Guest guest Posted January 4, 2008 Report Share Posted January 4, 2008 You did nothing on purpose to harm your dad! When he was in the hospital you were fighting with all the wits you had at the time. (Stress destroys wits) If you could go back, there are things you would do differently, for sure, but given your belief system, if he were offered a chance to be back, would he want to come? I am thinking out loud here, and thinking about my dad. We did everything we could be talked into to save his life. He knew off the feeding tube he would probably not survive. If your dad, and my dad were still meant to be here, they would be. What would your dad say to you, while you are so sick? He knows you were doing your best at the time, and you know you weren't doing anything you thought would hurt him, if he could see you so sick beating yourself up, what would he say to you? I am thinking he would be more worried about you right now, and would want you to take care of yourself. If you could have saved him, you would have, and if he could save you the pain you are going through right now, he would. You probably have many people who still need you, and your dad would rather see you get better for them, than to worry about something you can't change. People die when they have completed their tasks on earth. His job was done. Nothing could have taken him if it weren't so. Beating yourself up right now is doing him no good, and actually doing you harm. Crying will make your symptoms worse. How about writing about all the things you admired about your dad so we can know him better? Make your grief count for something right now. You need your strength to get better, and through this site you are helping others all the time. What would make him more proud right now? Tears and regret, or helping others? I hope this helps. We need you here! Feel his spirit, and send him a kiss. I believe he can see you. Writing out loud, for me and for you. XOXOX, Carol Tell us more about his life, and what about him made you a chosen caregiver? > > Hi All, > > I am having such a rough night of it. Since the first day of the new year I have come down with an upper respiritory infection that is threatening to turn to pneumonia. My wheezing/rasping/gasping early this morning is what actually woke me up because it sounded so much like the noise my dad was making before he died. > > I just cried my eyes out then and there thinking about how much pain he must must have been in those three days he was in the hospital with pneumonia. > > Why didn't I question his having pneumonia or insisting that he have a complete check up? He started slowing down for about 2 months before he died and his colour was awful. Where was my head? > > Why didn't I check to see if he was being given pain meds during his stay when I have asked people on this list to make sure their LO's get pain meds whenever they get pneumonia? > > Why didn't I realize that the mattress on those bed/strechers they bring people in from the ambulance wasn't good for dad and that's why he developed bed sores on his buttocks and on the balls of his feet? He had diabetes and any open sore is dangerous. > > Why didn't I go out in the hall and scream bloody blue murder until they found him a bed instead of just accepting that there wasn't one or at least a special pillow for his back? > > Why didn't I realize that he even had sores on his buttocks and the balls of his feet? I just figured he was complaining of pain because he had to stay laying in bed for 3 days. > > Why didn't I insist that the nurses at the NH keep his bandages changed and fresh? Why didn't I check up on that? Where was my follow up? When I looked at his feet after he died and took off those whacky space boots on his feet his bandages looked so dried out with blood, why didn't I pay attention? I'm almost positive that this is what caused the sepsis that eventually killed him. > > Since dad died I really haven't been too hard on myself with the " what ifs " and " if onlys " because dad was never very much satisfied with anything in the last few years of his life and he only let you do so much for him but I feel like I let him down. I feel like he would still be with us today if I had paid more attention to him. Yes, I stayed with him as much as I could but that wasn't enough - I should have done more. The tears have been flowing fast and furious these last few days. I just feel so very bad about what I failed to do for dad. I feel so sad for my father. > Courage > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 4, 2008 Report Share Posted January 4, 2008 Courage - I believe that you did the best you could for your father. I also believe that God is the author of life and death. I have seen people live who should have died and people die unexpectedly for no apparent reason. You are not responsible! You are one human being who did the best she could. Know that and find peace. ((((((HUGS))))) Gladys -- OT Hi All, I am having such a rough night of it. Since the first day of the new year I have come down with an upper respiritory infection that is threatening to turn to pneumonia. My wheezing/rasping/gasping early this morning is what actually woke me up because it sounded so much like the noise my dad was making before he died. I just cried my eyes out then and there thinking about how much pain he must must have been in those three days he was in the hospital with pneumonia. Why didn't I question