Problems, Problems

January 7, 2008

Just needed someone to talk to..has been a difficult day for me...my

mom is the primary caregiver of my dad..she is 80,he is 82. Mom

insists she has not enough money to put Dad in a nursing home, but I

know that she has over $600,000 in investments and $28,000 in a money

market...she went to her financial advisor a while back and she told

her if she put dad in a nursing home her money would be depleted in 12

years...I know dad doesn't have that long..their house is paid for and

is valued at around $300,000... The problem is this...she says she

can't afford a nursing home...she worries that when dad is gone there

won't be anything left when she needs it...what compounds this problem

is she is becoming worn out and is starting to verbally abuse my dad..I

have tried to reason with her but to no avail...some say I should call

Adult Protective Services, but I am concerned she will take it out on

my dad when they visit...I am so lost...just need some advice...she

says she hates him....I guess you could say there is no reasoning with

her...she has an answer for everything...if anyone has any helpful

suggestions, I would be appreciative...she has declined respite, in

home caregiver, etc...what should I do...Thanks to all of you who

contribute on this site, you have been so much help to me...

Salas

January 7, 2008

Is your mom a danger to your dad?

A brash question, but probably the right question when you are

deciding whether to bring in an outside agency.

Do you have siblings who can intercede?

Where is the POA? Is Mom capable of making these decisions?

None of this is ever pretty!

Can the doctor help you out here?

Are you in the same town, do you know the players? (doctors,

lawyers,etc?)

With my parents, I knew the lawyer, and the doctor, and would have no

qualms about contacting either by letter.

Is your mom totally alienated from her peers with caregiving?

Is there a pastor who might check in casually to chat with your dad?

My parent's church friends were good sounding boards.

I am giving it a shot!

If all are deadends, feel free to ignore!

Carol

>

> Just needed someone to talk to..has been a difficult day for

me...my

> mom is the primary caregiver of my dad..she is 80,he is 82. Mom

> insists she has not enough money to put Dad in a nursing home, but

I

> know that she has over $600,000 in investments and $28,000 in a

money

> market...she went to her financial advisor a while back and she

told

> her if she put dad in a nursing home her money would be depleted in

12

> years...I know dad doesn't have that long..their house is paid for

and

> is valued at around $300,000... The problem is this...she says she

> can't afford a nursing home...she worries that when dad is gone

there

> won't be anything left when she needs it...what compounds this

problem

> is she is becoming worn out and is starting to verbally abuse my

dad..I

> have tried to reason with her but to no avail...some say I should

call

> Adult Protective Services, but I am concerned she will take it out

on

> my dad when they visit...I am so lost...just need some advice...she

> says she hates him....I guess you could say there is no reasoning

with

> her...she has an answer for everything...if anyone has any helpful

> suggestions, I would be appreciative...she has declined respite, in

> home caregiver, etc...what should I do...Thanks to all of you who

> contribute on this site, you have been so much help to

me...

> Salas

>

January 7, 2008

are there any adult day programs in the area? my mom is in one and it is about

$60 per day. maybe she would accept that financial outlay as a compromise.

-------------- Original message ----------------------

> Just needed someone to talk to..has been a difficult day for me...my

> mom is the primary caregiver of my dad..she is 80,he is 82. Mom

> insists she has not enough money to put Dad in a nursing home, but I

> know that she has over $600,000 in investments and $28,000 in a money

> market...she went to her financial advisor a while back and she told

> her if she put dad in a nursing home her money would be depleted in 12

> years...I know dad doesn't have that long..their house is paid for and

> is valued at around $300,000... The problem is this...she says she

> can't afford a nursing home...she worries that when dad is gone there

> won't be anything left when she needs it...what compounds this problem

> is she is becoming worn out and is starting to verbally abuse my dad..I

> have tried to reason with her but to no avail...some say I should call

> Adult Protective Services, but I am concerned she will take it out on

> my dad when they visit...I am so lost...just need some advice...she

> says she hates him....I guess you could say there is no reasoning with

> her...she has an answer for everything...if anyone has any helpful

> suggestions, I would be appreciative...she has declined respite, in

> home caregiver, etc...what should I do...Thanks to all of you who

> contribute on this site, you have been so much help to me...

