He's also said that he wants to make changes as his father is extremely locked

down in his routines and now has no real life because of this, so Jon wants to

avoid this.

Importantly, he is now looking at paying for private diagnosis, as it's looking

to be another 9months before he can get one on the NHS, and we've already been

on the list for about 7months! It will give us both a valuable insight into how

aspie he is, and help us work out what can't be messed with and what can be

adjusted.

I really took on board about praising him for his qualities. Generally I hadn't

been laying into him for his aspie 'issues' but more for avoiding sitting down

and doing some study, when he said he wante to change jobs and apply for another

job, but then was expecting it to fall into his lap without making effort. So

whilst I can't help on his technical knowledge, he has been practising speaking

out load, and I have been teaching him French! He needs a little for the

interview. I am working really hard to be gently motivational and supportive,

rather than parental and dictatorial.

Thanks ever so much for taking the time to provide some pointers, it really

helped us to have a good conversation about it all and try to work together.

We're still at a loss as to what to do to alleviate his stress when travelling

though.

Cheers,

Becky

> >>

> >> Ok, a quick update, my last post was about finding out about my being

Bipolar, and things are progressing, I have had to go on different medications,

which has been quite unpleasant, as it's a 'suck it and see' kind of approach

and some clearly were bad for me, but seeming to settle on something suitable,

it's early days.

> >>

> >> Jon, the aspie influence for us has applied for a job in Germany. Well I'm

very proud to say he has been selected for interview in about one month.

> >>

> >> We went to the German city we're hoping to move to this last weekend, and I

became aware at how bad Jon is at travelling. I knew he struggles with driving,

becoming very frustrated, but this travelling was hell, he got so angry and

unpleasant to be with when getting the flights out. Even though it was really

simple and plain sailing, apart from about 40 mins hold up on return, but we

didn't have any time pressures for the rest of the day so to my own mind 'why

worry'.

> >>

> >> We have made contracts with eachother, that we would do our level best to