his having pneumonia or insisting that he have a complete check up? He started slowing down for about 2 months before he died and his colour was awful. Where was my head? Why didn't I check to see if he was being given pain meds during his stay when I have asked people on this list to make sure their LO's get pain meds whenever they get pneumonia? Why didn't I realize that the mattress on those bed/strechers they bring people in from the ambulance wasn't good for dad and that's why he developed bed sores on his buttocks and on the balls of his feet? He had diabetes and any open sore is dangerous. Why didn't I go out in the hall and scream bloody blue murder until they found him a bed instead of just accepting that there wasn't one or at least a special pillow for his back? Why didn't I realize that he even had sores on his buttocks and the balls of his feet? I just figured he was complaining of pain because he had to stay laying in bed for 3 days. Why didn't I insist that the nurses at the NH keep his bandages changed and fresh? Why didn't I check up on that? Where was my follow up? When I looked at his feet after he died and took off those whacky space boots on his feet his bandages looked so dried out with blood, why didn't I pay attention? I'm almost positive that this is what caused the sepsis that eventually killed him. Since dad died I really haven't been too hard on myself with the " what ifs " and " if onlys " because dad was never very much satisfied with anything in the last few years of his life and he only let you do so much for him but I feel like I let him down. I feel like he would still be with us today if I had paid more attention to him. Yes, I stayed with him as much as I could but that wasn't enough - I should have done more. The tears have been flowing fast and furious these last few days. I just feel so very bad about what I failed to do for dad. I feel so sad for my father. Courage Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 5, 2008 Report Share Posted January 5, 2008 Dear Courage, I am so sorry you are sick. I have read messages here from you about your Mom and your Dad to long for me to think that you didn't do all you could with the information you had at the time. Your gentle soul could not hurt anyone intentionally. As I recall, your Dad didn't cooperate about much at that time. Don't we all wish we had 20/20 foresight as good as our hindsight and could do a " do over " at some time in our life. My prayers are with you as you do your grieving. May you find a " god-incident " to help you know your Dad is and was where he needed to be to make his transition. Many many cyber hugs, Donna R Caregave for Mom (after I brought her from WI to MI) for 3 years and 4th year in a nh. She was almost 89 when she died in '02. No dx other than mine. OT Hi All, I am having such a rough night of it. Since the first day of the new year I have come down with an upper respiritory infection that is threatening to turn to pneumonia. My wheezing/rasping/gasping early this morning is what actually woke me up because it sounded so much like the noise my dad was making before he died. I just cried my eyes out then and there thinking about how much pain he must must have been in those three days he was in the hospital with pneumonia. Why didn't I question his having pneumonia or insisting that he have a complete check up? He started slowing down for about 2 months before he died and his colour was awful. Where was my head? Why didn't I check to see if he was being given pain meds during his stay when I have asked people on this list to make sure their LO's get pain meds whenever they get pneumonia? Why didn't I realize that the mattress on those bed/strechers they bring people in from the ambulance wasn't good for dad and that's why he developed bed sores on his buttocks and on the balls of his feet? He had diabetes and any open sore is dangerous. Why didn't I go out in the hall and scream bloody blue murder until they found him a bed instead of just accepting that there wasn't one or at least a special pillow for his back? Why didn't I realize that he even had sores on his buttocks and the balls of his feet? I just figured he was complaining of pain because he had to stay laying in bed for 3 days. Why didn't I insist that the nurses at the NH keep his bandages changed and fresh? Why didn't I check up on that? Where was my follow up? When I looked at his feet after he died and took off those whacky space boots on his feet his bandages looked so dried out with blood, why didn't I pay attention? I'm almost positive that this is what caused the sepsis that eventually killed him. Since dad died I really haven't been too hard on myself with the " what ifs " and " if onlys " because dad was never very much satisfied with anything in the last few years of his life and he only let you do so much for him but I feel like I let him down. I feel like he would still be with us today if I had paid more attention to him. Yes, I stayed with him as much as I could but that wasn't enough - I should have done more. The tears have been flowing fast and furious these last few days. I just feel so very bad about what I failed to do for dad. I feel so sad for my father. Courage Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 5, 2008 Report Share Posted January 5, 2008 Dear Courage, I am thinking about you and how you are feeling today. The thing that stands out to me is that you were