> Salas

>

January 7, 2008

Lynnie: The first thing your mother should do is get

to an attorney and beging the process of dividing the

assets so she is protected. Her financial advisor's

estimate of 12 years is very underestimated if I

figure correctly. Most nursing homes charge a minimum

of $150 a day, which figures out nearly $5000 a month,

or $60,000 a year. Five years would be the maxiumum

for his share of the money, as NH costs will

undoubtedly go up, and there are many other costs

besides the room and board part.

By dividing the assets, her share of the income will

be protected. Should he live long enough to use up

all of his share of the income, then he would be

eligible for Medicaid without her losing the house,

one car, or her assets. Assets can be spent down in

several ways, such as funeral costs, remodeling the

home, just about anything but being given to children

or others during the five-year (federal) lookback

period. All states have different rules, so talking

with an attorney or with the state social

rehabilitation services to get specific rules is

really necessary. You can also access it online for

whatever state they are in.

If no power of attorney has been gotten for both of

them, hopefully you can talk her into it. Given her

age, she may wear out before he does, and someone

needs to have a POA on both of them so that medical

and financial decisions can be made without going to

court. It's really important that should be done as

well as Do Not Resuscitate Orders (DNR), living will,

will, etc. If not, someone may have to make some

rapid decisions that might not be in the best

interests of all concerned.

I don't know how you will get her to go along with

you. One of these days, it will become too much for

her, and she may relent - it took a long time for me

to get to that point, but when it did, I knew it and

was willing to ask for help (as I had tried to do it

on my own 24/7 with no help or respite at all). I

would really hesitate calling APS, as it might have a

very detrimental effect on your relationship,

especially if you can find another way to handle it

(and I don't have a suggestion as to how). Probably

arguing with her is futile--is there another family

member that could talk to her, or do you have some

siblings that you all might get together with her and

try to all convince her she needs some help?

Good luck in whatever you do.

June

--- lynnie70_99 wrote:

> Just needed someone to talk to..has been a difficult

> day for me...my

> mom is the primary caregiver of my dad..she is 80,he

> is 82. Mom

> insists she has not enough money to put Dad in a

> nursing home, but I

> know that she has over $600,000 in investments and

> $28,000 in a money

> market...she went to her financial advisor a while

> back and she told

> her if she put dad in a nursing home her money would

> be depleted in 12

> years...I know dad doesn't have that long..their

> house is paid for and

> is valued at around $300,000... The problem is

> this...she says she

> can't afford a nursing home...she worries that when

> dad is gone there

> won't be anything left when she needs it...what

> compounds this problem

> is she is becoming worn out and is starting to

> verbally abuse my dad..I

> have tried to reason with her but to no avail...some

> say I should call

> Adult Protective Services, but I am concerned she

> will take it out on

> my dad when they visit...I am so lost...just need

> some advice...she

> says she hates him....I guess you could say there is

> no reasoning with

> her...she has an answer for everything...if anyone

> has any helpful

> suggestions, I would be appreciative...she has

> declined respite, in

> home caregiver, etc...what should I do...Thanks to

> all of you who

> contribute on this site, you have been so much help

> to me...

> Salas

>

June

Wife of Darrell, dx'd Alzheimer's in 1999, Aricept started, added Celexa 2003

for depression; probable dx of LBD 2006; died at age 75 in November 2006.

Autopsy confirmed LBD and AD.

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January 8, 2008

,

My heart goes out to you. Does your mom have a best friend or sister/brother

that she is especially close to that you could talk to about this who can then

discuss with your mom? I'm all for trying to figure this out first before

calling in the big guns. How does your mom feel about having some help come to

the house? If she is getting some how about more?

Sounds to me that your mom has hit caregiver burn out. This is a very tricky

situation and I'm glad that you've brought it up here as I'm sure that this

happens more than me know or care to admit.

Please keep us in the loop and know that we are here for you.

Courage