there with your father while he was living. That is what counts-your love and compassion and the time you spent with him. We can't fix everything, but we can offer our love. You have done that for both of your parents...allow your regrets to be washed away with your tears of grieving. I hope that you are starting to feel better physically and that you get your rest and find some peace of mind knowing that you have been there for both of your parents and given so much of yourself. Take care, Daughter of Bill, 92 > > Hi All, > > I am having such a rough night of it. Since the first day of the new year I have come down with an upper respiritory infection that is threatening to turn to pneumonia. My wheezing/rasping/gasping early this morning is what actually woke me up because it sounded so much like the noise my dad was making before he died. > > I just cried my eyes out then and there thinking about how much pain he must must have been in those three days he was in the hospital with pneumonia. > > Why didn't I question his having pneumonia or insisting that he have a complete check up? He started slowing down for about 2 months before he died and his colour was awful. Where was my head? > > Why didn't I check to see if he was being given pain meds during his stay when I have asked people on this list to make sure their LO's get pain meds whenever they get pneumonia? > > Why didn't I realize that the mattress on those bed/strechers they bring people in from the ambulance wasn't good for dad and that's why he developed bed sores on his buttocks and on the balls of his feet? He had diabetes and any open sore is dangerous. > > Why didn't I go out in the hall and scream bloody blue murder until they found him a bed instead of just accepting that there wasn't one or at least a special pillow for his back? > > Why didn't I realize that he even had sores on his buttocks and the balls of his feet? I just figured he was complaining of pain because he had to stay laying in bed for 3 days. > > Why didn't I insist that the nurses at the NH keep his bandages changed and fresh? Why didn't I check up on that? Where was my follow up? When I looked at his feet after he died and took off those whacky space boots on his feet his bandages looked so dried out with blood, why didn't I pay attention? I'm almost positive that this is what caused the sepsis that eventually killed him. > > Since dad died I really haven't been too hard on myself with the " what ifs " and " if onlys " because dad was never very much satisfied with anything in the last few years of his life and he only let you do so much for him but I feel like I let him down. I feel like he would still be with us today if I had paid more attention to him. Yes, I stayed with him as much as I could but that wasn't enough - I should have done more. The tears have been flowing fast and furious these last few days. I just feel so very bad about what I failed to do for dad. I feel so sad for my father. > Courage > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 5, 2008 Report Share Posted January 5, 2008 Hi All, Thank you all so very much for the wonderful support and the words of encouragement. I cried reading every reply. I was still crying lots this morning but your posts really helped me to feel better. I'm happy to report that the levequin is kicking in and I'm able to breath so much better today. Levequin really is a miracle drug and coupled with my puffers I should be as right as rain in a few more days. I guess feeling sick all week and having pneumonia for the first time since dad died (I usually get lots of URIs but surprisingly not so since dad died) really brought it home to me how much my dad was feeling physically, though he was in much much worse shape than I was. I'm a rookie at this grief thing and boy does it hurt. I don't think one can truly prepare for all the emotions and sadness that comes up. I want to thank all of you for reminding me of all the things I did right and even if I wished I could have done more I still managed to do some things that were a help to him. It gives me great comfort to know that when he was in the hospital with pneumonia and then again a few days later when he died that when he opened his eyes he saw my face hovering over him. I just stood there by his bed-side for hours and hours sliding his oxygen mask back on his face and reassuring him whenever he awoke. My face was the last one he saw before he passed away....ok, got to stop here as the waterworks are flowing again. I'm going to keep all of your responses for the future and when I am feeling especially low I will read them again and get much strength from them. Again, a big huge thank you to you all. I swear, there are days when I don't know what I would do without you all. Courage Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 6, 2008 Report Share Posted January 6, 2008 Bless your dear heart, Courage. I have been on " No mail " for a while and was unaware of your circumstances. I feel your pain myself, because it brought up a fresh reminder of how badly I hurt when Daddy died. I was a young whipper snapper of 45, and it was the first death I had encountered, and was my beloved daddy no less. So dear, I feel your pain although it has been many years since he died. It still comes up fresh when someone very special to me has experienced the same thing. ((((((((((Hugs Courage))))))))) If I could hug in person, I sure would. And, to top it off you have pneumonia. Oh brother! That is so discouraging to hear, yet, you said you are getting better. I sure hope so. That can knock you down, Pronto! And, with grief it just takes longer to heal. Sweetheart, do let the love of this List, as you expressed, wrap you in a warm embrace of comfort and give you a moment of coziness. Your friend Loving you, Imogene In a message dated 1/5/2008 11:11:52 PM Central Standard Time, gaat@... writes: Hi All, Thank you all so very much for the wonderful support and the words of encouragement. I cried reading every reply. I was still crying lots this morning but your posts really helped me to feel better. I'm happy to report that the levequin is kicking in and I'm able to breath so much better today. Levequin really is a miracle drug and coupled with my puffers I should be as right as rain in a few more days. I guess feeling sick all week and having pneumonia for the first time since dad died (I usually get lots of URIs but surprisingly not so since dad died) really brought it home to me how much my dad was feeling physically, though he was in much much worse shape than I was. I'm a rookie at this grief thing and boy does it hurt. I don't think one can truly prepare for all the emotions and sadness that comes up. I want to thank all of you for reminding me of all the things I did right and even if I wished I could have done more I still managed to do some things that were a help to him. It gives me great comfort to know that when he was in the hospital with pneumonia and then again a few days later when he died that when he opened his eyes he saw my face hovering over him. I just stood there by his bed-side for hours and hours sliding his oxygen mask back on his face and reassuring him whenever he awoke. My face was the last one he saw before he passed away....ok, got to stop here as the waterworks are flowing again. I'm going to keep all of your responses for the future and when I am feeling especially low I will read them again and get much strength from them. Again, a big huge thank you to you all. I swear, there are days when I don't know what I would do without you all. Courage **************Start the year off right. Easy ways to stay in shape. http://body.aol.com/fitness/winter-exercise?NCID=aolcmp00300000002489 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 6, 2008 Report Share Posted January 6, 2008 Courage, When I had pneumonia this year, it made me a bit depressed also. As I healed, the depression went away also. I find now that Daddy is gone, I miss Mom more..she died 12 years ago, and I was closer to her.. I am reading " A Grief Observed " by C.S. (wrote Chronicles of Narnia also.He is a Christian.) He describes his grief after losing his wife - Joy. He originally wrote it under a pen name (because he thought it was too personal), and many of his friends saw it and gave it to him to help his grief. he received enough copies to have at least one in every room of his house. I think in grief, it also helps to know how others feel (like in this forum), and this book is amazing - he felt the same way I do in my grief. In fact, I was amazed how he wrote a whole chapter on a thought that flitted in and out of my head - and I never even stopped to analyze it. but he sure did, and it helped me. When Mom died, I was only able to read about 1 chapter per month. In July I read chapter 1 again, before daddy died (in August), and I have since re-read chapter 1 and read chapter 2. Sincerely, Debbie in SoCal _____ From: LBDcaregivers [mailto:LBDcaregivers ] On Behalf Of gaat Sent: Saturday, January 05, 2008 9:12 PM To: LBDcaregivers Subject: OT Hi All, Thank you all so very much for the wonderful support and the words of encouragement. I cried reading every reply. I was still crying lots this morning but your posts really helped me to feel better. I'm happy to report that the levequin is kicking in and I'm able to breath so much better today. Levequin really is a miracle drug and coupled with my puffers I should be as right as rain in a few more days. I guess feeling sick all week and having pneumonia for the first time since dad died (I usually get lots of URIs but surprisingly not so since dad died) really brought it home to me how much my dad was feeling physically, though he was in much much worse shape than I was. I'm a rookie at this grief thing and boy does it hurt. I don't think one can truly prepare for all the emotions and sadness that comes up. I want to thank all of you for reminding me of all the things I did right and even if I wished I could have done more I still managed to do some things that were a help to him. It gives me great comfort to know that when he was in the hospital with pneumonia and then again a few days later when he died that when he opened his eyes he saw my face hovering over him. I just stood there by his bed-side for hours and hours sliding his oxygen mask back on his face and reassuring him whenever he awoke. My face was the last one he saw before he passed away....ok, got to stop here as the waterworks are flowing again. I'm going to keep all of your responses for the future and when I am feeling especially low I will read them again and get much strength from them. Again, a big huge thank you to you all. I swear, there are days when I don't know what I would do without you all. Courage Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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